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10 Signs of Walking Depression

This is Part 1 in a series on depression in creatives.

Part 2: 10 Ways to Walk Away from Depression
Part 3: When Medication Isn’t Enough: Rethinking Depression with Eric Maisel

UPDATE: A video for those who responded to this post.


Let’s play a little word association.

When I say someone is DEPRESSED, what comes to mind?

How about: Gloomy and unshowered. Paralyzed with anxiety. Unable to work. A drag to be around. Crying all the time. Never leaving the house.

That’s the stereotype, isn’t it? And there’s some truth there. Allie at Hyperbole and a Half draws a vivid picture of this kind of depression. (Update May 2013: Allie has also posted Part 2 of her depression story, where she delves into not-feeling and not-wanting-to-exist. Powerful stuff.)

But depression has many different faces and manifestations.

I was one of the walking depressed. Some of my clients are too.

We don’t collapse and stay in bed all day. We keep working, keep writing, keep looking after our families. Keep blogging and tweeting and going out with friends. Keep taking our car to the service stationWe just do it all while being profoundly unhappy. 

Because we’re strong-willed creatives. We are so strong that we endure unendurable situations far longer than we should. We are deeply committed and we want to do our best for others.

Jen Lee has coined the term Dutiful Creatives to describe those of us who are inclined to take care of our responsibilities before anything else.

“If life were a meal, you’d consider your creativity as the dessert, and always strive to eat your vegetables first. Pacing and knowing how to say No are your strengths, but your creativity is more essential to your well-being than you realize.” from Jen Lee’s Quiz: What Kind of Creative Are You

Too many years of denying ourselves the pleasures of our creative pursuits and it’s no wonder we blunder into sadness.

10 Signs of Walking Depression

“I once read that succumbing to depression doesn’t mean you are weak, but that you have been trying to be strong for too long, which is maybe a form of denial. So much of life happens somewhere in between being okay and complete breakdown—that’s where many of us live, and doing so requires strength.” ~ novelist Matthew Quick

Walking depression can be hard to recognize because it doesn’t fit the stereotype. But it’s just as dangerous to our well-being when left unacknowledged.

This list isn’t meant to be an exhaustive diagnostic. But these are some of the signs I’ve observed in myself and those I’ve coached:

Nothing is fun. You root around for something to look forward to and come up empty.

You can’t find flow. Working on your creative projects feels like a grind, but you keep plodding away. There is research that shows that neuroticism (the tendency toward negative moods) is associated with lower rates of flow.

Your energy is low. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest because you’re too anxious to sleep, or you’re trying to cram too many tasks into a day, or you’re punishing yourself by staying up. Whatever the reason, you are effin’ tired.

You feel worse in the morning and better at night. I remember explaining this to a friend, who found it mystifying. In the morning I felt the crushing weight of all the things I had to do that day. In the evening I was temporarily free from expectations and could enjoy a moment’s respite.

You have simmering resentment toward the people you’re helping. Sure, you’re still doing what everybody asks of you, but you stew in anger the whole time.

Your self-talk gets caustic. You say nasty things in an effort to shock yourself into action. You use shame as a motivator.

You feel distanced from people around you. It’s hard to have genuine, intimate conversations because you have to keep up this front that you are alright.

You deprive yourself of creative work time (the artist as sadomasochist). This helps you exert some control and stirs up feelings of suffering that are perversely pleasurable. Also, taking on new projects that prevent you from writing or making art lets you prove to yourself that you’re still strong and capable.

You notice a significant mood change when you have caffeine or alcohol. A cup of coffee might make you feel a lot more revved-up and optimistic. A glass of wine might make you feel really mellow and even ~ gasp! ~ happy. (That’s how I finally realized that I was depressed.)

You feel like you’re wasting your life. Strong-willed creatives have a high sensitivity to the inherent meaning in what we do. Creativity coach Eric Maisel calls this our “existential intelligence.” If our daily activities don’t carry enough significance ~ if they don’t feel like a worthwhile use of our talents and passions ~ then soon we are asking ourselves, “What’s the point? Why should I keep going?”

(Eric Maisel has published a book called Rethinking Depression, which I talk to him about in this post, When Medication Isn’t Enough.)

Why is it hard to admit that you have walking depression?

You may recognize many of these signs in your life but still be slow to admit that you are depressed. Why is that?

Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you.

Because your pride and your identity take a hit. You have to admit vulnerability and allow that you are not the all-conquering superwoman you thought you were.

Because you realize that you and your life need to change, which feels like more work piled on your plate.

Because you are admitting your own responsibility for your unhappiness and that can trigger self-judgment.

Because you might uncover grief or anger at those around you for not seeing and taking better care of you.

What to do, what to do?

I’ve posted another entry about how creatives heal from walking depression, and here are the highlights:

  • Rest.
  • Make use of medication and other physical treatments.
  • Do talk therapy.
  • Practice gratitude.
  • Make connections.
  • Reduce your responsibilities.
  • Spend time creating.
  • Change your thoughts.
  • Develop a meaning practice.
  • Change your life.

These steps are simple to say, not easy to do, so make sure you get as much support as you can.

I can also recommend Lori-Ann Claerhout’s series of articles on surviving depression at Scoutie Girl. The first article is Depression: It Ain’t (all) Heavy and you can find all of the articles here.

Important: If you are in dire straits, please contact your doctor or visit the International Suicide Prevention Wiki to find a hotline near you.

Are you surprised that I work with depressed creatives?

Some people wouldn’t want to touch them with a ten-foot pole (see stereotype above).

But I have a tender heart for people who find themselves in this place. I know ~ God, I know! ~ what it feels like. And I know how to find the path out. I can sit with deep sorrow and speak hope. I can come alongside and walk with you towards happiness. This is what my coaching service, Enter the Labyrinth, is all about.

Of course, coaching is not therapy, and my clients have other professionals who help them deal directly with their depression. I believe that therapy is awesome for artists and I highly recommend it.

But coaching can be an invaluable part of the recovery process. A creativity coach gets your artistic needs and identity in a way a doctor or therapist might not. One of my clients had a doctor who suggested she just do writing as a hobby so she could stay in her draining government job. I had a well-meaning therapist tell me the same thing. But a creativity coach knows that there comes a time when 15 minutes a day doesn’t cut it anymore.

Let me know in the comments: do these signs ring true for you? Have you ever been depressed and kept on walking?

[Special note, July 2013: One year later, hundreds of people a day are still finding this post. Your comments are heart-breaking and heart-lifting. I can't respond to every comment, but please know that I read each one and send you my love and hope for healing. Keep letting us know that you're there.]

UPDATE: A video for those who responded to this post.

Photo credit: Oleg Sidorenko

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{ 394 comments… add one }

  • Christine (Girl on Fire) Reed March 15, 2012, 12:20 am

    I see this every single day in my healing movement work with women, who simply refuse to put anything about themselves first. It is my greatest frustration as a teacher.

  • Jackie Walker March 15, 2012, 12:52 am

    Until I stopped being one I didn’t even know I was depressed. Looking back I’ve no idea how I kept going, and when I didn’t learn the lessons which were so obvious (now) I ended up divorced, redundant, moving house and separated from my kids for half the week – that woke me up!

  • Annie M. March 15, 2012, 2:52 am

    Holy crap! That’s me!!

  • Brenda March 15, 2012, 3:02 am

    I recognize this very well, and am just hovering above it. I took a year off work to write, it was the best year of my life, and VERY regretfully had to return to a “real” job in order to make ends meet. Sigh. It feels like survive instead of thrive… can’t wait until this cycle can be broken!

    • Hilda August 5, 2013, 12:34 pm

      Same with me, took a year off to write and then returned to a daily job. It was the only year I felt really alive, the rest I’m just a walking shadow. And publishing, or writing for a living is not my idea of writing. Life is 2% possible.

  • Kim March 15, 2012, 3:55 am

    I saw myself in your post!

    I am in therapy right now for depression, however, I never thought of it as walking depression.

    Amazing information! Thank you!

  • Brigitte March 15, 2012, 5:19 am

    This was me 6 years ago. Wonderful post, Alison.

  • Lois March 15, 2012, 7:45 am

    Wow, are you a fly on the wall at my house? Great insight! After having 7 kids, I found myself at various times throughout being one of the “Walking Depressed” The youngest is now 3 and I’m fighting my way out. Glad to hear someone put so eloquently into words what I’m feeling.

  • Catherine Caine March 15, 2012, 8:13 am

    I wish I had known this four months ago. I was totally adept at spotting the grey-melt type of depression, but I didn’t know walking depression was possible. If I’d known, it might not have taken me so dang long to realise that was what I was experiencing!

    Thank you so much for giving me a framework to describe my experience, Ali.

    Catherine

  • Janet March 15, 2012, 9:02 am

    I’ve recognized these things myself far before reading this blog. I suffer from depression and yes, I am a walking depressive. (Is that the right word? I don’t depress others, but yeah.) I am a mother with 2 children, an ex husband, fibromyalgia, and a home based crafting business that I’d really like to take out of my house. My husband and I get up around 9 or 10 ish (when the kids are home, earlier when they go to school) and stay up, usually working, until 3 AM. I’m afraid I’m headed straight toward burn out with that one.

    I’ve got a deep seated terror of therapy. And I have very little assistance in the medical community. So I muddle through, just like so many others. It’s actually amazing how many artists go their entire lifetime not realizing that they are indeed depressed, and not realizing that they can change their situations. Then there are those folks like me. I know it can be changed, but I’m not sure I want to. Weird, I know. I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I love what I do. There are just these weird times where I want to curl up in a ball, have someone take on the responsibilities and take care of me and everything else. Then I pick myself back up and go at it again.

    So in answer to your question, yes. It rings true. And I keep walking every single day.

    • Donna July 11, 2013, 7:21 pm

      This is totally me. I have fought depression literally my entire life. I am currently dating a wonderful man but can’t share that I am depressed because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t have health insurance and can’t go to the doctor. My dog and I walk every day and I am very busy with work. But I definately need to change jobs. I clean houses and do some home care but I hate it.

  • Alison March 15, 2012, 10:25 am

    Oh friends. I hear you. I see you. We are here together.

    Today I am writing down all of your names. I will take you to the beach with me for some quiet time. My hope is that each of us find the support and healing we need, wherever that might be.

    Sending you lots of love.

  • Dan March 16, 2012, 7:16 am

    Wow.

    A friend sent this to me. About 90% of it rings true, yet I feel I still couldn’t admit that, yes, this is where I live most of my days, thus illustrating this point:

    “Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you.”

    Thanks for the insight, Alison.

  • Noch Noch | be me. be natural. March 16, 2012, 11:51 am

    I love this. I’ve not thought of myself as a walking depressed. i was diagnosed with major depression two years ago. I’m a bit better now. and perhaps have moved from that to “walking depressed”
    thanks for this article and all the links.
    there are so many aspects of depression. when I first started blogging about depression I thought i was strange. now that I’m out seeking, i find a lot of people in the same plight and want to share, and talk about it, and need support
    thanks. am sharing this article
    Noch noch

  • Ellen Berg March 18, 2012, 3:20 am

    Ah, yes. Every. Single. Day. Thanks for the explanation.

    I’m more than familiar with the black-cloud variety of depression; been there, done that, am well versed in never going back there again. But this kind? This kind is more like realizing you ordered a blah-meal while everyone around you is happily smacking their lips and Oh-My-Godding about what they’ve ordered. What’s wrong with ME? Why can’t I be happy for all I’ve got? Stop being such a negative Nelly!

    Stuck. It’s like walking through peanut butter, and while there are temporary respites, most days it’s a struggle just to get from point A to point B.

    So thank you for affirming I’m not alone and I’m not completely crazy. It helps. :)

  • Kate George March 19, 2012, 9:05 pm

    Add me to the list too. There is so much I need to change in my life, and unfortunately my family likes the status quo. They might even be acting against me.

  • Ann March 19, 2012, 10:55 pm

    Yep, thanks for seeing me Ali

  • Sonal March 19, 2012, 11:31 pm

    Having spent many years in the black cloud, and a just a few in the bright sunshine, I could recognize that I was walking around in a grey fog. What I haven’t been able to recognize is exactly why. No, that’s not true. I know why, but I have not yet been able to find it in me to do something about it.

    But thank you for this.

  • Eve Kotyk March 24, 2012, 10:38 am

    Ah, you guys are all amazing. I know the feeling, boy do I, and it’s great that Allison has put this out there for us to talk about. Wise Alison and hey, thanks for not dissing meds. Sometimes they are needed.

  • Jennifer April 5, 2012, 9:50 pm

    You’ve described my life exactly. I’m going to scour your website…as soon as I can.
    Thanks.

  • Kate April 17, 2012, 9:36 pm

    I can’t thank you enough for this post. I’ve been feeling like this so long and can’t seem to break out of it. I just found your blog and am very happy to recognize myself in someone’s words.

  • Torre – Fearful Adventurer May 14, 2012, 3:41 am

    I just fell in love with you, Alison. :)

  • Signs Of Depression June 13, 2012, 10:09 pm

    Superb post! my husband has this walking depression and now save after meditation and yoga! Lisa

  • Trudell October 13, 2012, 8:51 pm

    This is me… everyday. and right know
    which is why and how i came across this catalog

  • John Doe November 6, 2012, 4:03 pm

    Thanks for this. I have in the back of my head said, “Am I depressed?” for quite a long time, but wouldn’t admit it to myself. I think all the signs are clear. Withdrawling from social contact. Feeling constantly stressed and with no energy, but with no understanding why. Especially when I’m just 27. It has effected my relationship to the point that I’m not sure if it will work anymore. I think it really spiraled out of control in the past month after my close friend tragically and suddenly died. He was also just 27 and basically like a brother to me. My girlfriend doesn’t understand. I try to keep up appearances but doing a worse and worse job. I need to change! How?

    • D September 30, 2013, 2:55 pm

      I understand where you are coming from. I too, am just 27 and is extremely depressed. I too also lost someone, my father last year. I lost my job because I just didn’t feel like going because it sucked, I don’t have friends, I didn’t finish college, no one in my family and extended family likes my bf, I am still helping my family pay for mortgage with no job, there’s more but I don’t feel like typing. I feel unhappy, and nothing is enjoyable. I absolutely hate everything. One more thing, I just found two big lymph nodes on my collarbone the size of golf balls and I can’t see a doctor with no insurance and I barely have any money left. Everyday, I live life worrying. I understand what everyone is going through but I feel like I have no one to talk to.

      • sherri sims February 5, 2014, 9:32 pm

        You are here for a reson. Life is full of choices. Please choose to trust, live, learn, love & laugh.

  • silent cry December 18, 2012, 9:11 am

    I do understand and know too well this walking depression. I have had depression for over 30 years now. I have to deal with it every single day of my life. I have tried so many things. I have 4 kids I take care of. Some days I can hide it and others barely hang on. I have come to realize that I was nothing, I am nothing, and always will be nothing. I have no hope, no goals, no plans for the future. I am not even sure why I was even born. Most of the time I wished I hadn’t been born. I have tried to become something in my life but all I ever succeeded at was being a failure. I have no accomplishments, nothing to be proud of. My kids are my life, without them I have no reason to live. It is a struggle to get up in the mornings, getting out of bed and even go about the day. My mom verbally abused me growing up. I tried my whole life to prove her wrong, and ended up proving her right. I don’t even know why I try. I used to be strong and get on with the day, but now as I am older, no so much. It interferes with my job, and my kids.There is no hope for me, no point in trying. I am a failure, a nothing and always will be.

    • gk February 18, 2013, 9:33 pm

      It sounds like you are tired in this post. When I get tired, the words others have used to define me often come out of my own mouth. There is no easy cure for thinking we are worthless…I hope that you find evidence of your worth even before you start looking for it. Many blessings to you, you belong here.

    • joyce May 25, 2014, 3:04 pm

      I know exactly how you feel. Every word. Except even my grown children have quit coming around. I have nothing, I am nothing, will never. Can’t afford help. No friends. The relationship I’m currently in is suffering, and in my head I wait for him to tell me to go away. I search for happiness, I look for something to be fun, but fail each and every time. Have given up and just wait to die.

  • Lorna February 9, 2013, 12:50 am

    Just as everyone else has posted on here, this pretty much fits my description. I have been ‘walking depressed’ for over ten years – from my twenties right through to my early thirties. And yes, I still have always gotten up and fed myself, ran errands, but trapped in my own private hell, which, when left too fester, has often further morphed into anxiety and severe paranoia. Its debilitating and frustrating for anyone and as an artist, almost unbearable. I punish myself for everything, but especially for not creating. I think I am finally at a point in my life where something inside me has said ‘enough’. I am now looking to make meditation, yoga and CB therapy a part of my life.
    Thanks so much for the post. I hope mine might help someone else, too.
    x

  • Bren February 25, 2013, 4:48 pm

    I find this post deeply offensive to people who have struggled with clinical depression – the kind where you CAN’T keep walking no matter how badly you might want to because your body feels like its made of lead and every muscle aches and your mind barely works to the point that even making a coherent sentence is difficult. I also experience “walking depression” in between episodes (though my functioning has never been the same since my first episode of clinical depression). You seem to imply that people with “walking” depression are strong(er)-willed since don’t “stay at home in bed all day” – as if being incapacitated is some sort of luxury (I can tell you from personal experience that “being in bed all day” with depression is pure, agonizing hell; there is nothing at all restful about it); depression has NOTHING to do with willpower or strength; even people with ample amounts of willpower are vulnerable to clinical depression. About the only thing I agree with here is that there are various forms of depression. And also, this doesn’t make sense to me: “Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you.”
    Why would it be “insulting”? It would only be insulting to narrow-minded people…I’ve always despised arguments involving comparisons to others; pain is pain, period. No one’s personal suffering (whether they can function in spite of it or not) should ever be discounted or minimized or compared with that of another (which is totally useless and senseless – not to mention lacking in empathy).

    • Alison Gresik February 25, 2013, 6:22 pm

      Bren, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re acquainted with depression in its many guises.

      I don’t mean to imply judgment that powering through depression is somehow superior to being laid low, or that one person’s experience is worse. Both are awful; different people just have different responses. My hope is that EVERYONE suffering from this affliction will get the help they need. This post is meant to show people who may not recognize themselves in the traditional images of depression that what they are experiencing isn’t normal and that they need and deserve healing. What looks like strength can really be a weakness.

      • Bren February 25, 2013, 11:25 pm

        Hi Alison. Thank you for your very kind reply. I must say I’m actually really impressed with your reply – you clarified things quite nicely and it’s not so often that people are actually civil and empathetic online! And I would like to apologize for misunderstanding the intent of your post. Having experienced discrimination/judgment/lack of understanding regarding my depression, I’m just particularly sensitive about this issue so I read into it with some of my own preconceptions. I have exactly the same hope as you do.

        Take good care of yourself too. And thank you again for being so kind. Just to know that there are kind people like you out there is a comfort.

        All the best,
        Bren

        • Alison February 26, 2013, 1:38 pm

          Thanks so much for your soft and heart-felt response, Bren. We really are all in this together. xoxo

    • nes. November 12, 2013, 4:00 am

      thank you for clarifying this. i felt these details were left out too. proclaiming strength because you do still walk around, that is indeed the in-between of clinical depression. seems to me like the after effects of trying to fit into a modern society thats affecting most people (could be wrong! everyones different) eg everyone must be strong or they will be looked down upon, much the same I experience because I know everyone must look down on me the second I say I’m unemployed. its how this world works that has everyone messed up. keeping the family alive while paying off a mortgage by slaving their life away (required to be considered human), I don’t want to sound ranty or crazy but something has to change. which is why i’ve been looking into a minimalist lifestyle -getting back to simplicity and what you truly want out of life (still usually some money of course to pay for a smaller home but much less stressful). end result being the appreciation of the little things in life and no desire to shop to fill the empty hole in your heart. well thats the hope anyway … so maybe this will help some? I never ever recommend medication. very bad experiences with it. best advice – socialising (eat with others whenever possible), lots of exercise (must be enjoyable or focused stress relief), minimalism, yoga! and eating as close to fresh grown food as much as possible. ok ranty done ^^ take care

    • Jess January 21, 2014, 12:53 pm

      yes,exacly,thankyou.

  • Carol Benitez February 25, 2013, 9:37 pm

    Yes I am among the walking depressed. I just turned 60 and so many regrets and deep loneliness. I really don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. Truly. I see no way out. Wherever I run I take me with me. Thank you for creating this website to let me know I’m not alone.

    • Jojo August 17, 2013, 3:15 am

      Hi Carol
      Your post brought tears to my eyes. I guess because I feel affinity with you. Life just goes so fast. I do get on with it but like you I am full of regret right now.. I am 51. I have a demanding job which completely drains me to a point where I have no life any more. I wouldn’t even know where to start with being creative now though I used to love painting. Unlike most of you all I don’t have kids. That has become such a huge pain for me now it is hard to bear. That I had opportunities I didn’t take & now never can. I just see no way out. There is no way back.I will never have a family of my own. What was I thinking of. I am a leader at work and noone would know I feel like this. But thank you all. For sharing. Love to you all.

    • N October 18, 2013, 11:04 am

      I am so sorry. I feel depressed all the time I am 12 and hate my life

      • N October 22, 2013, 7:31 am

        Thank you for writing me back Alison

      • nes. November 12, 2013, 4:23 am

        try and find a councellor that won’t judge the things you say and will offer advice when you need it, keep seeing them frequently. try and find a way to get exercise you enjoy, you will be amazed at how much it helps relieve stress and clear your head. don’t take meds unless it’s your absolute last resort. they can make you much worse and even suicidal without being aware of what you’re doing! find a hobby you enjoy and immerse yourself in it. I used to draw or write stories while listening to music during school to get through it. but if you can focus on the school work its actually important so you should certainly give it your best :) I really don’t know you or your actual problems at all but from personal experience of being depressed as long as i can remember this is the best advice i know. also don’t let others affect your school work, they aren’t worth your future.

  • SYoung February 26, 2013, 5:12 pm

    This is very good insight. I found it very helpful.
    Also… your borders. Those are DNA bands from a electrophoresis gel?
    Now that’s interesting art.

    Art and Science are not worlds apart. Instead of art on one end of the spectrum and science on the other… Think of the spectrum as a circle. Where art ends, science begins, and where science ends, art begins.

    Stanton

    • Alison April 12, 2013, 7:07 pm

      Stanton, you’re the first person to comment on the DNA motif in my website! I agree that art and science are much more integrated than most people think, and I love both.

  • Joey February 27, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I just turned 19, and ive been feeling this way all the way throughout high school. I just noticed last year that I was depressed, but not depression itself but at this point in time all these points are how im feeling …

  • Jim March 1, 2013, 7:07 am

    Everything here struck a chord with how I feel. I spent my night at a bar in a town I don’t frequent, playing darts with fools, and the rest of the time talking to the most depressing looking human being at the bar I saw. I even drove the woman home. She clearly had made some awful mistakes in her life and at (the very least) 60, she was still talking about “turning her life around.” She then asked me if she could light up a joint in my car. I couldn’t have cared less. I don’t smoke anymore, but who gives a shit if she does. She’s a lost cause and hardly notices from what I could see. Why take her last bit of happiness.
    I lost my last piece of “sanity” months ago. I do my day to day, but more and more, the few people who see my regularly have been noticing that I look tired and distant, and I hate that they are finally noticing because I am losing my grip on the facade that is my life. Nothing I used to enjoy makes me happy and I have become more and more hostile toward the people I once cared for. Am I suicidal? Yes. Will I ever follow through? absolutely not. I view it as cowardice. I do find however, that I put my self in more and more dangerous situations just so maybe I could have a bit of an adrenaline rush because I just don’t care about the consequences anymore. I feel under appreciated and like my kindness and helpfulness have been taken advantage of my entire life, and now that I am refusing to help others without getting anything in return, mentally, physically, or monetarily, I am being treated like the bad guy.
    I supposed I should digress. That’s my situation. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and I can only hope we can all move beyond this at some point. Until then, I’ll just wander though the fog until I find something, or someone who can light a candle along the way.

    • Ned Flanders May 1, 2013, 3:23 pm

      Jim,

      Your story really hit home with me, as we are in very similar mind states. My situation is the same as Peter Gibbons in Office Space. I work an office job kind of like that…and every monotonous day gets worse. Every day you see me is pretty much the worst day of my life. I’m losing my grip on “everything will be ok, just stay positive, blah blah blah”. But I’ve come to realize that I am a worthless robot slave meant to do his job, pay taxes, and die. Hopefully we will both eventually find happiness within ourselves. Tonight’s whiskey shot will go out to you and I, and people like us.

      Cheers,

      Ned

    • TVD September 15, 2014, 4:38 pm

      I’m right there with both Jim & Ned: I’m almost 45, and my life feels like a trap. Like Ned, I’m coming to the realization that I’m here on Earth to be a peon, despite having intelligence & a good work ethic. I persist in trying to get work done with no training (my agency is always “broke”), putting up with second-class status, being ignored. I was alone for years, and when someone finally seemed to want me, I was too blind to see that he was just another person who wanted me to be his mommy & take care of him. I’m so tired. I’m just so damned tired. I got up & walked out of work today because I just can’t take it anymore. Can’t leave because I need the money. Tried for six years to change the work situation to no avail. Tried, finally, to “change how I feel about the situation”, but all I feel is a desire to go to bed & never get up again. But can’t even do that, as I now have an elderly husband to take care of, and elderly parents, and have responsibilities. When do I get to be happy?

  • Nicole March 18, 2013, 5:41 pm

    This is me, too. I’m only 22, but this has been me for as long as I can remember, even through my childhood. Just this morning I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am indeed suffering from depression, but this is the only article that seems to reflect how I actually feel and act.

    • Aleasha October 18, 2014, 11:00 pm

      I am also 22 and feel like I’ve always been this way, I try very hard to make myself happy, I swear whenever I can finally say to myself “life is good” my mood changes within a week or even a day and I feel miserable and anxious, I work two jobs still try and be social, even recently spent 7 weeks travellinG in Europe where I met my amazing boyfriend, I feel like I have no reason to be this unhappy, but somehow can’t seem to escape all my negative thoughts.

  • Andrea March 22, 2013, 6:21 pm

    Wow. I can’t believe it. Wow.

    That is me. Maybe I should stop running from myself.

    Thanks for the deep insight.

    xx

  • sooz james March 24, 2013, 3:58 pm

    I have suffered different levels of depression for just about my entire life. It started at about 9 after my parents divorce, my fathers death, my mother handing me over to my insane step father actually her long term boy friend to be his personal slave for a place to live and food to eat well into my twenties. My life has been a challenging marathon, I cannot find even one time in my entire life where I have experienced joy or happiness. Three years of psycho dynamic psycho therapy and nero feedback actually made it all worse and so much clearer. I have never taken anything but natural things to help. Now at 53 I just ask the universe to please take me home, I am done here. I get up and try to carry on each day because it is expected. My mother died 2 years ago, my insane step thing is still in my life, my 25 year marriage is over, I do Reiki, and practice gratitude daily. For me life holds no joy, no meaning, nothing. I just wait patiently not to have to endure this thing we call living any more and will be very grateful when it is over.

    • Helainea October 4, 2013, 11:15 pm

      I am beyond surprised to find someone that is or had experienced the same thoughts I have everyday. I am on meds but perhaps they need adjustment. All I know is that I feel meaningless each and every day. I semi-ask the universe to end my time here. To let me out so that I can find some kind of relief. I am sad, I am tired, nothing holds meaning anymore except my children and grandchildren. They are the only reason I stick around this godforsaken planet. I can’t stand our society, the degradation, the superficiality, the working to live so that I can work just to scrape by while injustice and greed dominate. I look around at others and I too want to know why it is that I didn’t seem to get a fair shake. I did what I was supposed to for 30 years. I raised my kids, I had a limited career because of single parenting and now that I am over 50, I am invisible. Older women are constantly compared to younger women and encouraged to make themselves appear younger if at all possible. I suffer pain from my disc disease and it makes me think or fantasize abt suicide although I would never do it. I can understand why my cousins did.
      I can’t bring myself to work at anything that in my view leads nowhere. No job leads anywhere and yet I am unable to simply retire. I’m tired. Just flat out tired of living. It makes me sad.

  • Martin April 1, 2013, 1:55 pm

    This is me, great article.

  • Natasha April 2, 2013, 11:48 am

    Reading that article and the comments this morning, my keyboard is soaked with my tears.
    I have always known there was something different about me. Since I can remember I have been this way but my mom never believed in mental illness and I think I have absorbed that quality. I can’t seem to admit that anything is wrong just because I feel like a whiner or I’m being selfish. I am starting to realize that its affecting every aspect of my life.
    I have absolutely no sex drive, I have always had no sex drive I just fake it. I cant fake it with my significant other anymore, we have been together for 5 years, he’s not a stupid man.
    I paint, draw, play music, it keeps me happy for those short moments but slowly as i become older, i feel like my creativity is dissapearing and I don’t care.
    When I was younger, I had a major problem with gossiping and lying. I have stopped myself from that behaviour for a while now but its becoming stronger everyday, i just blabbed my mouth about my friend to another friend for absolutely no reason and it has started a spiral of self-pity, hatred and nervous breakdowns for days now.
    I hate the world and what we have become, what I have become.
    I think today I am going to get some help. Thank you very much everyone in this thread for helping me realize that I do actually have an issue and I need to stop faking life.

    • Lindsay September 2, 2013, 4:30 pm

      Dear Natasha,
      I could have written your comment myself. Everything you say is my life to a ‘T’. I have continued with the fake sex thing with my significant other for 14 years, he is not a stupid man either and I feel I have poisoned him and made him feel bad about himself. I don’t know how to make it better. I feel my gossiping and lying when I was younger was due to me having not a good thing in my life to talk about, being bitchy about others made me feel I at least had something to say even though I despise myself for it.
      I do hope that you sought help as you mentioned, please do know that you are not alone xxx

  • Natasha April 12, 2013, 6:35 pm

    i dont know what to do. im so sad all the time and i just bottle it up. i cant help it, at night i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. but i cant, i just cant. i dont trust easily, not anymore. people think im happy, but if they saw the real me, they would probibly cry themselves. i cant go on living like this. im only 14 for goodness sake! please, someone help me, please.

    • Alison April 12, 2013, 7:05 pm

      Natasha, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m glad you reached out.

      Can your parents or another adult take you to see your family doctor? Is there a therapist or counsellor you can talk to at school or elsewhere?

      From your profile, it looks like you’re in the UK. Can you call Childline?

      If things are really desperate, look at the International Suicide Prevention wiki, as there are lots of resources there. (I’m not making any assumptions about you, just trying to cover all the bases).

      When you’re in this state, you absolutely need somebody else to help you get through it. I hope you can find someone close to you who can do that. I’ll be rooting for you.

  • Mandy McCartin April 19, 2013, 11:03 am

    Hi Alison
    I just read your post and it rang so true for me. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for many years, tried various anti-depressants and talking therapies, which worked for a while, at least enabling me to understand a bit more about these conditions. I went to art school and carried on painting -it’s something I have to keep doing as it helps me to process my thoughts about the world and my environment. The art world is not an easy place to be – lots of rejection, highs and lows, no money,which all adds to the stress. I managed to keep going by distracting myself with relationships – sharing my life and feeling part of a couple, trying to find a home, for me and for my heart. And it worked for decades (not with the same person, but several). However since finding myself single for the last four years, my depression has been worsening. I don’t want to take anti-depressants again, I’m trying to carry on but I can feel myself feeling more and more hopeless and it’s scaring me. I was always described as ‘vibrant’ (and still am sometimes) I’m a passionate person but I feel like I am slowly disappearing, fading away. I’m very low, have isolated myself from all but a few good, old friends and have no desire to go out and mingle. I realise that this is not the way to find a girlfriend, but I feel like I look so miserable and defeated that I’m embarrassed to go out. I can hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. I used to be SO confident but that woman seems to have gone . I’m ashamed to say I feel like a lost child, wanting someone to come and put their arms around me and tell me everything’s going to be ok. I suppose that’s what it’s like when one is in a love relationship – I know it worked for me. But things end, and change and I’m not good at that. I’ve been an orphan since I was 23, and I have no siblings, so I reckon this has something to do with the over-neediness and the desire to find a ‘home’, plus I’m in a very uncertain ‘career’. But, like Jim said in his post, I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently, but I wouldn’t do it, and I’ll keep going -there’s a teeny tiny ember of optimism buried somewhere that hasn’t quite gone out, and I’m hoping for someone or something to come along with a huge pair of bellows! Here’s to all of us depressed but struggling on creatives – I hope we all find ways to feel a lot better in the future.

  • Lolly April 30, 2013, 11:34 am

    Hi
    Your article is all about me.
    I have had the wham bam cannot get out of the house depression, with the anxiety and panic attacks which was terrifying.
    I am now, for the past 6 or so years experiencing ‘walking depression’ its an accurate description of me.
    I have guilt, sadness and despair weighing me down to the point I want to run away & scream and scream. I fee so lonely, even tho I have a family and a close caring network of friends….I carry on because I feel I have to, I feel I will be letting everbody down if I implode, Its such hard work and I just cry all the time.
    I don’t know what to do and really want to be on my own, with my dog away from everything.
    I have lost all motivation, I used to love painting, designing and sewing, writing, but my brain is dead, I want to do these things, but have no inspiration. This is the first time I have put down how I feel.
    I dont feel suicidal at all, but I dont feel anything a lot of the time, just sadness and lonliness.
    Your article has made me feel slightly better, as knowing there are so many people out there in the same boat.
    Thanks.

  • Dan Whetton May 8, 2013, 1:43 pm

    I can relate to every word like its written for me or by me. Seems I have suffered my whole life. Last year I also found out I have bdd (body dismorphic disorder) which affects what I feel about my body image and looks. Life seems pointless most days and I just tick along. If only it could be switched off without anyone being affected.

    Dan

    • John September 30, 2013, 1:52 pm

      “Life seems pointless most days and I just tick along. If only it could be switched off without anyone being affected.”

      Same here. I fluctuate between walking depression and being utterly disabled. Basically the schmuck. Depends on which day you catch me. I work from home as a graphic designer and obsess over making others happy at the expense of my own health/happiness. Perhaps it’s also about needing approval to justify my self-worth. And like you I suffer from BDDl. It affects all aspects of my life.

  • Sherri May 9, 2013, 1:04 pm

    Wow…
    Walking Depression eh?
    I read this post, and the dots connected.
    I just finished reading some journal entries from 15 years ago, and I’m sad to read about how angry and unfulfilling my life was back then.
    This year, when I discovered that my marriage was in real trouble, I realized that maybe I was suffering from depression.
    It’s been a long journey… but I feel better.
    It never dawned on me that I was dealing with depression… I just always thought I was always so frustrated and angry because no one was as good as me, nothing was exciting enough… nothing was ever good enough.
    Lol… oh boy.
    I didn’t realize that my brain was casting everything in shades of grey and black.

  • georgy May 11, 2013, 3:50 pm

    oh my god….that part about WHY WE DON’T ADMIT IT……..that hit me so hardcore
    great article

  • TL Cook May 12, 2013, 5:44 pm

    OMG! This is 100% me……I don’t know what to do…….

  • Rizza Bolanio May 17, 2013, 3:55 am

    Hi Alison,

    The next time you go down to the beach, could you take my name with you too?

  • Laura Gilbert May 20, 2013, 10:53 am

    This…every single thing every SINGLE thing describes how i’ve felt for like, years. ;/

  • Kristen May 21, 2013, 9:26 am

    Wow. I do creative things, but I would never consider myself an artist. Just the same, this speaks to exactly how I feel. I do what I have to do because it must be done. My status quo is suffocating me, but my husband is happy and content and unwilling to change.

    Great article. Despite still not knowing what to do, it’s reassuring to know I am not alone. “Walking Depressed” is a great term for how I’m feeling.

  • Michael May 23, 2013, 4:28 am

    I’m 21 and al of the above rings true, tought I was the only one suffering from such a deep depression.

    Glad I came accross this, to snyone suffering from this, know that you are not alone

    Thanks so much

  • Eleanor May 23, 2013, 8:08 am

    I try to rev myself up with motivational tapes, to no avail. I am on the last day of my lifelong dream vacation – I rented a writing cabin far from everything familiar. But I finished no creative projects. I didn’t even let myself really get excited about any of them. They all sputtered out a few pages in, and I told myself that after nearly 30 years of putting my spirit on hold to attend to others’ needs, perhaps the Me who I was as a creative teenager has dissipated.

    Now I’m weepy and somber, preparing to go back to the melee that is my life, with nothing to show for my Grand Escape. It reinforces the futility of it all.

    This article reminds me of what awaits me once I return to pressure, bills and duties. An intuitive friend once described my life and career as “lying on an ant hill covered in honey, with everyone taking a little nip out of you.” OK. Back to the ant hill. My run for freedom hit a high electric fence. Now I suspect I will never get out nor ever have the courage to try again. How are we supposed to continue like this?!

  • J.K. May 25, 2013, 10:17 am

    You just described my entire life. I’m a 44 yr old woman and I’ve never been happy. I have always felt inside of me was an artist that has never been permitted to create. I have, since I was a child, always loved music, art, books. Unfortunately my sisters and I grew up in quite an abusive and dysfunctional home. We received no love, affection or attention unless it was negative, forget about being taught any kind of life skills. We’re all “o.k.” I guess, we’re not on drugs, alcoholics nor do any of us have a string of illegitimate children. By societies standards we are normal, but I don’t think any of us have ever really been happy. I go to work (I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had), take care of my home and my cats, do the things you’re supposed to do, although it’s often very hard. I expend so much energy doing the things I have to, I often feel there is none left for things I want to do. I often think I have no feelings anymore, I’m just numb. I want my life to be different. I want to do work I love, I want a relationship, I want to feel like what I do matters a little bit. I have no idea even where to begin.

    • DA December 15, 2013, 8:25 pm

      Walking depression. everything you mentioned JK rings true for me. Early 30s, left home for a whole new country years ago. I received very little love from my mother, was ridiculed when I told her her boyfriend was sexually abusive. Everyone thinks I’m the happiest of the bunch but I sincerely want to disappear. I’ve tried suicide several times incredibly I’m still here. Found someone who loves me but all I want to do at night when I can’t sleep is jump in the car and go crash it somewhere. But who’s gonna take care of my family if something goes wrong. Between the guilt, low esteem, frustration, worthlessness I don’t know anymore. Then comes the tears.

      Thanks for sharing your comments. We are not alone.

      • DA December 15, 2013, 8:27 pm

        Interestingly everyone comes to me for advice. I’m even a certified life coach. How can this be?

  • Maya May 28, 2013, 7:27 pm

    I no I was sad for a while. I’ve been going through a lot, but now I want to feel better I really do!!!! I just can’t seem to shake it away… I wake up & say out loud ” I’m going to b positive today ” it will b a great day today”.

    But after I have my coffee & feed my dog this overwhelming feeling comes back & I sit there ALL DAY doing absolutely NOTHING ;(!!!! It’s getting worst with every passing day.
    I come fr a large family, & we usual talk ever day. But lately I can’t even answer the phone , I get anxiety once it rings. They think I want to b like this. They just don’t understand that I can’t help it!!! Please help me! What should I do??

    Idk where to go? Who to talk to ? What medications (if any) work quickly??

  • Alex May 29, 2013, 9:45 am

    Oh my god. Those symptoms are exactly what I’ve been going through for the last year, down to the guilt for being moderately high functioning. I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in years next week, and I was really nervous. I feel like this is going to be a good starting point to open up with. Thank you!

  • Stephen June 2, 2013, 9:06 am

    Wow you just described me. I have been depressed since my early teens. But I have never allowed my self to give up on anything, never let go, never show how I black I feel inside. I was a single parent until recently and having been brought up by a depressed mum who used suicidal threats as a form of emotional blackmail, I have never allowed my daughter to see that side of me. I know what it’s like to be put in a situation where you feel guilty because someone else is hurting, I would never have wanted that for her. At work I was a therapist myself, and now a teacher, so I focus outwards, on my patients and students, I am there for them and I think do a good job, I turn my self criticality into reflexiveness and motivation to always do better, and cannot conceive of letting myself take time sick off due to being depressed. I have always just carried on. At the moment I am having a particularly hard time; my daughter is grown up now so I am on my own, I am tired all the time and finding it hard to concentrate and keep going, even though I still always seem to find a way, and have stopped doing all the things that help give me some release – particularly painting and music composition. I recently asked to see a counsellor via my GP but she did a depression screen and said she could not work with me because I was too depressed! I tried to explain that these tools just tell you (very approximately) how someone feels, they don’t say anything about how they cope with how they feel, and that I really needed to talk to someone. But she referred me back to my GP and now I have another month to wait for another assessment. Stupid stupid system. Nots sure what to do now, I am taking Mirtazipine which helps me sleep at least and with some of the panic attacks, but no so much the mood. I feel I am being eaten up from within.

  • Alan June 3, 2013, 2:48 am

    Hi Alison,

    thank you for such a wonderful post.. and for helping me have a little more understanding about myself and the situation I find myself in. Your article seems to describe all the feelings and emotions that are inside me.

    I cannot remember the last time I felt normal.. it’s certainly not weeks, months or years.. maybe decades perhaps. Some days are better than others.. but it is hard.. when most days feel like a drag.. I feel emotionless.. worthless.. uncared for.. lifeless.

    Today I drove to work in a daze.. just pushing on.. I parked the car.. walked to the office.. the sun was shining.. I had just dropped my son off at school.. it was a beautiful day and I really should have felt blessed and happy. All I could feel was a null void.. emptiness.. I thought about suicide.. I saw a train track and thought how easy it would be to fall under an on coming training..

    I don’t think I would do that though.. the thought of my son without a father.. my dad without a son…and the upset and upset it would cause the people I care for. Weird that I don’t consider myself in those thoughts.. just the others.

    I used to feel full of life.. full of energy.. now I feel little to nothing..

    I know I have a lot of issues.. It’s obvious I do.. I was in an unhappy marriage for 13 years.. followed by a messy divorce.. and then an even more acrimonious struggle to see my son. I lost my house.. my friends.. my money… I’m in debt up to my eyeballs.. all my own doing I guess… but I cannot undo the past.

    I did find someone else.. my new partner and she was caring.. understanding.. but over time she has began to intently dislike my son.. and when he stays with us there is always conflict and friction. It is sometime unbearable and I can feel myself becoming increasingly distance to everything and everyone. It never used to be like this.. I don’t know how or what changed.. but it just seems unfix-able..

    I want to be left alone.. go away… heal… do something to feel whole again… but I carry on with life and get through each day.

    I know I need to make a drastic change but it is having the courage and conviction to do so. I feel if I do.. I can resurrect myself.. slowly.. I need to concentrate on me.. making myself well and happy.

    It feels like I have no time.. time to think.. time to rationalise.. time to motivate myself.. I have lost my creativity and as Austin Powers once did.. my Mojo too.

    *sigh*

    Alison – thank you though…. Fom the bottom of my heart I really appreciate your article and all the responses I have read. I feel a little less alone.

    Alan

  • Yvonne Jackson June 3, 2013, 9:38 pm

    I had the day to myself. A rare treat. I had work to do but had the advantage of doing it when I wanted. I had chores, gardening, all the usual household activities to occupy my time. I had the car I could use to drive to the beach (15mins away) I could walk through miles of beautiful wilderness. I could go shopping, the movies, a restaurant for lunch with a friend if I had called them. I could choose any of a dozen different art projects to work on.
    What did I do? I don’t know. Nothing. Surfed the Internet. Walked around the house. Walked out to the backyard & back. Oh, I hung out a load of washing. Just now I’ve Googled “walking around doing nothing” & found your page & read your words. Now I know why this beautiful day was a loss to me. I hate it! I hate me! I’ve never written that before…I lie, I’ve written it but then I have deleted it & mentally smacked myself for being so morbid & ungrateful.
    I feel really guilty for wasting such a beautiful day.
    Thanks for writing your post…I think I might need to put some real effort into fixing this, this malaise, the beige that is my life. It’s not going away by itself. I have read that the best way to cure depression is to volunteer your time to others. I’m wondering if I volunteered my time to myself, that might work as well. Visit me & take me out, get me to work on some of my art projects with me. I might try both, I would feel better about helping me if someone else was getting some benefit as well.
    Ha! That’s me wanting more for someone else that for me again isn’t it? Damn, this sucks!

    • Lena September 2, 2013, 7:18 pm

      I can totally relate to your comment, except Ive had the past 5 days free to myself with no work and wasted much of it. I have a lot of free time, and usually don’t spend much of it helping and doing things for others, but think i need to work on that. From my experience, giving time to myself has not really helped, cause i sit and think all day about negative things, and don’t actually push myself to go out there and get active. But what i do find helpful is prayer and reading some inspiring Christian books from people who have gone through that path. Also going to sleep at a good early time at night has helped, along with watching my diet.

  • Bruce June 5, 2013, 4:31 pm

    Wow.. nobody has ever put it exactly this way to me before, but you’re pretty much describing me to a tee. I work with patients who are nearing the end of their lives, so I’m always “doing” for others, but I walk around unhappy most of the time – and very stressed out (over money and other things).

  • roxy June 12, 2013, 9:41 am

    i am so depresssed and barely any thing works. talking 2 a therapist works but the process is slow. i shouldve started earlier.

  • Karlee.c June 12, 2013, 9:28 pm

    I’m exactly this….(I’m almost 16)

  • me June 18, 2013, 7:04 am

    Hi
    well i have been walking in misery for years and it just keeps building and building. I have tried to put on such a brave face over the years, battling my emotions trying to pick myself up all the time, turning to drink to make me feel happy. and now everything has come to a head…I havent got the mental strength anymore. i still smile when required, and act proper when needed. but they are not emotions they are actions. I use my car as my safety bubble. i just drive wherever i can to try and find a place that i feel happy in…. searching….i have tried the NHS for help..they blamed it on the alcohol…if i stop drinking my depression will go away, but they dont understand…..i started to use alcohol to make me feel better..i was depressed along time before. i do understand that alcohol is a depressant…i am put in the category of alcoholic.. because it fits…
    i dont feel part of society and dont feel normal.
    i feel let down by the people i wanted to help me… they thought that because i was conversing with them in a normal manner, they could discontinue treatment.after 4 sessions with a psychologist .they maybe never thought that i was just experiencing something that i had never had before…someone to talk to about it and someone that maybe understood…so on my way i went, pills in hand to continue this on my own again.
    i am 38 years, male and pretty disillusioned.
    or is it just me. am i ok. is this just a game my mind is playing with me. am i asleep in a constant bad dream.

    anyway, what a great place to express thoughts

  • Michael June 19, 2013, 6:02 am

    Hello there – quite an interesting thing you got here. :)

    Here is how I felt about it after I read your post today. I finally wrote it down…

    http://ststone.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/thoughts-about-life-artistic-life/

    Kindest regards,
    Michael

  • Aingeal June 23, 2013, 9:40 pm

    So gladi to seeit this. I had a feeling that the reason i stay up so late is a form of punishment. I know i sabotage myself in other ways too. Im aunderpaid huge procrastinator. I just want run away. Sundays are hard because Monday comes next. I dont want to go to my job where im underpaid and feel less than everyday. And tonight, i want to disappear.

  • Nicole July 1, 2013, 9:07 am

    I haven’t drawn anything significant in a few years, since I failed miserably as a community college student. I was in several advanced art programs and state-wide competitions throughout my entire school career, and during that time I did notice a slight ‘slump’ in the way I felt if I wasn’t making any art or reading a good book.

    Now that I’m an adult, this feels like full-blown depression. I’m a retail wage-slave, my relationship of five years is crumbling because I can’t bring myself to go to a doctor or therapist or even talk to anyone. You know you’re seriously depressed when you find yourself googling for a free online version of The Peaceful Pill Handbook.

    After high school, watching many of my AP art friends go off to nice art schools and make their dreams happen, I felt like a total failure. My one amazing talent in life is drawing and creating things, and it feels like a totally useless talent because of how saturated the industry seems now. I wanted to be an illustrator. It feels like a lost dream now, and now I feel rudderless. Like, art was the only thing I ever thought I’d be doing.

    Not sure if I’m a Walking Depressive. The only thing that keeps me from staying in my bed all day with my laptop is the fact that I live with my boyfriend, and I feel I have to keep myself “up” – I make sure I do my makeup every day, keep up with dishes, clean, cook, etc… This will last a few days or so, maybe a whole week even. Then I’ll fall behind on something, this often happens on a weekend when friends come over, and my boyfriend will be angry that I haven’t kept up with the cleanliness of our place. This makes me feel woefully inadequate, and instead of dealing with it and just keepin’ on, things snowball and I get really down on myself and my inner voice starts mentally beating myself up. No one ever told me I was worthless – Eight years ago or so I just started feeling that way, beating myself up for not doing well enough, and now here I am, thinking about suicide every damn day. I’ve even got a bookmarks folder specifically for information on that topic.

    (Also, I must keep going to work, my meager wages do help a little bit with bills and stuff.)

    I got drunk and punched through a window last weekend. The anger and self-hate I have for myself is now manifesting itself when I drink. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t have any friends to talk to, friends that would understand or be able to listen without judgement. My own twin brother has been actually diagnosed with depression by a doctor in high school and he even scoffs when I express that I am feeling extremely depressed and worn thin. I live with my boyfriend now, not my parents, and the best days for me are Sundays when I go to my parents’ house. When I’m there I can almost pretend I’m a kid again, with endless potential, before I started feeling so awful, and my parents don’t see me like the fuck-up my friends and boyfriend probably do at this point.

    Sorry for rambling so much. I’ve never seen a doctor for my problems, I’m rather ashamed and afraid to, plus I’m still on my parents’ insurance for another four years and they’re not doing great money-wise, I couldn’t ask them to help me with this. I think I’m all alone in this, really, and that terrifies me.

  • S_B July 4, 2013, 4:38 am

    After reading your article I feel that this sounds like me. I feel so unhappy and resentful all the time which usually turns to anger. I carry on every day knowing that in my mind I wish I could walk away or end it all. I had a really hard childhood and I have been for counselling which really helped…..for a time.

    I can’t even really figure out what is making me so unhappy and I wish all the time that I didn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. I cry all the time, sometimes with no one else knowing.

    I feel worst in the morning and during the day, at night I go home and numb myself for a little while so i don’t have to feel that way but morning always comes and I always end up feeling the same or worse. Yet somehow I find myself getting up everyday and wanting to make people happy and do things for people even though they do things that hurt me.

    I feel like no one understands me and no one really cares. I am hardest on my husband and daughter and I feel so bad for it I just dont know what to do anymore.

    When I tell people how I feel I am usually met with the same cliche’s like dont be so silly you have sop much to be hapopy for or look on the bright side of life and stop worrying about the negative things. What they dont know is that it isnt that easy.

    I really wonder why I am here and I feel sometimes that if I could go back aqnd have a choice I would never choose to be born.

    Please dont get me wrong in one aspect I love my daughter and my husband very much, I just dont want to pull them down with me if I can’t do something about this!

  • Cookingcutie11 July 7, 2013, 10:09 am

    Wow, I can’t believe how many of these apply to me! Glad to know I’m not alone. Must work on “me.” Very helpful article.

  • Sarah July 8, 2013, 4:00 pm

    This is just 100% me. Thank you for writing this article.

  • Lori July 8, 2013, 7:27 pm

    This sounds just like me. I’m glad I found your article. It is so helpful to hear that I’m not alone. Thank you.

  • Nicole July 8, 2013, 9:02 pm

    Oh. My. God. This is 100% what is happening to me. Im an artist and everything you said applyes here to the point its scary. Ive been single gor 2 years, Im 30 and I feel so lonely. I want to meet a good man, make a family but I cant make a real conexion with anyone anymore.. Im scared and act defensive and harsh. Everyone thinks im great, i look great (though not so mych lately) even when I ocassionally tell them Im not.

    Im an illustrator and I work freelancer, I see my friends sometimes, I read… But I dont enjoy things anymore. Im afraid I will die lonely, I pity my own situation and Im angry with myself (I never wanted to be an old mom) and I also resent my family because they have shitty lifes and I feel sad gor them.

    I tried therapy for 2 years but it didnt work, Im gonna try medication now… Its not like i dont want yo live, I love life! But I cant find the exitement of it anymore. The proof was going to a trip all by myself and not having a moment of joy.
    Oh I also spend TOO Much time on my own, i have to talk to my dog to use my voice, I want company so bad but I dont know anyone I really want by my side…. Im really down

  • dewalt July 11, 2013, 4:39 pm

    You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I
    find this matter to be really something which I
    think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad for me.

    I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  • Ana V. July 11, 2013, 8:01 pm

    I haven’t felt joy in a long time. Like genuine, non-alcohol induced joy. All I feel all the time is a huge responsibility to do something with my life: to get a job, to get money, to take pressure off of other people’s shoulders, to stop depending on them, to start relying only on myself, and as a consequence I feel the obligation to be reliable, to be ok, to feel happy. The stupid pressure to be happy when I’m in an impossible situation.

    Having moved from my hometown feels like the biggest mistake of my life. If I hadn’t done it I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend, so I wouldn’t miss him. If I hadn’t done it I would have been sad, too. It seems like I always want more and sometimes “more” is just not something I can reach. I’m stuck. I can’t have my cake and eat it: it’s either being with my family and having the stability of a house and a home and three meals a day and a place to sleep in and pets and a car (even if occasionally) or being with the man I love and fooling myself into thinking I can thrive doing what I love. Maybe my mistake was going to school for the wrong career. Maybe I should have studied something that would allow me to have money and vacations and go see my family and pay rent. If I could turn back time I would change it, no doubt. I feel like I wasted four and a half years of my life and because of that I ruined the rest of my life.

    I’m deeply, thoroughly unhappy. I no longer get excited by anything. I used to love food, and going out, meeting people, just being outside. I could make anything into an adventure, and now I feel worn out, exhausted, worthless, purposeless. I feel wasted, like my life is a load on everybody else’s shoulders. I don’t even have an apartment, I’m crashing at someone’s (not even a close friend) house because I pushed “pursuing my dream” to the point where I had nowhere to live. I don’t have the luxury to choose where my life is going to go, I’m stuck trying to make ends (I’m not even sure I want) meet.

    I just graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude. I did feel proud of myself for a fleeting moment, but looking for a job and ending up homeless despite all that effort really took a blow on my self-esteem. I constantly tell myself I’m worthless. I catch myself saying it “You’re worthless”. How does one get to a place where that happens?

    I feel like I’m worthless because, yes, it seems like I’m here because I’m weak and can’t do anything about my own unhappiness. Everybody else seems to go through life smiling, succeeding at whatever they want to succeed in. How could I ever talk to them? How could I ever tell them and expect them to understand and “take care of me” or “rescue me” the way I feel I need to be rescued if I can’t even understand it and do it myself? I don’t think I’ll ever be happy, anywhere. I don’t think I’ll be happy ever again.

    I would love to reach out, I would love to go to therapy and talk to someone, even if I have to pay them to do so. Except I can’t afford it, of course. Even with a job I just took I won’t be able to afford much besides rent and paying off my student loan every month. If I get to buy food it will be a blessing. I don’t even have dinner tonight and I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone or ask for help. How did I get myself here? How many mistakes do you have to make to end up in this place? I can’t breathe, I can’t smile, I can’t live. I constantly think about suicide but I’ll never do it because I don’t want to hurt other people, and they would feel guilty even though my happiness is not and will never be their responsibility.

    I cry everyday and I’m exhausted. I really, really want to be happy, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

    • Ali. A.H August 14, 2013, 1:48 am

      I really feel your pain and I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. Keep the hope alive I know it sounds like a cliche but I always have the faith that after the storm there will be a blue clear sky.. Don’t give up on yourself, do it for yourself do it for your family and all the people who cares about you.. Do it for everyone who is suffering.. Take good care of yourself, if you can’t find anyone to talk, you can find me on email: tkd1812@gmail.com. I may not be able to help, heck I even can’t help myself most of the time, but surely I’ll read them..

  • Apple July 13, 2013, 1:26 pm

    This really rings true with so many things that are going on in my life. Even then, I’m still hesitant to coin it as depression. You’re right about the guilt and shame bit. Thank you for your post though. I’m still not sure what to do, only that I need to do something about it.

  • K. S Trotter July 13, 2013, 2:07 pm

    As I recent grad in the field I’m aware of this type of depression. Though no real concrete research has been done, it is one area of a project for doc degree

  • Shae July 13, 2013, 10:18 pm

    I started crying when I was reading this article, it all rings so true. I didn’t think anyone else felt this way. Thank you.

  • Sting July 14, 2013, 10:01 am

    I have been thinking I cannot be depressed because I never cry yet I never feel joy and while I function it is a matter of going through the motions. No one can tell. I have been what I recognize as depressed before.This almost feels worse. I am numb to the point that the only thing that separates me from this world and what lies beyond is a leap from a tall height.

  • SanMan July 15, 2013, 10:35 am

    i am depressed, i cant work because it seems like every time I spend any energy trying do do something anything really it always fails. so it seems like I am better off not doing anything.

    Some days I dont have 1 single positive thing in my life, except for tv shows and games. And when someone makes makes a nasty comment it usually sends me over the edge, one more nail in the coffin.

    I tried losing weight lost 40 lbs but i still cant get a date and hardly get any views on the dating sites. i went to a wedding and noticed all the fat guys had girlfriends. I cant seem to lose the last 15 lbs I want to. I am getting diminishing returns on my investment.

    I spent 6 months trying to get to know this girl then she cut me off without saying why. I tried to bury myself in my work but each time i finish it and try to sell its a complete flop.

    My mother died drowning in a lake, they never found her body, I was always a loner but now I am a shell of a shell. I cant connect with anyone and dont have any friends. I guess the only saving grace is that anyone else would have already killed themselves by now.

    i usually go through the motions without really putting in much effort because even if I do try my hardest it ends the same way – failure. Everything i every tried – skiing soccer, taekwondo

    there was only one thing I kept from taekwondo and that is the idea of having an indomitable spirit, you fall down dust yourself off and try again. Right now I am trying to pick myself up after failing, its been a few days where i havent done anything because as i told you its hard to justify the effort. The only reason i can survive at all is because of my inheritance

    • SanMan July 15, 2013, 10:50 am

      I finally got a sale today, thats all i need just 1 positive indicator and its enough to turn around my whole day.

  • Mittah July 18, 2013, 5:02 am

    Well its hard to admit that one is depressed, I’m 16 and I’ve been having problems in my at home that affected me academically. Usually in class I find it hard to concentrate because I feel like wherever I go these problems haunt me, I cannot even state what is the problem exactly because I’ve been through a lot and when everything comes together life stops. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a couple of years now and I was caught twice trying to take my life away. I’ve tried crying because at time it feels like it helps, I just smile everyday and have hope that everything will work out in the end but I’ve been saying that for quite a while now and everything is not even working out it seems to get worse day by day. I binge eat because it makes me feel better, sometimes I spend 2-3 days without eating because I don’t feel like it. I pretend like everything is okay so that my friends won’t ask or the teachers. In the 9th grade I told my teacher all my problems and she told every teacher, this is why now I don’t trust anyone. But I know something is wrong with me & because its not really normal to feel this way.

  • Kim A. July 20, 2013, 8:32 pm

    Oh my goodness, this is me. But I just can’t see things changing. Even if I try. But thank you so much for the acknowledgment.

  • aQuietDesperation July 21, 2013, 10:01 am

    I often feel like a failure. The sad part is, a lot of the time it appears to be true. I’m constantly irritated at myself for not being able to find a job, for not being able to care for my daughter. I find myself taking these frustrations out on her, then feeling guilty because its not her fault.

    I am a 29 year old military washout. They kicked me out when I attempted suicide shortly before discovering I was pregnant. My daughter is my tether, and I am constantly afraid that if I tell someone, or try to get help, that they will take her away. I would have nothing to live for if she was gone, but I’m not doing too hot in giving her a life worth living.

    I’ve definitely hit bottom. My family has called me loser, leech, stupid…accused me of wanting them to take responsibility so I can just have fun. I have wonderful friends, but I hate the dependence on them. If it weren’t’ for knowing my daughter would be shuffled from house to house, that my boyfriend who is too caring for his own good, would suffer I’d end it, for good this time. And then even though I have any number of methods at my disposal, apathy sets in and it feels like too much work to even kill myself.

    I’ve stopped eating except for the occasional mug of tea or handful of crackers here and there. I go through the motions of living, smiling, caring, doing…but they’re just a glamour for the real nothing that grips me. I get so angry, but I just keep smiling.

    Where does it end?

  • chris chiovitti July 24, 2013, 3:07 pm

    so I have thought I have been depressed since I can remember (broken families, moves, everything going wrong in life, blah blah blah) but i always kept going. Latley though i hit the “what’s the point?” part and have just been letting my life fall apart, quit my jobs, try to break up with my gf, etc. But no matter how much I think about and plan out ending my life, no matter how much time i spend just sitting by a creek staring at the water or in my car just hiding from the world realizing (or convincing myself) that life is crap (and i have a very convincing argument), no matter how much i do these unproductive things…i still somehow get myself to a gym and get in crazy good shape, manage to stop smocking cigs and having my two beers a week and manage to be an awesome bf that always puts the feelings of her before my own. then i will get more work or keep working, plan fun things to do, do them, ..but eventually within 6 months totally get so depressed again that i will hate everything, not hold my tongue at work when people are a-holes (and because so many people in this country are, it always triggers it) ***side note: i have traveled internationally extensively, mostly trying to escape greed-rotten American narcissistic culture*** …. and blah blah blah. I have researched depression thoroughly and was always like “um, no, i CAN get out of bed, CAN go out in public as long as no one tries o talk to me, CAN go to the gym and exercise, can eat crazy healthy, and the list goes on. Usually I end up thinking “i’m not THAT depressed, guess i’m just a whiner, just a loser i guess.” Forget my step family treated me like a crappy pet, that most Americans i deal with are just plain schmucks, and that I graduated top of my university in only 3 YEARS and have done 5 years of UNPAID volunteer work in Native American communities in America’s backyard that are worse off than most third world countries I have seen first hand. Blah Blah Blah, Right? Grow up, Right? So i do, out perform most schmucks around me at both work and being a true Christian, get depressed, cycle continues, take care of myself, cycle continues, get depressed, etc… etc…. Until this month. Now I just dont care anymore, I get more excited thinking about finally dying than having to keep dealing with this world, which I am convinced must be actually Hell. I have written off having kids cause no way i would bring a life into this greed warped version of humanity.

    Reading this web page is the first thing on depression that i have ever read that i was like “yup. yup. check. definitly. wow, guess i am depressed and not just a negative whiner like EVERYONE seems to think (though i don’t respect most people anymore cause they are so self centered, lacking intellectualism and pompous). Anyway, blah blah blah….

    Who cares? I don’t anymore

  • Lynnie July 25, 2013, 10:10 am

    Like the majority of people who have replied to this, I have suffered since I was a teen. Of course in your youth you tend to bounce back. After a major depression after the birth of my second child, I was hospitalized when she was a year. I was the “walking depressed new mom”, muddling through a full-time job, keeping a house clean, meals, and eventually an affair with a married man at my job. It was exciting but didn’t last. Divorce, financial difficulties, a problem child, the list goes on and on. Meds helped me along the way until a few weeks ago, working overtime, I should have recognized the symptoms, but I kept plugging away. Then the panic attacks started and I was like whoa, go see a doctor. He put me on stronger meds, two weeks later I am functioning again but don’t feel any real happiness. That little voice inside us says, you are worthless, you aren’t successful. My heart aches for all the sufferers and I pray my children don’t inherit this awful disease I have. When I retire, I am going to become a dope smoker, sit back and chill.

    • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:09 pm

      oh baby… retire but don’t do that ! i considered it, but i considered all that goes with that…. we’d do better to wear funky clothes, amazing straw hats, jeans & sandals with big bags & listen to all kinds of really cool music and … just be. but no dope smoking… ‘k ?

      • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:10 pm

        well… at least not toooo much…. lol

  • Hannah July 28, 2013, 3:33 am

    Having read this right now, I completely feel all these things. I run so far from my past in the fear that no-one will accept me for it, making me even more depressed, lethargic, resentful of my time being taken up, despite volunteering myself to do things. Now I’m in counselling, I feel that something is being done about how I’m feeling. I broke the ice after a month of speaking with my counsellor last week, and felt better for it. But when I am trying to heal, I cannot abide being around people who drain me emotionally, demanding too much of the time that I have reserved for myself. These people destroy my harmony because they are unhappy themselves, and on a day like today – I have to say “enough is enough”. I know what I have to do now – and that is to be firm and fair with those who think it’s okay to approach me in a time of chaos.

    • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:11 pm

      learning to say yes to me & no to others…. sometimes no to me too…

  • Leon Mentz July 28, 2013, 8:53 am

    I have gone through so much crap in the past 6 months and you have just described me perfectly.

    I did not think all those signs you mentioned meant anything until now.

    I am so scared that nothing significant will ever change. I think my wife acts in exactly the same way. This leaves both of us so exhaustingly unhappy….

  • Lynn July 29, 2013, 5:12 pm

    I am crying because I feel like somebody finely understands me. I put up this front but I’m finding it harder and harder to maintain. I need to escape from a very unhappy relationship, I just can’t disappoint all the other family members that will be affected. I feel so lost and helpless.

  • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:05 pm

    whew. i can find joy, but it only wears like a wonderful garment, i can’t seem to inject it, or even ingest it. it’s as though it’s too big for me to get inside and so… i experience joy, but i can’t seem to sustain the feeling of joy when the volume descends to happiness. i’m 64 and i know well, that i attract wonderful things, but the depression keeps them just out of reach, it seems. i don’t have time to waste or just throw away. i’ve already lost two years recently & the days pass so fast over my head, i can barely keep up. i’m a poet, artist, some say, shaman & yes, sometimes i can feel that… why can’t i feel this stuff allllllll the time ? I’ve chased love away, & distanced myself from people i like because i feel… intimidated- not good enough. HELP.

  • Tilly August 8, 2013, 7:02 pm

    That’s me. I feel horrid but I feel like I any stop and take time to sit it out. I’m too busy…also my husband is going through “real depression” ( can’t get out of bed) so I need to look after him…not worry about me!

    Glad I’m not alone though.

  • Essi August 9, 2013, 2:20 pm

    I have been very unhappy with everything about my life lately. I have been walking through my life like a ghost for a couple of months.

    Tonight I finally realized what I am going through -a walking depression.

    I know something needs changing in my life and I will do my best to make at least a tiny start tomorrow. And make sure my best friends know what I’m going through.

    Thans you so much for this post.

  • Shewins August 12, 2013, 11:06 am

    IMHO, you are painting a picture where those suffering from “walking depression” are better people than those with full blown clinical depression. To use your words…”Gloomy unshowered schmuck. Stuck and unmotivated. Unable to work. A drag to be around. Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Never leaving the house.” How do you think that makes a clinically depressed person feel? Those are harsh and mean words that you find some truth in. Good luck with your highly functioning form of depression, at least you’re not as bad as other people, eh?

    • Alison August 12, 2013, 4:56 pm

      I want to say thanks for sharing your take on that paragraph. Of course it is completely the opposite of my intention to make anyone experiencing debilitating depression feel badly about themselves. I present it as a stereotype that the “walking depressed” use to prevent themselves from getting help. And I do link to Allie’s post which shows that the stereotype happens.

      But I can see how someone could turn that language against themselves in a self-hating type way. Of course they would, that’s what happens when you’re depressed.

      I’ll going to take another look at the article and see if I can tweak it so it doesn’t give the impression that I think the walking depressed are better than anyone else. We’re not, we just manifest depression differently. And I want EVERYONE to get help for this awful condition.

      (BTW, I tried to respond to you by email but apparently you used someone else’s email address when you posted.)

  • Robin August 12, 2013, 2:05 pm

    I also work a government job. If I lost this job, I’d take a dive over a bridge. It’s that simple. Work is so hard to find, I am never quitting this job.
    I don’t care how many damn drugs they perscribe me, I AM NEVER LEAVING.
    Some people can’t afford adolescent kumbahyah nonsense. You get up and go to work, period.
    You work till you die.

  • Todd Stephens August 12, 2013, 7:40 pm

    Yes, I am currently very much experiencing everything listed. Each and every day I push myself forward. I feel as if I have no worth to anybody ( meaning my friends, co-workers and employer ). I cannot find happiness in anything, I am only 43 yrs old and because of a congenital heart condition that has required me to under-go two open-heart surgeries every single one of my dreams that I have ever had has been taken away from me. This stuff is terrible.

    Todd Stephens

    • Denise D September 3, 2013, 1:35 am

      Hi Todd, you are not alone….I feel the same, and because of my heart disease, along with fibromyalgia and Type 1 Diabetes, which has cause serious eye disease as well as neuropathy in both hands and feet, and hypothyroidism, my life feels like a complete waste bc I’ve not been able to follow my dreams. My marriage just exists, as do I. There is nothing special in my life, and I hold on to God so tight bc He’s my only hope. I’m sorry that you’re going through this as well. It seems that no one understands us. But I guess all of us understand.

  • Jess August 12, 2013, 9:09 pm

    Love this article, thank you so much for addressing and writing about it.

    I remember at about the age of 28 I finally “gave up” trying to be brave and strong and visited my GP. I always suspected my depression but felt that because I had never missed a day of work etc that I couldn’t possibly be. As he told me, everyone deals with it differently! When I was unsure about medication, he said “jess, you have a genetic depression, if you had diabetes you wouldn’t be embaressed to have a shot daily”.

    Simply find a good GP, therapist, supportive family….tell someone….be as strong as you like but know when you need help and ASK. For a lot of us it never goes away but there are better days/months/years than others.

  • Alessandra August 13, 2013, 6:51 am

    i fight depression every day of my life. i was self/mom diagnosed at the age of eight when there was no such thing because my mom wouldn’t give up. some of it is food triggered. BHA, BHT, MSG, TBHQ in foods will cause an immediate and horrifying episode. PLEASE TELL OTHERS IT WILL HELP IF THEY CUT THESE OUT OF THEIR DIETS.
    i’m so tired of fighting to be happy. i have a drug that takes the edge off but i still have to fight. your article made me cry because it’s a part relief that i’m not alone and part depressing that i’m right there in black and white.

  • Ali. A.H August 14, 2013, 1:37 am

    This is really me! especially the part about drinking coffee, I just feel alive again and suddenly life got a meaning and purpose. I guess the most clear sign of walking depression for me is during the weekends or holidays [ where you actually have a time for yourself free from the responsibilities] This is where usually I give up and let the depression “loose” and may end up spending a Saturday on my bed.. I force myself to do things daily..

  • Angela August 14, 2013, 8:19 am

    I have felt my entire life depression but I didn’t realize that I was because, I’m guessing, of the stereotypes. I had been working since I was eighteen until I was in a fatal car accident.

    I was prescribed in the emergency room that day Prozac and tried to take all of my medicines as prescribed. I didn’t remember to take them, didn’t know if I had taken them and may have accidentally overdosed and it wasn’t only the medicine that I couldn’t keep track of.

    I was forgetting to eat and drink, which I still do today whenever I feel sad about a situation or interaction with someone. I deny myself consciously and unconsciously. I realize that I get this way, but I put it down and don’t finish it all day, from my coffee to my water. I will remember and look at, but I won’t be able to force myself to pick it up and bring it to my lips.

    I love to write, I love to doodle, and I love to read. I like to make things crafty like quilting and beading and I long to learn how too make a afghan and cable knit blanket. I will stifle myself with how to think with self-help articles and videos. I will force out of me hours and hours- pretty much all of my waking hours educating myself on how to get my head straight.

    I have a therapist. Pretty much since the fatal accident, I have been with her and she encourages having a full life, with work and art. But, I have always been told because of what my personality looks like from the outside that I would not be creative enough to succeed in the art industry.

    The state of Maine is not a creative driven state. It’s more about practicality and being responsible and independent. When I was choosing a career in high school, my interests were all in the creative industry and I was told time and time again that there isn’t a call for interior design in this state and I should choose something more practical.

    I want to write a story and an original song, but I also want the story published. But, again, where I am from, that sort of revenue of income is impractical and therefore a waste of time. I should be working and doing this, even if I am disabled and collecting disability from extreme overworking accompanied with PTSD which keeps me in a perpetual state of fear.

    I want to take your advice and keep my therapist, but you’re right. I need a creative coach. It took me seventeen years to purchase a pad of large graph paper, a drafting ruler and some drafting pencils. I have always wanted them, I never bought them and it was less than twenty dollars worth of stuff. Now I need to finish what I started, I need a boost to keep my momentum going before something makes my heart sink again.

  • MMM August 14, 2013, 8:54 am

    This described my life. In recent years I’m not even able to be creative because there’s no point. I enjoy nothing, there’re only shades of “meh”. But there’s nothing I can do about it and I have to keep on keeping on.

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  • ablooo August 14, 2013, 5:56 pm

    dang, this hit pretty hard. i’d love therapy, but i don’t have the bills to drop on it. keep on keepin’ on, i suppose. even with the struggle parts, i can put words out. vOv

  • Chicky August 14, 2013, 10:36 pm

    Since I was 15 or so I became depressed. I went on in life like everything was fine. At 17 I meet my boyfriend/ best friend. He made me life worth living, yet I still had depressing moments. A mounth and a half ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We had been together 5 years 9 months and 15 days. The reason he broke up with me was because “he wanted to do other things”. Now I’ve spiraled back into my depression. The first month I wanted to cry all the time at work and home. I went 3 weeks hardly eating or sleeping. Now I’m able to hold it in until I get home. I not only lost my boyfriend I lost my best friend. I’m so lost and alone even though I have family all around me. I really don’t have many friends because I was tired of being hurt. I’m on medication but its only helping a little bit. I’m so ready to be happy again.

  • Chicky August 14, 2013, 10:36 pm

    Since I was 15 or so I became depressed. I went on in life like everything was fine. At 17 I meet my boyfriend/ best friend. He made me life worth living, yet I still had depressing moments. A mounth and a half ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We had been together 5 years 9 months and 15 days. The reason he broke up with me was because “he wanted to do other things”. Now I’ve spiraled back into my depression. The first month I wanted to cry all the time at work and home. I went 3 weeks hardly eating or sleeping. Now I’m able to hold it in until I get home. I not only lost my boyfriend I lost my best friend. I’m so lost and alone even though I have family all around me. I really don’t have many friends because I was tired of being hurt. I’m on medication but its only helping a little bit. I’m so ready to be happy again. I’m the walking depressed.

  • anita August 15, 2013, 2:00 am

    im about to become homeless in a few days with my 4 children and im 31 people don’t no wat im going true at my age its brushed of ahhh ur only young don’t be silly ur not depressed…. wat do I have to do to get some help go and try kill myself witch ive thought about already I feel so let down by family and so called friends im so alone and don’t now what to do I cant even be a good mother as I cant even keep a home over my children what am I going to do plzzz help me

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 3:35 pm

      Please don’t feel like you are not a good mother. Life can bring many difficult times as well as the happy times. I too have 4 precious children and have often felt I could have been a better mother. A good friend once said to me that my children will see me get through the difficult times in life and come through the other end and because I have been able to do this, they will be better prepared for any challenges they might face in their life and know that they can get though them too. – This has given me so much comfort. I also have similar worries to you at the moment, but I know that there is help out there. There are people that want to help. There are charities set up which can help you or advise you. I have turned to as many places as I can to seek help including my church and charities for these type of issues. It is hard when family and friends do not seem to understand. Remember that one day you will be there to help others who are going through similar things to you. Remember you are a strong person and good mother because you carry on through all of the difficulties that life thows at you. – I truly believe you can call yourself strong and be proud of the women that you are. Things will get better. We know there are so many that struggle even more than we do on this earth. You can do it and everything will be o.k. For you and your children. They will not suffer, they will become stronger as they watch their loving mother do her best each and every day and always love them no matter what happens in life. Please know you are not alone. Please ask for help. I promise you people do love to help. Take care as best you can. Sending hugs….. (:

  • Elle August 16, 2013, 9:20 am

    This is completely me…
    I was put on anti-depressives 18 months ago but came off them after only 3 weeks because I found it ridiculous to think that I was depressed; my life doesn’t seem bad enough for me to be depressed.
    Then again, I don’t think I’ve actually been happy in any way for well over a year

  • An Lou August 18, 2013, 8:03 am

    This is me. My whole life. Since I was a little girl. Sad, unhappy. Reliable, busy, productive. I work, I take care of my family, I entertain, I’m involved.

    I need something to snap me out of this so I can experience joy.

    • Typingmonkey September 3, 2013, 6:37 pm

      Oh my gosh, me too. My whole life. I’m the do-er, the fixer, the go-to, and I’ve been unhappy my whole life. Most people probably wouldn’t guess. Now in my 40s, I’m wondering why I did everything for everyone, they all took what they needed and left me here. I’m dealing with bitterness and resentment, yet and still I’m sacrificing my time and talents for others under some kind of responsibility and obligation. What was it all for? And no outlet for true creative side which I feel as though I’ve barely explored either because my time has been taken by these obligations, and/or because I have no confidence to try. Completely miserable.

  • Joe August 19, 2013, 1:22 pm

    Most of those descriptions apply to me,except distancing myself from people who are trying to help me. But I do find myself feeling weaker and less enthusiasm for things,including finding work which I absolutely need to survive…so it’s a catch-22.

  • hannah August 21, 2013, 12:24 am

    Reading that was like reading a list of what I do daily. I’m 17 years old and I have abreakdown and cry uncontrollably, but after I’m done I carry on with my super busy daily life. I try to be the most helpful person to everyone and I rarely get angry or be mean. I am surrounded by so many people yet I feel like I have no one. I’m exceptionally good at being a super happy, positive person in front of my friends, family and coworkers, but when I’m alone it just makes it even worse. I have an eating disorder also and I know that doesn’t help. I want help so badly but I refuse to burden anyone with my problems. Its nice to know I’m not the only one going through this, I just wish it was easier to fight. I hate knowing that my happiness and sadness are both completely in my contol, because it just makesmakes hate myself even more for not being able to do anything. Depression was never something I wanted but its always been there and I hope someday I will be able to get over this and move on.

  • Julie August 23, 2013, 5:01 pm

    I was diagnosed with depression 14 years ago, then came Diabetes. I also have a bulge in my lower spine that limits my options for work so I’ve been unemployed for 10 months. My unemployment ran out 2 weeks ago and I’m facing homelessness. How does a depressed person survive all this. I don’t think they do.

  • Amy August 24, 2013, 3:52 am

    I hate that your right :/

  • Tom August 28, 2013, 3:06 pm

    thanks for this like so many others here this fits me however i knew i have had depression for a long time before being diagnosed but its only recently (just before diagnosis) that it got very severe this site helps thanks.

  • Lena September 2, 2013, 7:01 pm

    Can totally relate to the waking up in the morning feeling crumby. Especially when i sleep late the night before. I don’t think i have a walking depression, but something somewhat close to it. Something is going on with my body i think hormonally, and much of the time I feel like Ive lost a good chunk of that zeal for life and people. Especially at certain times monthly. Sometimes i think its just a matter of changing my thoughts and making sure I’m working enough, exercising, or eating better, but that doesn’t always apply. I am usually better when I’m working and going out, but sometimes find it hard to motivate myself to get out and keep busy, and even then I’m only slightly better.

  • Denise D September 3, 2013, 1:46 am

    Thank you for this article! I have felt so isolated for the longest time. I’ve been a Type 1 diabetic since I was 4 and realized I was depressed in my teens bc of my family situation. I’m an only child and both my parents are deceased. I never had a happy childhood, and my adulthood has been a mess, lack of friends, loneliness, severe health conditions and not being able to function all the time, yet I always strive to do things and be busy instead of sleeping and doing nothing. I do find it difficult to concentrate, yet I’m constantly busy doing things, running errands, taking care of stuff, taking care of my husband, listening to other people’s problems and trying to solve them. My life is overwhelming and at 55 with a heart condition, I’m totally burnt out. I also have hypothyroidism, menopause, eye disease from diabetes (I was blind for 2 years), nerve disease in my hands and feet with constant numbness and pins and needles, and I live in a neighborhood that no one wants to come to. I rarely have visitors and my husband works 2 jobs, so in 21 years of marriage, I’ve never had quality time. He’s kind, but he’s selfish. It takes him a long time to understand my needs but doesn’t know how to deal with it.
    Soooo, I live here, praying every day for an answer, and even though I’m happy when I’m out with others, I am in dire depression. I hate my life. But I have to remain busy to keep myself from going into a very very dark place. My life is a waste.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 3:07 pm

      Denise D. I am a natural people pleaser, because it makes me happy thinking about other people, but I am having to try and learn the we can not fix other peoples problems. I know that you truly do care for others and want to help solve their problems, but please remember – ‘you can’t be there for other people if you are not looking after yourself as you will crack and be no use to anyone’. Because I wasn’t looking after myself enough I was starting to crack and feel like I couldn’t give anymore. Please try to make time for yourself. I know it isn’t easy, but you must do it, even just for 20 minutes. I have found that I need more than 20 minutes most days, but on those really busy days you must give yourself at least 20 minutes to breath and look after yourself. I have made time for myself relaxing and being on here tonight and it has made me feel happy writing to you and others on here. I am like so many on here, a hard worker who finds it hard to slow down, but we must. We all need to learn to relax a bit more. Take the time to breath and do something for you. Also prayer truly does work. I prayed for a long time for many things like loving my husband more and him loving me, also for having the strength to be the mother I needed to be etc. A couple of years ago my prayers were answers and my heart was softened. I too knew my husband was a kind man, but felt he was selfish and didn’t think about my feelings. I realised I had slowly allowed myself to become bitter towards him as I was focusing on all of the things he wasn’t doing. I realised what I needed to do was to start focusing on the things HE WAS doing, like going to work and providing for our family, also feeling more grateful for any small jobs he would do in the home, even if they are few and far between. Men are so different to women and they show love in such a different way. It truly brings happiness back into your life and soul as you focus on the good that your husband does and stop focusing on what he isn’t doing. It can help too to write a few things down on a piece of paper to keep in your purse so you can see it often, things that made you fall in love with your husband. One of mine is my husbands gentle heart, remembering that gets me though some tough days. I know you will be o.k. Just look after yourself. Everyone else will survive whilst you take a bit of time for yourself. Take care. sending hugs…. (:

  • No One September 3, 2013, 8:31 am

    Great stuff. Certainly things I never would have thought about. Great points on how to pull it back together. I personally cant pull it back together. I have been to many therapists in many different states, I have been depressed for many years as well as in a terrible domestic situation. I have found if you don’t help yourself no one will and when you cant no one cares.. therapists included. my current one has become so scattered that she can even keep out appointments and double books. No one wants to hears someone elses negativity I agree.
    If you are still at a point to help yourself do it! No one else is ever going to and no one can make it better but you.

  • Mike September 6, 2013, 3:34 pm

    One of the biggest probs with depression is no one wants to know you. How the f*uck is one supposed to kick start their lives when ppl dont wanna give you a piece of their time and interest??

    And gender has a significant part to play. As a man, if you are depressed, you are effectively in a hole with only your own limbs and teeth to get out. As a woman, you have a social and societal network giving you personal support. I say personal because as a guy, its at best formal. Talking about counselling or Meds. After that, you are on your own.This has been my experience. I think as someone who has been suffering of depression, you see the human condition a lot clearer. You see that as a man, you are expected to ‘get up and get on with it’, to roll up your selves and rise to the challenge, be a man and roll with the punches.

    Theres very much a darwinian aspect at play too. ‘I’m depressed but no one cares because im a man’. And theres a lot of truth to this. Mens validation is entirely hinged on what they produce and supply society. If they are below this due to injury or depression, you may as well go kill yourself.

    Bringing me to suicide. I dont endorse suicide but one must take a close look at reality. After 30, its all down hill. All ones faculties begin to demise, we become desensitized to pleasure, we try to find meaning in our families and tv or planning to to do so.

    Many men are depressed because they are lonely. They are depressed because they realize their limitations. They are depressed because life has stopped talking to them and often feels like life has simply stopped speaking to them.

    There is spiritual malaise in men that never seems apparent in women. We dont buy into religion or tarot cards or drama like women. We dont buy into a lot of hype about life. We enjoy sex, football and music. If these interests get hit, we are fucked. We are not complicated. We dont need councelling. We need ppl who genuinely give a f*ck without ppl assuming we will automatically become some alpha male over night.

    My advice to men depressed. Dont expect women to come to care for you. Dont expect your family or friends to show they care.

    Keep an open mind to leaving what brought you down in the first place – society itself. Go take a trip, get some DMT, read up on buddhism and study it. Because sooner or later you’re gonna see that being a family man is bullsh*t, that pursuing women is a farce, that TV is just eroding your mind, that your future hopes are what got you where you are.

    • MaxZ September 7, 2013, 9:04 am

      It is quite touching. Seeing ordinary people, I would have never noticed their deppression or animosity building up to the point of suicide. I am learning to care for those who are simply hopeless. When you do give that little attention and time to someone..you can be surprised at the things that happened around them and the situation they are in. Just the thought of the open story saddens me. I have this desire to help, but I’m not always the genius that knows exactly what advice to give. Perhaps simply being with the person and spending time is one of the greatest things I can do.
      If no one cares about you in life, you see no purpose ad do not want to continue to live. Prayer is also a tremendous part. I am a follower of Jesus and find true happiness in that. Maybe it’s the idea that you have to be under someone’s command, that’ll cause someone to be against Christianity. Problem is, the church, other followers, including me, have been a bad example to the rest..Sometimes we have shown really bad light to the world. The people around see that, and are pushed away from even the thought of having God in their life. Also the stereotype with being a Christian is having to do so much more. Now you have to pray, now you have to read the Scriptures, now you have to do these things. You could have already told me that I am no where near perfect, and I had to deal through this walking depression without any support. I got to the point where I realized its easier to give it all up and follow Him. Give Him a chance. Be sincere. Ask Him to reveal himself to you, He will. It’s not A set of tasks after you realize the loved he poured out on us. We Love because He first loved us. Love from God gives me life. My love for Him keeps me alive. You will then be striving to be in communion with Him. I find no other happiness that lasts, apart from God. Be blessed!

  • Jeanna September 6, 2013, 5:27 pm

    I have felt like this for 3 years since I left my job in the Army which was my dream job since I was a little girl. When I got pregnant then married I gave up my job so it would be easier for my now husband. Ever since then I have felt like you described but I just keep going and try to find a light at the end of the tunnel but I see it, it just keeps getting further and further away. I have even started hating my husband for me leaving the job and life that I had dreamed of, though it was a joint decision for me to get out. I don’t have the time nor the energy to see someone about how I feel. My husband doesn’t think I’m depressed since I am not going crazy well at least not on the outside but me around him, my kids or anybody is very different from me when I am alone. Your article really touched me thank you.

  • kirar September 6, 2013, 9:18 pm

    Thank you for your post. I’m a walking depressive.

    I think I first noticed something wrong when I was 9 years old. I was reading “Lord of the Rings” when Frodo, who was beaten and possessed by darkness, mentioned that he doesn’t remember his home and everything that made him happy.

    I realized I felt like that too. All the time. I woke up for the time when I can go back to sleep, not that I could sleep from anxiety. I knew something wasn’t right. But I didn’t want my parents to worry about me. And I don’t want people to call me a emo loser who should just kill herself already. So I just..lived. I went to school smiling everyday while contemplating hopelessness and death. I felt numb to happiness and unhappiness. So I didn’t think I was depressed, I mean I don’t break down or stop smiling ever. Everything is fine.

    I’m 24 now, and up until a year ago I was doing just that.

  • Marc September 9, 2013, 7:37 am

    Also, maybe, there may be some small source of pride… to be able to pick yourself up and move and take care of your child (or whatever duties you have) despite desperately wishing you could collapse and die.

  • Colette September 12, 2013, 5:31 am

    I am feeling worthless, ugly, insignificant and very alone….have contemplated suicide many times…weirdly one of my brothers who I didn’t know was suffering (walking depressed) did take his own life last year….now, I have to keep my feelings even more bottled up as I don’t want to worry anybody particularly my parents…I am 39…I feel as though I could be creative….always having ideas about stuff….used to love singing (in private…nobody knows I can) but even that seems pointless…not sure how I came across this site but if it helps people express themselves then good….I am not ‘arty’ I don’t think but if it brings you all together I am glad. Thanks for reading.

    • Wendy S September 14, 2013, 12:03 am

      Colette, I understand. I’m there with you. I hope you are feeling better today.

  • Wendy S September 13, 2013, 11:59 pm

    Wow~ Oh how I relate. I’m 40yrs old and my depression has become more frequent and when it hits, It Hits hard. I’ve been depressed since my early teens. Typical, I succumbed to an eating disorder to try and punish myself. To somehow make what I was feeling on the inside, manifest itself on the out. I didn’t deserve food! At first it was a sense of control over my life-everything was spinning wildly around in my mind. I needed so desperately to have some form of stability~Starving myself became my therapy of choice. Like everything in my life it to stopped working. I’ve also been able to somehow keep going. Pretending became my Best talent. I’m a master of disguise~boy if I was an actress playing out this role, I would win an academy award; Ok, more like 16. My thoughts are consumed with self hate and wanting it to be over. A bitter aching sadness that is devouring everything within me. Robbing every pleasurable, meaningful, happy thought like an addict. I am Sad, I am Mad, I am Nothing. I don’t live, I exist. Doing what I have to do and hating every minute. I’ve not been anywhere that I haven’t had to be in way over 10 yrs. I simply Enjoy Nothing. Nothing defines every aspect of my so called life. I’ve known for along time I’m depressed. I’ve tried to get help but honestly how in the world can I get better when inside I truly don’t want too. I don’t want to do this forever. I’m tired. My reserves are depleted. Every ounce, nook and cranny of my 98 lb body wants to go to sleep and sleep forever~it’s the only time Im Alive. I’m able to stop the thoughts, the self loathe and muster up the Strength to do it all over again tomorrow. Depression has stolen my existence

  • Amgad September 15, 2013, 6:29 pm

    I agree, I am 9/10 of those. I can say I am miserable most of time never happy, never having fun. I do try moving on and changing never works. But I help some of my friends that get close to falling in depression but I push them away. I enjoyed you’re article and hope you’re help to people stays and expand.

  • Brenda September 15, 2013, 7:01 pm

    Life just keeps on going….I just keep walking through it. Something has always been wrong and I’m so tired of fighting it.
    I used to fight really hard but nothing really comes of fighting hard. Now I am a blank inside and the really terrifying part is….no one cares. Not really.
    I do feel like I owe it to a few people to at least try to hang in there while all is okay and I am “healthy”. If I ever get a terminal diagnosis or some other kind of tragedy, I’m out of here. I don’t care anymore.

  • Luke Vestergaard September 17, 2013, 10:09 am

    I’ve been depressed for quite a while, but i never really talked with anyone about it before. when i read this. 9 of the 10 points, are true about me. and have been for over 3 years now. I just don’t know what to do, when i start reading, I seen people writing about how bad that have it, and mine just seems like a “phase”. I’ve suicide thoughts daily. But I’ve never tryed to take my own life, I’m scared I’ll fail, and it’ll hurt.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:46 pm

      Luke Vestergaard – At one point in my life I would have thoughts about dying on a daily basis, but I didn’t really want to die. I felt really worried that I was having these thoughts and eventually plucked up the courage to speak to my counsellor about theses thoughts. She told me that it was normal to have these thoughts, that I was having them because I wanted to escape all of the worries and difficulties I was facing at the time. I didn’t want to die, I was just very overwhelmed with all that I faced in m life. I felt so relieved to know that this was normal and I was just crying out for help. After that I would try to ignore these thoughts and try to breath deeply and let my mind and body relax. I needed to learn to take care of myself as I was always so worried about the needs of others and never made time for myself. I am still trying to learn to make more time for myself, but since that time I have stopped feeling guilty about giving myself time to rest. I just keep on reminding myself that I work hard and that I need to allow time for myself and that that is really important. – If we don’t look after ourselves we can’t look after anyone else as we will eventually crack. Please look after yourself and always know that people really do love to look after you too. Also it is o.k. to ask when you need help, sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing to do, but people truly do care. Things will get better, I am living proof of that. (There will always be difficult times in life, but you truly will come through the other side and realise how strong you were.) Take care. Sending hugs… (:

  • Trey Allen September 17, 2013, 4:51 pm

    Im a 16 year old highschool junior,student athlete,I try to be optimistic about majority of things,and it seems to fail everytime. I struggle with my daily tasks,idk if its self pitty or really dissapointment. Im not suicidal,but I seem to care less & less about the stuff that matters the most to me. Im tired of pretending that everythings alright,that im living normal,because deep down I couldnt be more unhappy.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:24 pm

      Trey Allen. – I just read your post and wanted to give you some hope. I’m 34 now, but if you can believe it or not, being 16 really doesn’t seem that long ago to me. It is a great age to be, but also can be hard at times as you try to juggle school, friends, family, emotions and work etc. Looking back at being 16 I should have made some better choices and just enjoyed being that age, trying to look at school in a positive way and how it would help me in my life and make sure I made time for my friends and not worry too much about relationships. I felt very tired at that age and I think that contributed to me feeling depressed, also I was in a long term relationship and wasn’t happy. – I remember ending the relationship as I stopped being happy and missed just being me and missed having fun and happy times with my friends. Feeling really low thankfully didn’t last too long. I shared how I was feeling with my family and I got the help that I needed. I was taught some relaxation techniques which helped me to look after myself more and let my mind and body rest. As I spent more time with friends who I loved and trusted I became my happy self again, looking at life in a more positive light like I normally would. I know you can feel better. Spend time with good friends and let your family know how you are feeling. Try to focus on the good things in life and even when things are hard look for positive ways of getting through it, as you WILL get through your hard times. Remember you learn and get stronger from the tough times in life and you become more understanding of other people who might feel the same. I am s grateful that I can be more understanding of others and also know that I am strong because I can get through all of the tough times in life. Take care of yourself. There is always someone there who wants to listen and who cares. – Don’t ever feel like you are a bother if you need to talk to someone, as one day you will be someones listening ear and comfort. Sending hugs…..

      • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:32 pm

        I hope you don’t mind, but just wanted to say. Try not to expect too much of yourself. I know it can feel hard, but force yourself to make time for yourself everyday, even if it is just 20 minutes. – Try doing something that you enjoy and helps you feel relaxed. Also get the rest you need. It might sound boring, but sleep is important, well at least 8 hours. You’re doing a great job keeping physically busy being an athlete, but listen to your body and take it easy sometimes. Try not to beat yourself up if you don’t do all that you would like to in a day. Pat yourself on the back every time you achieve one of the things on your list. – You don’t have to complete your list, achieving one thing at a time is GREAT. Just start with the most important things on your list first and if there are some things left on the list then they won’t be the ones you have to worry too much about. Take care. (:

  • Kera September 26, 2013, 9:31 pm

    This article actually made me smile. Like a real true blue smile. For the past year or so I’ve been feeling a bit off. I have general anxiety and adhd inattentive type and havr been on medication for the past 3 years. I’m not sure what triggered my walking depression but the effects of it are showing in my clothes size. I had lost a lot of weight and then I feel like I fell asleep for a year and gained it all back. I honestly can hardly remember the past year. Well now that I’ve finally typed all of that out I think I know when it started. My son has adhd and had a lot of trouble with it in kindergarten. Which meant a lot of contact with doctors, therapists, counselors, his teacher, principal..etc. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong..and still do..I know it’s pointless to blame myself but it doesn’t change ths way I feel. I feel inadequate as a parent. So I feel like sleeping. This school year is worse. School has only been back in for a little over a month and I’ve already had to speak to the assistant principal, a guidance counselor, his teacher, his bus driver..etc. I had to pick my son up early from school because of his behavior. I have to take him to school and pick him up because he is about to be kicked off of the bus. He’s only 6 years old and in 1st grade. He can control some behavior but his energy is boiling over from the moment his eye open up in the morning. Every person I talk to seems to think I’m inadequate as a parent as well, including my husband. He says he doesn’t think that, but when I try to vent to him he just blows up and says “well if you’d just..blah blah blah..different every time.”
    So I feel like I’m going through the motions every day. I isolate myself from everyone and sleep as much as I can. I know what I am doing is not helping but I don’t have the drive to fix it. I even know plenty of suggestions that I would gladly give someone else in the same state of mind.
    I start projects that I am happy while I am working on.
    Then my adhd inattentive type kicks in and I’ve got a huge mess of possible project materials and ideas. I will suddenly feel overwhelmed and walk away from it.
    I dont know what I was hoping to accomplish by posting this but I do feel like I’ve found a missing piece to my puzzle at least. I’m pretty sure my depression started because of my feelings of failing my son after all of talks with his school staff.

    Sorry about the lengthy comment and mostly jibber jabber.

    Your article really was amazing and I thank you for posting it :-)

  • Sandy September 27, 2013, 8:07 am

    This is me. I get up every morning, go to work, get home eat dinner, go running, go to bed and get up and do it all over again the next day. Once I loved to read, write(fiction/non-fiction/songs/poetry), draw, paint, sing…then had to start taking care of family, quit college to work more, had to get a second job to recover from a divorce and still be able to help family…depriving myself of expression became a self-punishment for my failures of never having enough in me to help everyone I needed to, now here I am…I no longer take care of my dad (lost battle with cancer) no longer have to help support my mom, she moved in with my brother…don’t get to see the nieces I helped raise, never had children of my own, have no college degree to get a rewarding job, can’t afford to go back to school now, so I’m stuck working in clerical because it was the best I could get, I hate it, I’m 29 and feel like my only purpose was to help my family while I did, gave my nieces a better childhood than I had and gave my dad comfort at the end of his life, and now there’s no reason for me to be here anymore, I spent so much time making others happy I lost any sense of self or identity as an individual, I don’t know my favorite food, color, song, style (how do you rediscover joy when you don’t know what you enjoy anymore?)…it’s like I became nothing but an accessory to those I lived for, that now has been tossed from the wardrobe? I just feel pointless, empty and tired

  • Hottie September 29, 2013, 6:26 pm

    Hi, thank you for the insightful article. I’ve been working for a few years and quit my job in april to concentrate in what I really want to do instead of a boring office job and also because I was treated poorly by my colleagues but my boss was supportive and wanted me to stay. I got to say that this depression I’m having for the most part of my life is really taking a toll in me…I feel so mentally drained out and I get easily worked out, it shows all on my face even if I try to hard. I grew up with a schizophrenic brother…and it wasn’t the best childhood I had, I was bullied all the way till my working life and was called an ugly ducking so I didn’t really grew up with much confidence and a healthy self esteem, I was picked and I am really sensitive to criticism, I’ve been trying to work on the whole self-esteem thing. I have tons of friends and stuff and lost quite a few for whatever reasons, I give the first impression to people that I’m fun to be around and creative, but I get damn moody and blur at times and make careless mistakes and try to bounce back to being happy again, sometimes I find myself lost in thoughts, I get very nervous around people sometimes and I think they are going to hurt me but snap out of it by changing the way I feel as soon as I recognize that nervous feeling…I have been suicidal too and stuff..stupid things like that, it’s really quite bad, I feel that my state of mind is quite fucked up which sort of makes me artistic. I was diagnosed with biopolar spectrum and ADD at the same time. I really don’t understand about this whole brain chemical thing but I think it got altered from life experience and my thoughts and beliefs, I also think it was because I didn’t have much self esteem to cope with the real world and it made me feel worse, and I try to be really smart and read all the books I could but I do end up feeling all sorts of things and making really bad choices and my emotions and feelings that’s hard to control and people find me really weird and hard to crack up sometimes, I get those remarks and it doesn’t make me feel good so I tried to change, secondly, I do empathize a lot with others whom are experiencing the same things, I am aware that there are others whom are suffering from starvation and all these sort of things. I try to keep myself busy but my mind is like filled with junk, I find myself really easily distracted, probably a symptoms of ADD (somehow I read an article that ADHD/ADD is not a real mental disorder and it’s all fabricated, it made me skeptical about my diagnose) I don’t know, there’s lots of factors and the symptoms seemed so real, I would say our society doesn’t really emphasize with those whom are clinically depressed, I often get – you are not depressed! You should just stop putting up with a black face and people will like you better and stuff, I get really upset when I feel blamed from being this way or depressed or whatever. I’m one of those who works and when I find myself depressed and lying in bed I will get up and do stuff but only getting really messy and distracted about what I’m doing and feeling like shit all over again.

  • Marky J September 30, 2013, 10:17 am

    Thanks for this Alison. After realizing this, I never realized that I had ‘walking depression’. I kept thinking that the day would get better and maybe it was some temporary symptom. It has affected me a lot, losing sleep, losing friends, not caring for my relationship. Although I was a different person before my relationship. I used to be a popular guy amongst my colleagues and friends, but a sudden change of mentality happened as well as physically.

    I am trying to change as a person for the sake of becoming better. I’ve been put on anxiety pills but last night I’ve had a very bad panic attack/anxiety attack which prevented me from sleeping. I’ve been drinking a lot more coffee lately due to the lack of sleep, and I feel tired mentaly and physically.

    I know I shouldn’t point fingers at my girlfriend for being unhappy. But I feel like this relationship is crumbling which makes me even more sad at the fact. I am not really sure what to do as even the thought of being alone, paying extremely high rent is stressfull and does take a toll on me. I wish I could have more positive feelings but I feel very negative towards myself.

    I will take a look at your suggestions. I am just happy that I managed to land on this page as it gives me hope.

    Thanks so much Alison! I hope we can keep in touch.

  • Nacho October 2, 2013, 10:13 am

    my god… that stuff is all true. I figured it was just me being stupid and overreacting. I didnt want to admit that i was depressed. i didnt want to ask for help because i thought people would look down on me. I even look down at myself because i know there are people out there with real struggle but they can still find something to be happy about. But i guess i have been trying to be too strong for too long. it all makes sense.

  • Kevin October 2, 2013, 8:45 pm

    I have always known that I was depressed, Been one of these walking depressionists for around 15 years now. The sign “You feel like you’re wasting your life” really hits home, it is something that I feel everyday. I have not disclosed the fact that I am depressed to anyone, for the sole reason that this is my problem and that I will deal with it myself.

  • Jeri Shermaine October 3, 2013, 5:42 pm

    I seriously want to die.

    • Alison October 4, 2013, 12:09 pm

      Jeri, please contact a suicide hotline or doctor or go to an emergency room ASAP. Help is available.

  • whydoihavetogiveaname October 3, 2013, 9:32 pm

    Gosh this is so easy to relate to, sadly.

  • Anonimouse October 4, 2013, 6:05 pm

    What a fantastic article. It’s not often someone makes complete sense of something so individual. Depression, indeed mental illness, is so individual to the person suffering from it that it is hard to reach out.

    My whole life I have been wrong. Abuse. Chronic depressive, borderline personality disorder. I have been assigned all of those labels variously. Yeah, my upbringing was not right (nothing sexual, thank goodness), but ultimately it is brain chemistry, I am blessed with loving, although fucked up, parents.

    At the end of the day creativity is the keyword. I can be buzzing – all you fuck ups know me when I say this- and drawing or painting it out can fix me. A huge part of depression is losing. Losing yourself, losing others. Does it feel as though you don’t exist? If you don’t exist, how can they?

    You are just a little lost. Temporarily. Breathe. Survive. LIVE.

    I wish I could hug you, because it is going to be okay.

  • jenny October 5, 2013, 12:30 pm

    i just cant take it any more nearly a year ago was when i last tried to kill myself and was hospitalised for 3 days now i feel like im back in that place there just doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. me and some some friends made plans weeks ago for last night but then she said she had d of e this weekend and would be too tired when really her and my other best friend went to a party i feel so betrayed and unwanted i just dont know what to do now as they know i know and i can’t face the pity in their eyes im obviously no fun to be around but i dont know how to change that.

  • Michelle October 13, 2013, 8:16 am

    Hi,
    Until I read this I didn’t think I was depressed. My doctor told me I had PMDD. She treated me with all kinds of anti depresents. Which made me feel worse. I went to her because I was tiered of being unhappy all the time. It’s been years that I could actually say I smiled because I felt truly happy and just not putting on a show. I feel like I’ve lost myself forever ago. I’m stuck and can’t get out of it.I’ve stop seeing the doctor. She wasn’t helping anyway. The last time I was there she asked me what I wanted to do because she was clueless. I Keep telling myself that I’m not depressed. I’m just so angry at everything all the time.I just want to stop and I don’t know how! I get up early every morning and go to work. I come home clean do wash go to my moms and do her wash take out her trash. I feel hate just like you said on here. I shouldn’t but I do. I’m married and I don’t even want to be touched by my husband any more. I get so frustrated and treat him bad. I don’t mean to but I do it like I have no control of it at all. What am I supposed to do. How can I control this? Where do I turn??

  • Jode October 14, 2013, 4:28 am

    Hi

    I don’t know if I’m depressed or not, I’m 23 my mum an dad are away and my brother has just told me that his been self harming and suicidle on the surface I am putting on a brave face but inside I’m falling apart, my parents are back an they have since found out and they have decided we should move away, which again I have put on a brave face, but I’m destroyed as I’m leaving everything and it’s just running away.
    Putting a smile on is much better than keep crying but I can’t take the smiles anymore, I don’t know where to turn?

    • Alison October 15, 2013, 12:32 pm

      Hi Jode, It certainly sounds like you’re in a stressful situation that’s really getting you down. I hope you can find someone to help. I’d see if there was a mental health society in your area, or call a support hotline to get some ideas for where you can turn. Good luck.

  • Dave G October 16, 2013, 11:19 am

    This is pretty much how I feel I just keep going with the day to day rubbish I have a boring job the people I work with are horrible I have no interest in anything I try to change my life but it only lasts a few days and I end up giving up going back the same old crap

    • RS November 12, 2013, 11:45 am

      just perfectly said. nothing to look forward to despite 2 beatiful children to come home to everyday who love me dearly. so jealous of people who actually seem positive. what for. why are we poisoned with this madness. the only consulation is that it is out of our control. like that helps.

  • Sarah October 17, 2013, 10:40 pm

    This is me.

  • becca October 22, 2013, 11:19 am

    I feel like I was in a walking depression for years. I was in a bad relationship that ended abruptly, and my ex died less than a year after we split. The cause of death was suspicious, and there is a good possibility it was suicide. I’ll never know why he died. I just kept going, I was in a job with hateful coworkers that would belittle my ideas and top it off with a 2 hour lunch, pushing mine back to 3pm sometimes. I found a higher paying job in the city, but started drinking too heavily and lost 20 pounds bringing me to a whopping 95 on the scale. I was going crazy. I quit that job without finding another one first, hoping for a position at my old job which would be opening up in a few weeks. Now its been a month, they told me last week to “keep holding on”, but I’m afraid since I left my last job so suddenly, I can’t get hired for this one. I feel like I keep ruining my life over and over. I’m going to be that person who live with their parents and works a minimum wage job. I think I’d rather kill myself. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m taking classes trying to finish my bachelors so I can be more marketable, but it feels really pointless sometimes. Work hard to get another job I hate. I can’t be creative any more. I feel like when I draw, it’s not good enough. Just like me.

  • Jess October 25, 2013, 6:49 am

    Wow after reading this article I feel slightly better knowing that I’m not crazy for feeling this way but that this is a legit way to feel. I recently had to move from San Fransisco where I had been going to school for four years (I’m Canadian and my visa ended so I had to leave). I made a beautiful life there, there was so much art and music (I’m an animator, and a painter), and I can honestly say I was never happier. Then I was forced to leave because I couldn’t get a visa again for a job….I had to leave my boyfriend of 2 years now, my friends again (I should tell you I’ved a lot in my life, maybe trying to prove tomyself that I’m brave, I move to Toronto when Ias 16 on my own and at 20 i moved toCalifornia. I am only 25 now). I now live in Calgary, and this article describes how I feel so completely. It’s just…I feel silly, because I’m so young, and I have the support of everyone and my boyfriend is still with me long distance and he tells me he loves me every day, yet I feel so alone. Especially thinking he’ll leave me soon. I…Im so sad, I can’t be motivated, I feel so much like a failure for not being able to get a job in animation yet, just..a huge failure and everything in this article was spot on. I’m scared, but I know I have to make a change. I’ll read your other articles, hope to find an answer. Keep being wonderful, all the best, Jess.

  • DB October 26, 2013, 7:03 pm

    Holy crap. This is me. I’m a senior in high school and have felt this way for the last two years, interspersed with anxiety attacks. I don’t know how I’m going to get thru this year.

  • micah October 26, 2013, 9:29 pm

    I am in my 40s, and I have started to realize recently that I have probably been depressed all my life and I have no idea how to change it, since I have no energy or interest in anything. But I am too much of a narcissist to kill myself. So no danger there.

  • Janine October 30, 2013, 6:41 pm

    I am just having a wee cry, but, this is me 110%.

    I am 34, still living at home, long term unemployed with a MSc as my highest grade and yesterday was my lowest. I am at the point I am starting to comfort eat and wondering if I will et out of this mess and I have had a history through my life about anxiety – struggling with it big time.

    It is a relief I am not alone in thinking this. I don’t drink, smoke, or take drugs. I largely detox to get the chemical crap out of my system (I am particular with toiletries not having substances in them). One of the joys of being a chemist, there have been times I wished I have used the knowledge to do away with myself as I am that miserable.

  • BFJ October 31, 2013, 3:35 pm

    Okay so this looks like its all women and writers. I’m a man and a musician. This is me too – I recently got laid off, I would say in no small part to my inability to hide this type of depression any longer. So I got some money and had a few months off where I took care of myself and started to make more music. Quickly I got healthier and happier. So happy in fact that I finally was motivated to go back to work (and I get to work in music) and as a happy again man it was easy to nail the interview and really impress everyone with my talent and experience. So here I am about six weeks into work and it sucks, not the work so much, not the people so much, more the process, the total lack of self realization and fulfillment that is in everyone’s eyes. The overwhelming sense that, even though there are good days and some laughs, ultimately everyone is just doing their time in this minimum security prison called life. I’d almost rather to be unemployed living on the street then living in this pathetic world of pretend purpose and arrogant people of illegitimate power. I read many of you say “yeah that’s me” but I have to say I don’t feel one bit better knowing there are a bunch of people going through it. We are going through this because humans have built this existence into a virtual prison where you spend most of your life miserable for a few happy years at the end. Is it really depression? How could I feel great after 6 weeks of getting to live life the way I want and sick and horrible after 6 weeks of the pointless grind. I’m wishing I was born 300 years ago as a native american living a spiritual life off the land where at least I could risk life to survive while feeling alive every moment. In this world we’ve built, I’m dead every moment, with no risk to my life but no desire to survive. Am I really sick and depressed or does this life, that the masses of half-wits have created to imprison us, just suck?
    So the real question is what are we all doing about it for real. Am I to believe that playing my guitar for an hour a day will make it all better? (It does make it better for that hour). Again what are we doing about it? Where are the communities of artists that are forming to live cooperatively and revolt against this world of mass material consumption and self-centered pretense?
    Supposedly we are all searching for a life of purpose. Well here’s the purpose – to say no to the politician and corporation and a form of community of people who want change. Not the 99% of wall street who really just want what they think the 1% has. The millions of us who want a happy world and life. So, can anyone give me and idea of what to do, what action to take, what has truly work to change your life rather than just make you better at tolerating it?

  • VPowell November 5, 2013, 6:25 am

    I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m sad every day. After reading this post it makes sense. Yes I’ll have better days than others, but lately, I just feel so listless. I haven’t done work in class in weeks, I hate my internship and can’t leave it, everyone has such high expectations for me and I just feel like a burnt out star that’s plummeting towards the ground. I have a person to cuddle up to, I sit with friends at meals, but I also feel like no one is my friend. I snark at people way more than I used to, but I feel like they’re being meaner. The things they’ll say about me are really getting to me and it doesn’t matter how many times I’m told “Don’t let it get to you”. …If it was that easy, I wouldn’t have a problem. But I put up with it all. I smile, talk, nod, let them hug me, do what they feel they have to. But most of the time, like today, I’m sitting in front of a computer, looking up why I’m so sad, because I don’t want to do anything except sleep and never wake up. My dreams are great and I feel the happiest when I think about them. If I could dream forever I think I’d be alright, but I know I can’t. And I wake up every morning and want to cry.

    After reading this article, I can define what one of my problems is. And now that I know, I can work on trying to fix it. It may take a while, but with a term to refer to, it makes me feel a little better knowing that I can always go back to that spot and think.

  • Samuel November 5, 2013, 3:17 pm

    You hit-on a statement I have been too embarrassed to say in public. The one in your article: “You have simmering resentment toward the people you’re helping”. I have felt this so intensely at my job. Not that I dislike any of the people themselves, but it is this untargeted annoyance. I feel like a rotten person feeling this way, but the resentment is way intense.

  • Sherri Schittenhelm November 6, 2013, 6:52 am

    This is the second time that I have found your post, when surfing the web for info to help me overcome the depression that I have.
    Your words and information are comforting, when I need the support, even from someone who doesn’t know me, but understands in some way how I feel.
    Thank you & God Bless.

    Sherri

  • Sue November 8, 2013, 9:50 am

    I don’t know how to feel happy. I can’t function anymore and spend my days laying in bed. Does it stop? How do I fix myself?

  • James November 9, 2013, 1:59 pm

    Yeah this all rings a bell. I plod on but get no joy from anything despite having the proverbial wife and 2 kids who are great and seem to find happiness in normal activities. I don’t want to go on holiday,I dont want to do anything really just be on my own. My only respite is work and sleep and I definitely like the end of the day much more than the start. I sometimes drive about at night after work,late on and visit my brothers grave and go to places important to me when I grew up.i know where this will end

  • Lilo November 10, 2013, 1:25 pm

    Im in bed/indoor, hiding from the rest, for a straight week now.. The typical signs apply to me. Oh, and wine makes me happy. I really need help but i dont know who to turn to. My friends dont get me and i avoid gatherings as much as possible. I say mean things about myself, to myself and because of stress ive also developed trichotillomania, which left me with a bald spot on my already short hair that also gave me a low selfesteam. I tend to shave it all off because of it, but each time it grows back i start pulling again. I go nowhere without a hat to hide it. And to top if off im in dept plus unemployed. Cant find a job. Im a mess, heartbroken and im lost.

  • sandy November 13, 2013, 10:18 pm

    After reading this article I felt I am not the only person who is suffering from depression. I have been suffering from depression from 8 years, I didn’t know whats happening with me, my studies were hit, I was not able to get good univ, I lost many friends and didn’t make any new friends. At last from Gods grace I went to a therapist, who said, I am suffering from depression, after that I felt I could figure out whats happening with me, I am glad that I am improving slowly…

  • john doe November 14, 2013, 7:45 pm

    Hello Everyone,

    I found this site as the top hit when I googled “I’m so sad”. I hope we all understand this isn’t a site intended to diagnose or treat depression. While an article of this nature definitely has its place, the goal is to facilitate a conversation with your doctor. Too often people end up on drugs- and in depression more often than not, they’re a tool, not a cure. As a society we underestimate the impact of using the medications we use, dictated by under-powered studies with inconclusive results chasing after surrogate endpoints.

    Wish you all the best,
    Anonymous

  • Anonymous and Sad November 16, 2013, 9:08 am

    So much of this article sounds like me. I am in such a “perfectly” hopeless situation on top of everything. It’s so bad I am all talked out because there are no answers. I am a little different (maybe) in that I have a situational concept to this. My doctor really can’t help me anymore. SSRIs only do so much. I have backed off from friends because of their while not intentional but indifference at times. I have one friend who actually says “you have been telling me this for over 20 years”. So talking about it doesn’t help. I am one for answers and solutions. There are none in my case. I am sick of beating a dead horse. So I have no active friends.

    I am now 56, my daughter is off on her own with 3 children and going through her own trials. She has been keeping distance from me for almost a year and a half. I have had the most profound loneliness this past year and a half from her doing this. My daughter and grandchildren were all I have. I do see the youngest one who is 5 on a weekly basis but that will change when she gets older. But during the week no phone calls and coming home to an empty apt takes it’s toll. I work full time. I drag myself to work chasing 3 buses every morning. While I like my job, I find myself staring at my computer and feeling so fatigued that I can’t keep my eyes open. In all this I have a marked frown and songs of long ago are echoing in my mind and stabbing my brain and my heart. I can’t listen to my favorite music anymore because I long for my younger days when things made more sense. I am scared of growing old alone which is what is happening.

    I have not been with a man since 1986 when I left my abusive husband. That alone makes me bitter. I can’t go into all the particulars on that one. But that is the crux of the depression I have suffered. I feel my life is wasted and I am facing end of life like this. I have spoken to friends, family and my doctor and none either didn’t care or didn’t understand. I get this from my doctor “go to an online dating service”, my sister says “men are all perverted anyway, and I don’t need it” (yet she has always had someone, she is just taking a break), my friends act like “so what’s the point?” and they like their life being alone. And I am existing and there is no joy in life. My faith is shattered.

    I raised my daughter alone throughout almost and she was all I had. She has had to deal with my depression and is sick of it. And that was the last bit of communication with anyone that I lost. Nothing is fun. Going to the beach used to make me happy. Going to Disneyland is a drag to me. I don’t go anywhere other than work and home. When things escalate at times I do self harm. My doctor doesn’t understand why I have done this so I quit mentioning it to him.

    This is ironic because I am sick of this “dead horse” and I am posting a message. My days are filled with major regrets and haunting memories that should be pleasant memories but hurt because they are long gone. I miss my mother who passed away in 1998. We were never close but losing your parent is a tough one. My stepfather passed way a few months ago. While he was abusive he was the only father figure I knew and though we hadn’t stayed in touch, I was totally crushed just the same. I have never been anyone’s little girl but now I am definitely nobody’s daughter. I need a mommy to take care of me and tell me it’s going to be ok and nobody can do that for me. Not my friends, family or doctor.

    Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me from pulling the plug is my youngest grand daughter who wouldn’t understand if I did something like that. So I keep going on on automatic. Sleep used to be my only out. But sleep is not good because of sad dreams.

    I am 56 and not a trace of me is left from what I was. I hate the me I am now. I regret choices that put me where I am today and I can’t go back and fix it and it’s too late to move on. There is a lot I can’t mention. But there is so much to this and there are no answers. I like to solve things. Which is why I do jigsaw puzzles. But now they don’t interest me, I don’t read books anymore. Nothing interests me anymore.

  • Marly November 22, 2013, 10:59 pm

    I hate that I’m here at 2am wondering yet again why I can’t just be happy. I have no reason not to be. I’m 21, engaged, and have a job. I’m doing better than most but I’m just… Low. All the time. I work my 80 hours a week to keep us afloat so he can finish college and give us a better life. I clean the house, I cook, I try to keep up with my family. But it’s getting so heavy. I’m tired of working, working, working until everything hurts and I can’t even convince myself to drive home. I’m tired of laying in bed for hours listening to my fiancée sleep and trying not to cry so I don’t wake him up. I love him and want him to be happy but I know he knows I’m not happy and that hurts him too. I can’t even look my mother in the eye to tell her the lie that I’m ok, just tired, anymore. Therapy didn’t help much and the drugs only propped me up for a while. What is wrong with me?

  • Finn November 23, 2013, 1:55 am

    I get all of these, except the “I don’t have something to look forward to”

    I have plenty of things to look forward too, but I still feel unhappy.

  • Aric Herweck November 24, 2013, 2:11 pm

    I woke up this morning… And i finally realized i have been depressed for years. This is so hard to admit because I’m 21 years young and most people who look at me would never guess what I’m going through. I am above average when it comes to looks and have been praised through my lifetime for my logic and intelligence. But why am i so unhappy? Why must i turn to alcohol and substance abuse (marijuana) just to feel happy or simply numb? Why do i feel like the world keeps going but I’m useless and staying still? Why do i refer to myself with negative self talk? Why have i never had confidence despite my gifts? Although people have always accepted me, i have always felt awkward or uncomfortable. I don’t feel like i mesh with people in this day and age. Maybe i have too much free time. Maybe I’m a slave to money and i resent it. I have no idea why I’m this depressed. But even though i feel alone, I’m determined to fix this issue. By the time i lay down for eternal rest, i want to be truly happy. Content with myself and the world I’ve lived in.

  • Sherry November 27, 2013, 11:46 am

    My mother didn’t love me and my father was not a part of my life I feel broken.So my life now is pretty good but guess what it doesn’t matter.I chug on everyday to keep everyone else happy but Im just waiting to die one day.Hey don’t worry I won’t kill myself to much to do.To many people counting on me.

  • Daniel November 29, 2013, 5:23 am

    This article is implying that people who are disabled by their depression are weak. This is false and perpetuates the stigma that people with mental illness are just lazy whereas others can go on with their lives dispute being unhappy.

    People with severe depression who are disabled by their illness don’t want to be depressed – no one does. They can’t chose to carry on with their lives; it’s as hard as it would be to climb mt. Everest.

    What you are describing is a low grade depression called Dysthymia, which is a real diagnosis in DSM 4 and 5 but not as disabling as major depression. So stop calling it depression to make it sound like you’re stronger than others who have it – because you either don’t or you have dysthymia.

    • Alison December 23, 2013, 1:43 pm

      Daniel, as I wrote to an earlier commenter, I don’t mean to imply that powering through depression is somehow superior to being laid low, or that one person’s experience is worse. Both are awful; different people just have different responses. I certainly don’t believe that people disabled by depression are lazy or choosing to give up.

      I think you’re right, what I’m describing could also be called dysthymia, which is the medical term for low-grade, chronic depression. I think you can see from the comments here that many many people don’t realize that what they’re experiencing is actually depression, because it doesn’t look like a major, acute depression. Anyone who thinks they have dysthymia should see a doctor if at all possible.

  • Kel December 1, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I sat at my computer today working on a nonprofit project – I do dozens a year to help fulfill my “creative side” … my life has been tormented w/ pain this year – I’ve had several surgeries and no answer to the pain in sight … I often wonder if it’s in my head – I carry so much burden and feel as though I’m an empath for those around me – that their pain is more important than my own … as I worked on this project today I stopped and began to sob – uncontrollably so – I want my fun life back – I want to reconnect w/ my spouse to find value in friendships … to feel motivated to shower each day (sniff) … I searched for “sad and unable to move on – wishing to be no more” – and it brought me to your page … thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one – though I know this it is still good to read and see others accompany this path … I see my Dr tomorrow ~ Thank you.

  • Shaylin December 1, 2013, 4:26 pm

    I feel… Unhappy… But I don’t know if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m definitely beyond sadness, but am I really depressed? I’m 12, see, so I think Im too young for depression, but my mom died of cancer not too long ago and I can’t shake the lost feeling. I haven’t told anyone my feelings or that I might be depressed yet, and I don’t know if I should. Nobody knows I am depressed, I think. I just kind of suffer in silence, I guess. Am I depressed? Yes? No? Maybe? People have noticed a change in me after mom’s death, but… Did I really change? I don’t know what to do!!

    • Alex December 2, 2013, 2:58 am

      Shaylin:

      My mom died of cancer when I was 16. I’m now 27. The sense of profound loss still clings to me to this day, though it ebbs and flows as time marches ever on and distractions pop in and out of my life. I have only realized this year that I’m probably depressed. A lot of these feelings and pathways have their roots in my mom’s death, which is only something I’m realizing a decade after the fact. My dad never dealt with it in a meaningful or constructive manner and my siblings are just as much – if not moreso – affected by the results as I have been.

      You may not be truly depressed right now; indeed, you may be in bereavement still and the grief is yet fresh enough that it may be the sole or major cause of your mental state as it exists right now. But, I implore you: don’t drag your feet on this. If it isn’t depression yet, it very well may be down the line. Reach out and talk to someone – a friend, a family member, a teacher – someone who you can trust. Don’t let it fester like I did.

      -Alex

  • JoMarie December 6, 2013, 9:19 pm

    This is me and I’ve known it forever. While I’ve done work to feel better and have had genuine periods of happiness, there is always that dark cloud that’s just been looming there since I was born. I was raised by loving parents, but I’ve always just been very aware of this ‘doom’ and feeling worthless. Now today at 39 it’s fairly normal to have days where I just sit in my office behind a closed door and cry while I Gchat with anyone who will listen as im desperately trying to connect. Other days ill just be dull and heavy. And most the time I’m filled with this anger of how i hate my job and life and feel like a failure and I now take it out on everyone around me. And sometimes blab my intense discontent for work with people at work and i know I shouldn’t!!

    I used to be fun, sweet and loving and now I’m just icky to be around; it’s embarrassing.

    I’m letting the cloud get closer and closer as I continue to plug plug plug away…fake life and moan to myself about all the little crap things I have to do just to get out of the house and I think to myself ‘why? What’s the point?’

    BUT here’s the thing that gets me. Maybe this is just life? We are all unhappy robots just doing what we have to so we don’t wind up like the homeless men and women I see daily on the subway platforms. Normal is depression likely. Who says happiness is normal?

    Another theory is that i wonder if there are really souls from past lives, am I living out the personal hell of being something evil in a past life? Like I said this sadness has been there since as far back as I remember yet my childhood was picture perfect for the most part. My parents are still together and my biggest fans, (which is crushing).

    My dad is so proud of me to the point he’ll cry and it breaks my heart because he has no idea how deeply depressed I am… How much I loathe this daily BS and how I am beginning to really hate myself for being a coward for dumping my artistic dreams in favor of a salary and health benefits I.e. the ‘easier’ life but hello epiphany, it’s actually harder! I just get to eat whatever I want without the worry of the financial implications….but my life is heartbreaking for my existence. I’m a failure and gross.

    I used to drink DAILY for years. I quit 4 years ago to change, to love myself, but it’s not really worked out too well. i still feel crappy, so I’m starting to contemplate some wine soon again….

    The worse part is how guilty I feel for being SO pathetic. And being a burden to friends who are tired of hearing it. I’m driving people away and I don’t blame them for running. I wish so bad I could run from ALL THE TIME!

    And alas I turn 40 in April and I’m starting to feel so sad that I have no babies and no potential suitors. I’m not ugly and people think I’m in my late 20s so I think hey I have that going for me, but I know this ugly feeling on the inside makes me unattractive and who’d want to date that?

    I really think I need to leave NYC immediately if I want happiness and a husband and a baby, but then I remember that phrase “wherever you go, there you are.”

  • tree December 7, 2013, 10:42 am

    im tired of life …everything do falls apart…i cant take any more ivve had a ruff 3 years and as soon as it seems my rollercoaster in the dark will end ..it doesnt t stops then starts all over agin 29 and misserable i work everday to pay the bills and stick a fake smile on my face that doesnt even make it beliveable anymore i havei fake unbelivable smile that doest hide how i eel any more im tired of it all

  • Matt December 8, 2013, 9:13 am

    I’m a 42 year old male with four children who’s wife left me years ago because she thought she got married to young. I was so full of life back then. Now 15 years later remarried and have everything but am so empty inside. The depression runs my life. I thought with time everything would heal but it just gets put in a box. I feel more depressed today then I did when my wife left me for know reason to this day. I am and was a living dad that loved being with family and kids. The feelings of not being there every second with my children is killing me. The weekend dad sucks, it’s just not the same. My kids are all grown up now but, I feel like I don’t even know them. I do call and see them but the connection just is not there. I find myself constantly moving and buying new cars or things to feel good, but it wears off after a little while. I find it hard now to make friends and just want to be alone most of the time. I have developed over eating habits and no interests in work or play. Don’t even look forward to the weekend anymore. Dead inside

  • LLP December 10, 2013, 12:08 pm

    Wow!

    I am a creative(performer), and I have been trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get my life and myself to feel good. I am able to leave my feelings in the wings and get on with my job, which sometimes is the only thing that grants me the happiness I need. Or put on a smile for the camera. I have done this for almost 8 years.

    I have had no idea what to do about my state. I feel a lack in productivity and sometimes feel better when I smoke marijuana or drink. Truth is, once I get on that path, I can’t find my way back. I will smoke and drink the little money I make. Since I got married about a couple of months ago, I give my wife whatever money she thinks we need and intoxicate myself with the rest. I do this so I can feel inspired and motivated, or to forget, but when I’m sober; I’m back in this dark hole I can’t seem to get out of!

    There is a light coming from somewhere in the whole, a tiny glimmer of light, which gives me hope. I know I am capable of doing so much more and add value to my life and other people’s lives. I just can’t get myself to do any of what I feel I should do to be the man I have always felt I am. I have dreams and hopes for myself and my beautiful wife. I just don’t know how to BE for us. I can’t even structure my thoughts sometimes.

    I have loads of ideas and stories I want to write, but when I have that pen in my hand, I am reduced to nothing. I feel empty. This hurts because I sometimes feel I am losing the love that defines me. My creativity. Who am I if I can’t express myself the way I love and the way that makes me feel alive?

    Lately I feel like disappearing without anyone noticing… Just vanishing from the world. No loss to anyone. No pain to my family. Just vanish, like I never even existed. There are times I even hate looking at myself in the mirror.

    There are so many things I feel! I am losing friends because I don’t want to see them or take their calls. My feel further and further from my family because I hate talking to them. But, just like you say, Alison; when I have to face the world I do so with a smile. How painful it is to be what you don’t feel…

    I don’t know where or how to start looking for help in Johannesburg.

    But, maybe one day I will rise above and be what I am meant to be. Walk with my head held high. Speak up when spoken to. Be nicer to the people who love me. Be a voice people want to listen to. Be respected, and not feel so pathetic and sorry for myself all the bloody time! I could go on… Hark! ‘Tis but all I shall utter in this moment…:-) Help me, if you can.

    L

  • Sandra December 10, 2013, 8:26 pm

    This describes me. I haven’t been able to enjoy any of the fun festivities I’ve taken part in. I’m not even excited about the amazing guy I am dating. I don’t feel happy and I feel overwhelmed. Feeling lost.

  • melanie December 12, 2013, 3:21 am

    It is nice to know i am not alone is this. & others have come through worse. I just want it all to clear and to be happy & feel healthy again. The hardest thing is i know i am not riding my motorbike, not enjoying folk around me, not doing my artwork ; all sounds so simple to fix & just do; but just getting on with the basic’s and making it throughout the day is tough. I almost physically find myself walking backwards from things that used to make me happy at the moment, kind of like a fear. My daughter is in a bad relationship & in care with teenage depression issues. My father is elderly and I am the only one ( feels like the one they all hate) trying to keep it all together ; my daughter no longer wants to see or connect with her brothers / home life she’s totally withdrawn into a concerning relationship with her b/f’s family. Which her career’s are trying to moderate, as it is not helping her depression at all & I should be upbeat to lift her on odd times i do see her, & do try to. However i am so worried & it makes me so sad. I am trying to find the good in everyday yet feeling wiped out & defeated from often the point of opening my eyes. yet having written this it appears to be nothing to how much worse it could be . It sounds so silly.

  • Gemma Fletcher December 12, 2013, 10:50 am

    Yep I feel exactly like this at the moment and can see no light at the end of the tunnel.Im 24, a mother to two boys 6 and 3.Every day is the same look after them, see to there every need then finally flop in to bed without even taking my makeup off sometimes or clothes a few times.im just that exhausted.I would hate to come across as a person who doesnt value their children because i love my kids to bits, but I feel I shouldnt be looking after anyone I can barely look after myself. I am a mess, ive been through a lot.Domestic violence playing a big part and getting addicted to codeine as a way to block all the pain of everything that went on.I nearly had my children taken off me through that monster.Thankfully they are okay, and happy as always but im not.im not coping.I only feel im alive to look after the kids.I never have a break no one (family) help me out.I feel like im a ticking timebomb waiting to explode.im sooo angry with everyone and everything, this isnt me at all.I was a very bubbly happy go lucky girl and I dont know where she has gone.I really dont

  • Broken December 13, 2013, 10:24 am

    I admit I have depression the whole thing is I am unable to get help. I have been a single mom for two months now, I have no car, I work from home, I have three boys all under four – none in school yet, and I am constantly stressed about finances, the kid’s behavior, cleaning, and everything else. I get horrible headaches every day and I just want some help. I have no support system, no one to watch the kids so I can go see a therapist or nothing. People always want to ask me for favors but no one is available to watch the kids for a few hours so I could get the help I so desperately need. I feel like a failure and I wonder what my purpose is on the earth daily. I cry most of the day and it is to the point where I cant even keep my eyes dry in front of the kids.

  • Cory December 13, 2013, 10:21 pm

    I don’t think therapy will help out my depression because my life has absolutely no meaning besides living for livings sake.

  • Cyndi December 14, 2013, 8:35 am

    Just stumbled onto this website after simply searching Google with “I am so depressed.” Walking depression . . . that is exactly what I feel. I have 5 daughters, 6 grandchildren, and wonderful husband. I love them all so very much . . . but I am not truly happy. I will be 60 next summer. Lost my mom and dad within the past two years. Never felt like I lived up to their expectations and there were issues that I was never able to tell my mother about until was elderly, and then everyone just ignored it. I changed careers . . . from a stress-filled but challenging professional job to a middle school math teacher (of course a stress-filled but challenging position as well) . . . at the age of 50. I keep looking for the next thing that will make me happy. I do everything I can for my family to make sure they will continue to love me, but it never seems enough. That is not something that my family says . . . it is how I feel. I become resentful because I don’t feel that anyone is grateful. I work in a school with a very needy population, where many families do not value education as a priority and respect is not necessarily taught in the home. I know I am reaching many students successfully, but the ones I am not reaching are really dragging me down. I drag myself out of bed in the morning, do everything I need to do through the day, and just count the hours until evening. I feel like I am wishing my life away. There is so much more to say . . . I don’t want to harm myself, but sometimes I wish I would just stay asleep forever. I want to live. No, I want to LIVE!

  • Kate December 15, 2013, 3:25 am

    I’m still a teenager, and I feel like admitting anything like this would mean I haven’t realised that hormones are also making me increasingly moody and sad. I love being creative, writing, making new strange wonderful pieces of art, but I feel like I have no support, that whenever I attempt to be creative my parents are just thinking ‘oh great, another piece of clutter in the making’, which isn’t true because I never get around to making anything most of the time. I feel like I have to keep bottling everything inside. I feel like I’m crumbling under the pressure of deciding how to possibly do anything with my life, how to get anywhere that I want to go without any support. My parents keep telling me that I have to pay my own way, so I spend every night thinking about how I’ll ever afford to go to university, and live somewhere, and pay for food, furniture. I feel like if I every get there that my life will finally start to have some meaning, but shouldn’t I feel my life has meaning now? Shouldn’t I look back on these teenage years and think about how great things were, not feel like they are just a series of necessary years of nothing to eventually get me somewhere that I may or may not even want to go?
    I don’t even understand how I can say or feel all this, I can’t help feeling guilty because there are so many more people in the world who are far worse off than me, who have an actual reason to cry.
    I don’t want to hurt myself. I love my family and I want to do something with my future. I know I do. I just can’t help feeling helpless at the thought of everything that I have to do alone.

  • DA December 15, 2013, 8:41 pm

    I seriously think most of us on here are Indigo children. Go ahead google it. You will be quite surprised. I’ve come to the realization that I must have landed here from some other dimension. I constantly feel out of place. It sounds crazy but this depression is no joke. It’s not our fault though. We have very little freedom to just be ourselves judgement free. Too many expectations to live up to. Our creative selves are suppressed not by us but we just have so much going on. I dropped a link for those interested. It gives me a small bit of peace, helps me understand a bit about what may be going on with me.

    http://indigolifecenter.wordpress.com/are-you-an-indigo-adult/

  • chris December 16, 2013, 3:19 pm

    This is me but I don’t know what to do about it.

    • philip January 10, 2014, 7:18 pm

      It depends, ride it out, surf it like a wave it will pass. I’m in and out of depressions all of the time. One week I’m good the next week I feel deathly. I do not see why we have to label it ‘depression’ from what I understand it’s normal and part of life as much as we don’t want to admit it. It is hard to see the light when you are lost in it, but you always come out of it right?

  • Andrea December 17, 2013, 11:45 am

    Holy cats. I’m a stay at home Mom with two sons. My husband works FT and goes to school to finish his degree. I have become SO angry at my kids and husband lately. I just googled anger and this article popped up.
    It describes me to a t.
    I have struggled with severe depression in the past and know that I do not have that.
    But this…
    Strong willed creative. I get it. 100%.

  • Maria December 17, 2013, 2:13 pm

    I have always been depressed everyday in my life! I have try to find some happiness and nothing really works for me. I always have problem with my family and boyfriend. Every time I had try to talk to them they would laugh at me and I can’t tell them anything. I always keep everything to myself without anyone know about this. They think I am fine which I am not! Sometimes I wish I had disappear and never come back. Only thing I have to write everything in the journals and it have helped me when I am available to write, when I am busy I can’t write my journal in front of anyone. I really like to write when I am alone without anyone is around! I don’t know what I should do. Depression is not good for me it made me really tired and shaking so much!

  • Megan December 17, 2013, 8:58 pm

    This is me in so many ways. But I just can’t break out of it. I can’t find a true source of meaning in my life. Every decisions and interaction is clouded by anxiety and fear, and its causing me to not want to exist… I’m scared to ask for help because I don’t want people to judge me harshly or not take me seriously, or that they won’t be able to help me. I’m scared of my own emotions. X'(

    • Leigh December 18, 2013, 6:21 pm

      Megan, you have described what I have been feeling for the past 5 years. I’m scared to ask for help but I have forced myself. All I was given was a prescription. I can’t afford therapy and I have no health insurance (up here in Canada our health care only cover certain things..I was told therapy was not one of them). Any time I have an “episode” I write every bit of feeling out, then I usually rip it up and throw it away. It’s so hard. I’m 25 and I have nothing in my future to look forward too.

  • Christian December 18, 2013, 9:30 pm

    I am 21 years old and i dont know what its like to be a normal person my age. After a messy divorce of my parents, a house fire, and my mother getting a brain tumor and having brain surgury has made me the man of the house at 18 years old. I started working full time while i was still in high school and continue to do so. Ive been working as a line cook. I feel like nothing i do is appreciated nothing i do is recognized. I have a manager that cant see good in anything i do and seems to hate my guts for an unknown reason. I have been nothing but respectful. On my current wages i can afford to pay my bills and thats it. No money to pay for car insurance so i dont drive which leads me to be even more reclusive. I feel stuck, like a failure and scared of what the future can hold. I dont have time to get into collage or a means to pay for it (no credit, no relatives willing to cosign a loan). My mother cant work at all anymore. My little brother who lives with us is working at the same place i am as a host/busboy making barely enough to give me 150 bucks a month towards bills. Noone seems to notice how i am feeling and this is my first time being open about my thoughts and its to a bunch of strangers i will never meet. I wont lie I have had thoughts of suicide but at the same time i think about the family i am leaving behind and what they would have to do and go through to continue making ends meet. But i still put on that same fake smile everyday and continue pushing through the seemingly endless depressing monotony called life. The only time i “feel happy” is when i am smoking weed or drinking. The reason i put that in quotes is because even while doing those things that people consider escapes i still have the same thoughts, stresses, and worries as before i just stop caring for a little while.

    I dont expect anyone to feel sympathy for me i just had to say something to someone. I dont care if anyone reads this as long as its been said. I could go on for days but ill stop here.

    • Lucy January 29, 2014, 6:03 am

      Dont know what to say but wish i could give you a hug and listen to you properly.
      Luce

  • Shanell December 18, 2013, 10:27 pm

    So Helpful. :-)

  • Angel December 19, 2013, 9:49 am

    Today on google I typed in “I am extremely depressed” and all these sites popped up claiming that I’m bi-polar or i get depressed when it’s the winter. None of these seemed to fit quite right. Then I found this and it brought me to tears. This explained me to a T. I feel very unaccomplished in life and I am just so angry every day, but yet I have a baby that spend every waking moment tending for and a boyfriend that has a hard time showing any other emotion aside from anger. It’s nice to finally put a name to what I feel, but the world is so shallow now-a-days and the lack of compassion from others is mind blowing. But every day I just keep on keeping on while feeling horrible for doing it. I’m so thankful that I found this.

  • Alisha December 21, 2013, 12:30 am

    I want to just thank you for this. It has helped me figure out why I was like this but I have a question. Anyone can answer. Does feeling obligated to do everything anyone asks relate to walking depression? I want to thank anyone who helps me answer this.

    • Alison December 23, 2013, 1:29 pm

      Hi Alisha, Good question! I think this compulsion to do things for others is something that makes us more vulnerable to walking depression. If we’re doing it to fill a hole in ourselves, then it’s unsustainable in the long term and we burn out and can succumb to depression.

      I’ve also read that depression is a result of repressed anger. So if you’re feeling resentful about doing things for others and stuff that emotion down, it can backfire. That certainly happened to me.

      Does that answer the question?

      I’m glad the article was helpful to you and I’m glad you commented too. Take good care of yourself!

  • mary December 29, 2013, 3:15 am

    After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2347053977842) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.

  • Virginia December 30, 2013, 2:28 am

    Yea I’m waiting for it to all blow over I don’t wanna seemlikeoneof those tupical teens but I guess we are all on a similar boat, I mean I’m going thrpugh pretty standard stuff but I’m finding it more difficult to communicate with poeple even my chilled family, I’m not really feeling much of variety of emotions accept boredum and so what and then a bit of axiety, dunno if this could of stemmed from trying to be happy all the time because I have experienced some euforic events but maybe it all came to quicklybut maybe I put too much pressure on myself to be happy all th time in antivipation for the events. I intend to be seeing a new therapist soon,hopefully gettingmyself back on track before I hit the hsc year and just keep it real

  • bob January 1, 2014, 7:14 am

    What to do? When I read “reduce your responsibilities”, I realized I didn’t have to do so much, and that made me feel better. But now that I’m typing this, I realize that living alone and working at home is suffocating me. :(

    I think my depression would ease up if I could meet a woman and have a warm relationship, but hope can you date when you’re feeling utterly shattered inside?

  • J-Punch January 1, 2014, 3:44 pm

    At least among the futility and absurdity of the suffering of existence, there is occasional solace in the fact that the things we desire to make ourselves happy, or the thoughts that lead to our misery. are also empty and pointless.

    I used to make songs. Basically gave up music though for many of the same reasons described above.

    I’ll share them though – Maybe they will bring someone else some comfort.

    http://www.jpunch.com

  • Simpson January 1, 2014, 10:10 pm

    Because of my traumatic childhood, I’ve been depressed all my life. Right
    now I feel like a failure, all my efforts that I’ve put into my dreams have not
    lead me to success. My only motivation was to be a successful woman to
    take care of my grandma, but I’ve failed. I feel so sad I haven’t accomplished
    anything.

  • sandra January 4, 2014, 5:33 pm

    Ive been like this for a very long time tryed all been everywhere nothing helps cant talk about my feelings in case I hurt my familys …..leaves me with a feeling of mothingness …..I have cried out loads its like no one hears or understands …or they are to busy thinking of there problems that sound selfish ….but they dont even understand this darkness even in my eyes or behind my mask so what do I do ………thnxs this has made me reliese im not the only one …at least

  • Courtney January 5, 2014, 3:02 am

    I just keep reminding myself that I’m young, that I haven’t experienced life at all to the fullest yet. But even though I am young, I feel like my time is running out, and I just keep wasting it. Nearly all of these little bullet points hit me. I’m very unhappy, and I have no idea what to do.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:29 pm

    I don’t know where to begin- but this article fits me exactly (except for the drinking thing {I’m 14} but I do drink at least one cup of coffee a day.)
    I don’t know when to start- but I hurt all over, every single day; no one truly knows- I make sure I appear happy before talking to anyone.
    Everything is an act.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:40 pm

    Everything is an act- and I don’t know where the sadness and pain ends, and I begin. I despise myself, indescribably so- but I force myself to continue, silently; other people do not need to hear my shit. I place everyone before myself- because I am unworthy- and people are so used to my aid, that I cannot back out now; at home, I clean and cook- and listen to everyone’s problems- no one listens to mine, because they are completely unaware- it’s not worth speaking about, to be honest. I deserve to waste away.
    All my friends look up to me, and expect me to hold all the answers (to whatever question is given by the teacher, whatever problem they may have, whatever topic, whatever reason- where ever and whenever) and I can’t- and I won’t let them down.
    I shouldn’t even write so much- I feel so petty, and feeble- compared to all these people with real problems.
    Everywhere I go- there are real people- with feelings, and who actually care (deeply) about those around them, who actually have real problems.
    I’m going to stop babbling on now- I feel as though I am making no sense.
    I speak like this now- but I will smile, laugh and be just as approachable as I always am; I am not at my worse- I am alive.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:47 pm

    Sorry that ending was quite abrupt :/ I’m not very good at writing on these sorts of things :/ Sorry D; I was rushing a bit towards the end. Sorry in advance D;

  • Chris January 6, 2014, 1:27 pm

    What has been said in this article is true for me. For years now I have lived life and watched helplessly as one after another my dreams in life have been shelved and then finally discarded because of the need to take care of my family. I have always only done work that I can find enjoyment in. Any job I’ve had, I always sought to find a way to be passionate about it. But everything I have done for the past decade or more has been to make sure my family is okay. This is obviously vitally important, especially with young ones. Nevertheless, I have found myself asking,”What’s the point?” I have wondered what will I do in the future when the kids are gone. On December 4, 2013, my 13 year old son died in a sudden and tragic accident. At this point, I simply have nothing worth living for. It is horribly difficult to even get going in the morning. I would not take my life, but I have wondered if you could drop over dead simply because you don’t have the heart to keep on living. Yeah, I guess I am really depressed.

  • shirley January 7, 2014, 6:12 pm

    my god this is me, ive just came from the doctors this wk. im the mad one everyone thinks is happy but behind closed doors i cry all the time, my husband loves me and bends over backwards for me but im still not happy. i just feel like im gonna lose everything and im unsure wether its because he just doesnt make me happy or im depressed. i cant sleep, i constantly have negative thoughts in my head, yet i smile on the outside as soon as someone speaks to me. this has gone on for a while now but i keep saying i want to split which has recently made me see doctor

  • Betty January 8, 2014, 10:18 pm

    It’s 1:03 AM and I’m reading word for word how I feel. I’m strong, proud, intelligent and completely unhappy. I divorced the love of my life three years ago. I have never gained closure. But deep in my heart I love him very much. Reality hits me when I think of going back. I don’t want to be with him but I’m hurt that it ended in betrayal. I truly thought he was the one. Six months later I lost my dream job due to the company shutting down. I want bits and peices of my old life back. This keeps me in constant depression anxiety and feeling unwanted by my ex and my job. I don’t know who I am any more. I want to know what I did to lose both my roles in life. I live in my bedroom away from everyone. No social life. I’m a very independent women. But I’m crummbling I can’t handle the stress any more. I just want to find myself.

  • sarah January 10, 2014, 10:36 am

    This post really speaks out to me, except I dont feel that I am creative? I don’t know, maybe this would help me.
    I’m currently at university and I’m 20, turning 21 next month. I should have the world at my feet, but it just doesn’t feel that way. I dont take pleasure in any of the things that once excited me, and I have never been truly happy since I split up with my boyfriend over a year ago. Yet, even then I wasn’t truly happy. More and more things and people jut seem to be going missing from my and i feel i have nobody to speak to. All my friends are happy and I am very low on their priorities, most of them have boyfriends and they aren’t interested in my boring mundane life or spending time with me, and who can blame them. I try and act happy to make people like me but it doesn’t work. I feel fake and I cant go on any longer. I don’t know what will make my life feel more full but i just wish i had someone to talk to.

  • W January 12, 2014, 2:07 am

    thank you for writing this, i feel this way. i function more than most of the people i surround myself with yet i am so hollow and empty. i am capable so i get left alone to deal with it while others have everything handed to them to no avail. the more i show of my real self to people the more i realise i am not friendly or nice i am actually very angry and resentful of everything i feel ive done for others while i quietly die inside.

  • helen January 13, 2014, 12:30 pm

    I think I’m one of them, everything fits exactly, walking depression, god what do I do, I thought I was over depression, but no I broke down last night, almost 24 hours now I’ve been away from home, 13 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, Was going through divorce, I lost the job I really felt proud of being in, I became a single mother doing 3 jobs filling 7 days a week, I met my now husband and I finally went for help and took a few years of depression pills, was tough but felt fully recovered, then had my son, now 6, I thought everything was perfect, my husband cooks for me, works and provide me house and car, kids are in private school, everything should be and sounds perfect, I also live with my in laws , and as I don’t cook, I try to do everything else, I help out in the family business 4 days a week, the other 3 days I’m responsible for doing the homework with the kids and look after them, I also do everything for my in laws, helping them in and out doctors appointments and whatever they need, I also do all the housework cleaning, but it doesn’t seem good enough what I do, cos working with my husband has put a big strain on our relationship, but I must work with him as it’s a family business. If I go he says I don’t care, but working with him I constantly get shouted at , for 10 years I’ve been with him, he says he’s done everything for me, provided for me and the fact that the in laws accept my older daughter and treats her as their own , I should feel so lucky and content and happy. But I’m not, I constantly get shouted at , when my husband gets stressed he takes it out on me. I have accepted it for many years thinking of all the good he’s done responsibility wise, but as a husband, he will shout never ever apologise cos I end up getting upset get over it and be the one who says sorry, he had never ever said sorry, he’s putting me down more and more over the years , I feel worthless, useless, I finally stormed out of work 24 hours ago, I drove around for 5 hours then finally settled in a hotel, I know the family is still angry with me at home, I don’t want to go back, tonight is the second night in the hotel, it took him 20 hours to text or look for me and that is the kids texting me. He still think If I want. to go then go. He doesn’t care and he will not apologise, he’s very stubborn and he always manage to turn the tables round to say that I was irresponsible leaving the kids and not coming home , but I’ve not left home before, and I never go out, I don’t have friends, he was not worried one bit about me, finally when the kids text me to come home I burst into tears again. I cried myself out last night, today I feel exhausted. Ok rant over, it’s hard to explain the whole story . But reading how you wrote about waking depression explains exactly how I feel. I don’t want a second divorce I just want my husband to care,

    • Shaylin January 17, 2014, 1:16 pm

      I’m sorry that that happened….

  • Anna January 14, 2014, 1:13 am

    I’ve went through a few different phases in my life and assumed that was depression but it wasn’t until now, I realize the thing I am going through is in fact walking depression. I never knew that my ex bf, the man I still love, could have slowly put me in this state of mind. I never in my life thought about killing myself until this past yr when I attempted to end my life 3 different times, but I chickened out. Sometimes I am afraid of my own self and what I might do, I don’t want to cause pain to my family. Every small memory triggers me to cry and I know it’s not normal because it’s never happened to me before. I’m really afraid of what I may do one day .

  • Lisa January 14, 2014, 6:50 am

    According to this list of symptoms, the majority of my life would have been considered “Walking Depression.” Let me tell you, what’s described above is a cake walk compared to what happens if you endure massive losses, what professionals I’ve seen referred to as traumatic loss, while in a walking depressive state. I can’t describe it to the absolute mess it deserved but a doctor called it absolute hopelessness and that’s the closest anyone’s been able to get so far. If pressed, I wouldn’t say I feel dead. But I haven’t felt alive in over three years. The worst part is the rumor of “rock bottom.” Let me tell you something and remember this, always: no matter how low you get, no matter how much worse your life gets, it can always get worse. There’s always more to lose. Until one day you just don’t care anymore – about anything, really – and it doesn’t even bother you.

    • Lisa January 14, 2014, 6:52 am

      Be grateful for what you still have, and be grateful for what you don’t have. That’s the only way. There’s no other light.

  • Cindy January 14, 2014, 8:18 pm

    I want my response to be well thought out and intelligent.. but it’s all part of the fake it mentality i have adapted to over the past few years. I feel I don’t deserve to complain or to want for more in life. I have a lot to be grateful for. that should be enough. But I don’t even feel like the pursuit of anything happy (for me) is worth while. I always end up in the same place. I’m stuck where I am. I have responsibilities, I need to just do that, I make other people happy, do for them. But it’s not much fun, not fulfilling. To start anything again seems fruitless

  • Kaina January 16, 2014, 7:20 pm

    I can’t admit that I am depressed because I feel like I’m letting the people around me down. My life isn’t tragic or train wreak and I don’t know why I feel this way. I am filled with so much sadness and I don’t know what to do with it .Everything that I once loved, that gave me a sence of accomplishment and joy just doesn’t anymore. I just want to get away from this life that I am living now and start a new one but I don’t know how. I’m tired of being sad for no reason, I want to be the wonderwoman that I once was.

    • Kaina January 16, 2014, 7:26 pm

      I have joined a church and have just been trying to pray like they tell you to pray and be patient that god will help you but some times I just get to the point where I just want to say well who’s going to help me down here? I’m drrowning in these feelings and whenever I get the corage to talk to anyone about it, even my best freind, I feel like a huge bother and like I need to be happy for their sake to and just be happy and stop being such a downer

  • Shaylin January 17, 2014, 1:12 pm

    That’s me all right…. I’m a teen and that describes me perfectly…. I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now….. I wish that it was all over…. I can’t bare it any more!!!!

  • Brandi January 17, 2014, 8:38 pm

    I really think this is me. I have not seen a therapist for depression yet, but I’ve been increasingly feeling like I should. I think I’ve had a pattern of this kind depression for a long time and it has ebbed and flowed with the vibrancy my creative life. I try to fight it, blame it on this thing or that thing, but I know that there is something not right with me. Thanks for sharing this incite. It may be exactly what I need to get some help to feel better.

  • kim January 19, 2014, 2:39 pm

    This totally me. I’ve been like this since my first child. I would dream of packing and leaving my family every 2nd day. But never have but instead just keep going. Every night I have only a few hours of broken sleep. I had no help or support from family friends. My husband does help out but he doesn’t understand my feeling or what I’m going through. I’m very moody and would snap at the smallest thing especially with my husband.

  • Tami January 21, 2014, 6:58 am

    Never knew about this I just knew know matter how good things are going I never felt happy I never think of myself others are always first I feel selfish if I put my self first and I never want to go to sleep at night cause that is when I start to feel a little better I just keep going and going and smiling I’m a waitress I always sing that song to myself “and know body knows it but me”but at sometimes at home or work something small can happen and I will just fall apart start crying but I put myself back together tell my self I’m strong I just gotta keep going and pretending everything’s fine my husband worries much I can’t tell him I feel I guess I’m afraid he would try to get me to see a dr or something it felt good to let out here

  • BrendaG4 January 24, 2014, 3:04 am

    It has a name. It’s called dysthymia or ” persistent depressive disorder”.

    • Leila February 15, 2014, 3:04 am

      I was just told I probably have persistent depressive disorder, and this article described me to a t. Was encouraged to take antidepressants, but am reluctant, don’t know why, guess I think I can beat this myself if I try hard enough.

      • Sarah March 5, 2014, 11:26 am

        I was really strongly anti-medication until I reached rock bottom after years of depression. I finally gave in and tried something and it helped so much for about a year, I was so happy and highly productive. If you find one that works for your physiology it can be a huge help.

        Unfortunately mine no longer works for me, but I would definitely still recommend them.

  • Sabrina January 25, 2014, 8:58 pm

    I never knew something like walking depression existed, but after reading this, I realize i’m going through it… I’m 19 and felt like this since middle school. I go through periods of where I just don’t care anymore and wonder if there’s a point to life… I feel as though I’m just wasting air sometimes. I probably won’t amount to anything, I mean… I can’t even get a job to help out my mom with some of the bills or when things, or cars, around the house break. I’m an introvert and I also think I have some kind of anxiety problem because I always worry and feel like the worst will happen, even over the smallest things, but I still go out when I have to. For years I’ve kept up an act about always being calm, okay and smiley because I don’t want to be thought of as such a downer. But when I’m home, I only show how I really feel to my mom, which got me the nickname of cloud of gloom. Not much seems fun anymore either… I feel as though I’ve lost some of my emotions when I started going to middle school, which had to be one of the worst times of my life (was an outcast, disliked for no reason, one of the weird, quiet kids… luckily high school was kind of better). And during that time (along with when I was little) there were lots of arguments at home… my parents don’t love each other. They’re still together, but there’s not as much arguments as before… they both always talk about each other behind their backs though. And my dad said that if it wasn’t for my bro and I, he would have left a long time ago. He doesn’t want us to feel like he did cause his parents were divorced, but… I sometimes wonder if a divorce would have been for the best. We wouldn’t have been exposed to all of the arguments, and when I was little my bro use to blame me for them (he’s older than me and we both still live at home). I don’t feel much excitement or happiness from things that use to give me them. Energy is low from crying… like now. I often think about the past and focus on the negative… I write stories, draw, play music, and do taekwondo. Doing these things helps for a little while, but once I stop… the pessimistic thoughts and feelings return…

  • Nichole January 26, 2014, 10:43 am

    I copied this link and sent it to my doctor. I am 28 years old. I have been able to move from my country (Puerto Rico) with 20 dollars under my name and 3,000 from my parents and made a life for myself in Miami. I have a BA in graphic design and regardless of my young age I have 11 years experience in Advertising, Design, Marketing and Sales. I have worked my butt off.

    I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression at the age of 17. I make every day happen, I push until everything is done, and everyone is happy. Even if I am left thinking, but what about me?

    However, tomorrow I am giving my 2 weeks noticed at my current Marketing Coodinator job because of a hostile work environment that never was resolved. Part of being creative is that you are considered “emotional” and no one takes your complaints any serious.

    This article describes how Im feeling perfectly. I would like to thank you for posting this, it really has helped me a lot!

    Nichole

  • Lucy January 28, 2014, 10:45 am

    Hiya. Good article. I feel my whole life has been a walking depression (interspersed with other depressions) . At 30 years old, I am just now realising I need to do art properly for my own mental health, so Im going to do an Art A level at college. Looking forward to reading your other articles. Lucy.

  • Nikki January 29, 2014, 11:15 am

    After nearly a year of feeling like this, it was so good to recognise myself in someone else’s words. I keep trying to ‘pull myself together’ but it doesn’t get any better. I tried to reach out to my GP who thought I was ‘just’ menopausal. I feel so isolated and lonely and yet have a loving family which makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I knew a way forward.

  • Noh January 30, 2014, 1:28 pm

    I am not obese but I am overweight. I have been sad for years now, and I never get to share this to my family. My mother would always criticize the way I look— she would tell me how fat I am or that I need to lose weight whenever we’re eating. When I cry at night, my eyes would be swollen the morning after. When she noticed this, she would say why do you look sad and would immediately follow it up with a fat joke, and how I look like a drug addict because my eyes are darkened or swollen. She would also insist I look very, very ugly. When I walk out silently, she would then tease me how oversensitive I am with jokes, and would now tease me to how sensitive I am.

    I have been sad for so many years now, but in a third world country like where we live, issues like this remain taboo. When I voice out my condition to how sad I am and how sometimes I want to feel like dying, my mom would be extremely angry at me. I wish it would be easier here to reach out to someone for help. It’s also very hard for me to share to anyone how I feel, considering that I grew up with a mother like mine who would shot me down with her words every time I would try to even have a decent conversation other than news about celebrities or other trivial things. When the conversation becomes personal, it goes downhill.

    Most depressed people are forced to put up a front because depression or any form of mental illness is still a taboo. Ignorance is not a bliss.

  • Syazana February 2, 2014, 6:43 am

    I want to be okay. I’m only turning and life feels like it’s not going any further than this. Yet the only thing that draws me back from doing anything ridiculous is faith. I can never give up. So the walk never ends.. I’m not happy but I can manage.

    That’s my life.
    Though once I graduated everything changes. The life I was so used to is gone and now everything feels plausible. Home. Home. Home. Computer. Computer. Computer.

    My family isn’t helping too. The way they ridicule me for being too slow, too dumb, too this too that. And then they mentioned about death so easily. They have no idea I’m a depressed little child because I can’t even tell my mother I’m not pleasant.

    I need meds. I need to scream. I need to just… be happy again. Anything.

    • Syazana February 2, 2014, 6:44 am

      18. I’m only turning 18.

  • Linda February 3, 2014, 5:19 am

    yes I see myself here too walking depressed … carrying on looking after my children but not much else is in my life and I can’t summon the energy to change it. I have no energy for anything much and I fear that I am damaging my children they have already been damaged enough by their father leaving us … that is what this is all about I know and I can’t seem to get past it and move forward … its been 4 years like this now and it doesn’t get any easier. Ask anyone how I am and they will say I am doing good, even thriving … but they don’t know really … they only see the mask when I go out and that is so rarely. They don’t know. I don’t know what to do about it either, there seems no solution. It will be my life until the end. It is such a waste. I am so sad.

  • Ann Cheryl February 4, 2014, 9:50 pm

    This article resonates with me. I have my own little room, equipped with 2 tables, pen, paper, candles for scent and relaxation,an mp3 player with speaker, loads of books (especially reference books) but I am stalled. Totally. I have only been able to sit in my room at my desk and write two days out of the last 7. I’m a two-time dropout from art school, an “empty-nester” and currently on disability. My own worst enemy is myself because I’m afraid to begin because I’m afraid to fail. I wish there was a magic pill that I could take that would give me a jump start.

  • dA February 5, 2014, 1:03 am

    superwoman??!

    …i’m a man

  • Chas February 5, 2014, 8:23 pm

    This is me. I know I have depression but most of the time it is managed by my medication and talk therapy. I haven’t been to talk therapy in a while (I have an appt next week) but this is ME. I tried explaining this to my husband, and though he is compassionate I don’t think he fully understands. And I know my unhappiness really hampers our relationship. I’d tell my husband I’m just not happy. Nothing is wrong and I can’t explain it……well……this does explain it. Thank you.

  • Lawanda Tillman February 8, 2014, 3:29 pm

    Oh my Lord, reading this has brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I feel like somone out there know me and understand some of what i been going through. I just wish i had someone i could sit down with to vent to and come up with a solution to better myself. Thank you and please continue to send me info.

  • D Annacone February 8, 2014, 3:33 pm

    Did you hit this nail on the head…..
    I am an artist, but lately cannot get into my work at all. I live with my children and my husband – because I am ill and know that I only have a year or so left to live. I thought it would be nice to know there were people around to take care of me and to take care of my husband when I am gone. It has not turned out to be the case. I am now taking care of my children and 3 dogs and spending way too much time by myself. I have spent my life doing everything for others – showing myself what a really good person I am… always putting me at the back of the line. The problem is I am getting too tired and I’m not up to getting myself out of this sadness I am in. I could go on… but won’t.

  • thanks February 11, 2014, 6:38 pm

    I wish I could fully accept that I am exactly what you described, but I just wipe away the single tear, feel accepted for a minute, and then go on being destructive.
    The problem is not that I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s that I don’t know how to realistically stop working in all the wrong ways.

    But thank you so much for this.
    & I am trying really hard.

  • Nic February 12, 2014, 7:28 am

    OH MY GOD! this is how I feel, this rung so true. It was like a description of me, walking depressed, I put on this brave front and try to do what I have to do, and I work so hard and try so hard, especially for my children, but going from one failed business to temporary badly paid job isn’t doing it anymore, I feel useless, incapable, unemployable, but I seem to put this brave face on this fake attitude. All iv’e ever wanted to do is paint and make music, and everyone has always said, ‘have something to fall back on ‘ the most useless advice in the world. Im 34 years old and I think my children and partner would be better of without me, I think and feel that I don’t belong and i’m unwanted, until my little girl smiles and says she’s loves me, that’s all that keeps me oing, if it weren’t for my kids i’d be dead, and i’m not sure how long that';s gonna cut it, help me someone please.

  • Haidee February 12, 2014, 5:47 pm

    Yes, this is me. Day in, day out. My pride is leaving me in a rut. I live in a small town and I am fairly well known as a strong willed, sportswoman that grabs the bull by the horns. I know I’m depressed but I am waaay to proud to let others know or even help me. I’m in a real rut.

  • Heather February 16, 2014, 4:06 pm

    I have never related to anything I have read more. I balled my eyes out reading this because I felt so much less alone. I can’t even a remember a time when I didn’t feel like I was putting on my happy face for everyone and being miserable by myself. thank you for putting this out there and making me feel slightly less guilty for feeling the way I do.

  • Anastacia Brie February 18, 2014, 9:28 pm

    I have considered myself a “coping depressive” much like most of my family, who are coping alcoholics. No one outside of the family would even know there is anything wrong. But inside my own head, there is such dysfunction. I don’t think I have been happy for over 35 years, even though those people closest to me would say I was a happy, people-orientated person. I don’t understand how I can fool them for so long – I actually watch movies to see how people interact – for clues how to be a good listener and conversationalist. How sad is that? Just to mask the fact that I can’t stand life, and it is painful to wake up most days. And recently I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. A perfect excuse to be depressed, and I am searching for reasons to be happy and optimistic – just to deflect others. I just don’t get it. Am I actively trying to be depressed – to isolate and separate myself from others – or is there an organic reason for my depression? I have tried a couple of different anti-depressants, but I did not feel or act any different. In fact I resent the idea that the medical establishment resorts to pills to cure my skewed viewpoint. Or am I so skewed that I can’t see my own problems. Good grief, this circular argument could go on forever, and in my head, it tends to!

    Anyway, I was happy to see this type of website and that there are others who have similar viewpoints. I am currently trying to find some support for my cancer, but right now it consists of me calling various cancer survivors to get their viewpoint. While this could be informative, it may not connect with all of my symptoms.

    Thanks and take care, Staci

  • Sbee February 19, 2014, 10:18 pm

    This is exactly me…feels more like the walking dead sometimes. I am married with two beautiful daughters. I have every reason in the world to be happy. My kids are healthy, we have a beautiful home and I am this super mom. I have an extremely succesful and lucrative career. My husband and I get along…and so it goes. But I struggle to think of a single day where I can truly say that I feel happy. I mean REALLY happy. The truth is, I hate working…clocking in and out of a company. I thought maybe it was my job…and so it went that I went from one job to a better and bigger job. I realise that I dont like any job. I feel as though I am merely existing and not really living. And becasue of my frustration I often snap at my kids and husband. That’s not fair….I would like to run my own business, manage my own time, plan my own work day. Leave at whatever time i feel like so that I can go home and cook for my kids, fetch them at school, be 100% energised and ready to help them with their homework. Have time for myself (like going to gym)..have more energy and time for my husband. His salary is just not enough to carry us, so I take it upon myself to fix the situation. My family are now accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I believe I can still provide it, without it being as taxing on my spirit and soul as it is now. I want to have time to pray during the day. Its time for me to start living. I watched a docu about Steve Jobs….Its so true. He said there came a point in his life where he woke up every morning and said ” Do i have to go to that place again and do what I’ve been doing all these years…again?” Its time to start living…whatever that means for ech of us…without compromising anything or anyone. I belive it can be done. Its a hard journey and it feels risky (and I have never been one with a big risk appetite)…but it might be worth it?

  • Vikings Fan February 22, 2014, 1:14 am

    My eyes enlarged to the size of basketballs, this article, it was perfect. it painted the masterpiece picture my brain and mouth couldnt even choose the paint for. its like i never wanted conformation but this…this is me. It started early for me, middle school i guess, felt empty alone angry, i was always trying to fit in. I had multiple friends but as high school arrived i had a chance to join one of the popular crews, joined an left my old ones. i did what they did, they smoked cigs, an partied an drank, big deal? everyone did it right?i have always had anger built up inside me, i was terribly anxious around girls, drinkin solves that right? i was the quiet guy in the group, but i dont know why i ALWAYS had a need to impress them, drink/solved they laugh. fast foward-we are all 22-24, when work is over we congregate nightly, drink til passout, wake up an restart the cycle. meet a girl, my lovely girlfriend i still somehow how have, im anxious, drink, solved…im relaxed it worked! wrong…drinkdaily while seeing her, well great man congrats!ya got a great girlfriend, but by your 2nd anniversery youre a functioning closet alcoholic! you wake up by downing a .375 by 10am everyday an it barely impairs you driving a 12 ton truck. Father divorces, moves 1800 miles away, mother sister an I are crushed. sister tries drinking herself under, thankfully fails at .45, treatment and sober 3 yrs now, ok by my(our) 3rd annivery its almost a 1.75 a day, pissed off all day incoherent at night, memory worse than a squirrels with acorn placement, drove all the time like an idiot, but never out of control, i was coherant enough to get home on my own 95% of the time. a cocky drunk fool alike those who have killed innocents in the past, one terrible night i had words with my girlfriend, fight, leave, i stay drink 4-5 shots go home, cops wake me up outside car shirt off shoes off tellin the cops that my first name IS my address, blow .34 go to jail…i am garbage, i waste space, air, water, food…i am the garbage that garbage produces…list goes on, the only single time that ending my life sounded reasonable, get released 11am so mad at myself, get annhilated again, play softball that night, collision, boom forearm looks like a spaghetti string. A long worthless story but its been 18 months since i drank, i feel okay some days but others make me wonder why i stopped. after allowing booze to ruin years of my life i still am lost, bored, zero ambition to better myself, as if im waiting to grow old and die, thoughts of depression i thought were produced by the 3 year downward spiral bender mixed with a cold turkey soberiety, then it clicked ive felt this way before… i was in middle school.

  • Vikings Fan February 22, 2014, 1:22 am

    ^ am now 26 yrs old, after reading this walking article an appointment will be made tomorrow with a professional, thank you

  • Rochelle February 22, 2014, 4:17 am

    Thank you.

  • Samantha February 23, 2014, 12:52 pm

    This is so frighteningly accurate. Especially the part about feeling too presumptuous to consider myself depressed when others are worse off. Sometimes I think I can’t really be depressed because I’m still functional, even beyond the crushing unhappiness and the negative thoughts. And I keep telling myself that if it were really depression, someone would notice, but they haven’t, so it can’t be.

    Thank you for this article, I think I really, really needed to read it.

  • brenda February 26, 2014, 4:29 pm

    Iv’e just retired,thats what i thought i wanted at the time. I left a wonderful job, not payed much but it was an easy job. I’ve been home for two month’s & i’m bored out of my head. I use to go to the gym before work 6;30 meet my friend,then go to work 8-5. I’m 62 I’ve worked forever. I just became tired of it all. I thought i would get up work out at the house(i have exercise stuff) fill great about myself & NO CLOCKING IN,NO GETTING DRESSED, but I fill like i’m dead yet alive. I’m married, he’s retired too,all my kids are on there own.All i do all day is eat, play on the computer,watch tv & drink at nite I’ts 5;00 somewhere !!! I have no drive no energy, I;m waiting for me to snap out of this :(

  • Fran February 27, 2014, 4:22 am

    Oh my gosh, this is me.

    It’s just getting worse by the day, not sure what to do any more.

  • Megan February 27, 2014, 7:58 pm

    Yes, absolutely, most people don’t even realize I have depression. It took my mom two years for her to figure it out, although technically she didn’t even figure it out. I wrote her a note asking for help, but what I didn’t tell her was that if she didn’t believe me i was going to kill myself. Although I still have these thoughts I have people to talk to now about this.

  • cricket March 2, 2014, 12:16 pm

    Everything you speak of is currently true for me. I can read it once or a thousand times but i just don’t ever see this coming to an end. I have tried several things n i have given up. I cant even make a friend because i have forgotten how to be one. So i’l sit here like i do every weekend, in my bedroom alone waiting to go back to work .

  • kris March 3, 2014, 11:21 am

    Every since I was a child my entire life has been a sad, gloomy and unhappy life. I grew up with an everyday griping and bitter mother who could never be positive about anything. Everyday with her is hell. She can’t be satisfied. i pray to God and I’m still stuck. I hate me. Looking back at my life, I realize what a waste. I rather be dead than to keep living my life. I prayed for a husband so I wouldn’t keep sexually sinning and I prayed for a God-given child to devote my energy and give the love to that I yearn for. Why me? I wouldn’t trade my life to an enemy. So many regrets. I know I’m grown but I still hate my parents for making me. i was just a spite child and a sounding board. I feel empty everyday. i know that when I smile or laugh it’s not genuine. I feel like vanishing. There is no point in my life…

  • kris March 3, 2014, 11:29 am

    I pray to God and they say to listen and wait….how long? I have sinned so much I think God has turned His ear away from me. I just wish I had something to live for. The love I dish out is never returned. Sex is the only escape. I have never been loved and I don’t expect it. Pray only works for people whom God loves. The whole marriage and baby thing is for worthy people and I realize I am not worthy. I just don’t have the courage to prematurely leave the world. My chest feels tight most of the time and I sleep about 4-6 hours a day if that much. I usually cry myself to sleep just to start all over again. I eat sparingly. Food doesn’t taste good and is frankly pointless. Enough with sad Kris….who cares if i don’t? Funny how people are quick to judge you and preach but never see the hidden pain.

  • Sarah March 5, 2014, 11:22 am

    Ugh, this is how I feel. I wondered about being exhausted in the morning and wide awake at night, and this is the first explanation that has made sense. Now I’m wondering what to do… I’m already on medicine. I have tried switching, and the new one was so much worse, and being off my meds was a disaster that led to several months of barely functioning. I’m so ready to be over this.

    BTW, are the bands on the side of the page from an electrophoresis gel? It looks like a base pair ladder.

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  • Brian March 6, 2014, 7:10 am

    I did a simple search of “am I depressed” on Google and I found this post. I didn’t really think I was. I never thought I was the kind of person who could get depressed. I’m very social, an extrovert, and I never have problems speaking with people. But something has been wrong for almost a year now.

    A few sentences into your description of what it means to be one of the “walking depressed” I started to cry. I haven’t cried in years. Reading your description was like looking in a mirror.

    I know you wrote this a long time ago and you probably won’t see my comment… but if you do… I want to say thank you. Thank you for this post. You will never know how much it means to me.

    • NE May 31, 2014, 9:33 pm

      Your comment is exactly what happened to me. This describes me to a tee.

  • A.J. March 7, 2014, 2:54 am

    As I am sitting here reading this, I am crying like a baby!! This is so me!! With that being said, I have to admit its hard to accept! No matter how hard I try to pull myself to the top, I always find myself back at the bottom.

    • H May 1, 2014, 4:11 pm

      Snap. And it’s getting harder.

  • Liz March 7, 2014, 7:58 am

    Wow, so there are depressed people who are productive? While I lay in bed and binge eat all day feeling sorry for myself. This article only made me feel more depressed and makes me feel like even more of a loser…like even being depressed, I should/could be a productive person. Apparently I’m not only a crappy daughter, woman and individual, but I’m also a crappy depressed person too. Not sure how this article came up first in my search results, but I think Google needs to do some reindexing…

    • Joss September 1, 2014, 3:55 pm

      Liz,
      Please look up at some earlier comments expressing similar feelings about the article. The author actually replied to these comments explaining that she didn’t mean to belittle anyone’s condition, and that she did not intend to make anyone look better or worse. This is part of one of her responses:
      “I’ll going to take another look at the article and see if I can tweak it so it doesn’t give the impression that I think the walking depressed are better than anyone else. We’re not, we just manifest depression differently. And I want EVERYONE to get help for this awful condition.”

      -Joss

  • Jolanta March 7, 2014, 4:48 pm

    I am a walking depression. I’ve been feeling this way for 19 years. I didn’t know the name for it. I look forward to sleeping at night. However, I don’t look forward to a new day. I am menopausal and experiencing night sweats. It’s horrible this feeling of sweating and then becoming chilled and finally falling back to sleep. I don’t awake refreshed but groggy. Wondering why I need to wake up. I get up and begin my day by brushing my teeth and hair. Making a pot of coffee for me and my daughter. Trying desperately not to show my true feelings in the morning to my daughter and husband. Unfortunately, I am miserable since I am 56 years old, unemployed, and fixing up a condo apartment that was left in a total mess. I’m no longer excited about the prospect of the condo apartment. The novelty has worn off since I found out that I can hear my male neighbor downstairs. The male neighbor depresses me more since we don’t get along because of his loud acid/very, very hard rock and roll music. Every time he plays that music my heart races and I can’t fall asleep. My husband experiences the same type of symptoms as I do and he becomes angry about the purchase of this condo apartment. We no longer look forward to hanging pictures on the wall, purchasing new living room furniture, and adding other bits and pieces that we would like. My daughter has lost interest too about this purchase. I had foresight about the purchase of this condo apartment that kept gnawing at me and I would tell my husband about it. He dismissed it as nerves and said it will be better than living in the mobile home. However, we didn’t have a noisy male neighbor who has little and no respect for his neighbors above. He and his children need to have the music and TV playing loud 24/7 when they visit him on the weekend. We have called the police, however, he has outsmarted the police and we ended up looking like the bad people who have the problem. So much so that the police are charging us for false alarm calling. I am so depressed. My husband is upset, however, he seems to weather the storm better than I do. I meditate daily so much so that it’s becoming boring and mundane. I walk three to four miles everyday to shake this feeling. Sometimes the walking helps while other times I feel lost, lonely, and not a place to call home. Thank you for listening. I wish everyone happiness and wellness that experiences depression. Every day is a monkey on ones back.

  • Ali March 9, 2014, 2:58 pm

    I am so glad I found you. I fit all the signs of a walking depression. I pretty much go through each day just trying to function normally. Like you for some reason mornings are awful but by the evening I feel somewhat better. I can never figure why this is. I am determined to move on and find a better place and purpose (a major cause of me feeling depressed, I often feel I have no purpose). Thanks for your enlightenment.
    Ali xx

  • andrea March 10, 2014, 8:03 am

    I never thought or being depress was my problem or not be able to be happy. Until I read this article I realize I’m been happy and depress for years….

  • Ronnie March 11, 2014, 3:20 am

    I can relate to this article I worked in a company that I believe had sick Building Syndrome and it was getting me down as I was good at my job but with the chest infections that I kept getting I began to be very fearful of losing my job. Eventually I did through accumulative days off. I felt totally worthless and a waste of time as a person. Although I kept busy and gained qualifications whilst I was searching for a new job financially I had to go for jobs that I felt weren’t using the skills I had learned. I feel depressed because for all the effort I have put in to improve myself I feel it has all been thrown back in my face.

    Since I left the company that was making me sick my health has improved dramatically (I even tried changing my contraception which has helped) and I don’t have the annual winter hospital visits but the mantra I keep getting is ‘at least you have a job’ really upsets me and I don’t feel valued at all and financially only fractionally better than when I as unemployed. I feel I have so much to offer but I don’t know what to do any more.

    So now I’m fitter and healthier but still stuck in a rut of trying for more suitable jobs. . Unable to afford much and trying to avoid the debt drain. It is affecting my relationship and everyone around me. I have considered Al anon as my partner is an alcoholic (But dry I am pleased to say for several months now) but none of the meetings suit me timewise. I feel I should give up and walk out on everything and everyone but I know that would not be a wise choice.

  • Andrea Lynne Cory March 13, 2014, 6:20 pm

    I can barely leave my bed. It’s been 13 years since my husbands death raising 5 children 3 moves a dad with cancer many many things. And now I just went to bed. I’m very worried. I don’t even bathe. Brush my teeth. I just don’t care. Like all at once.

  • Neeta March 13, 2014, 7:45 pm

    I came across this article and was shocked to see that over 95% of it applies to me. I have identified that I suffer from this type as depression and while feeling so low everyday I force myself to carry on working and looking after others. I just don’t want to let myself down as my sense of responsibility is too high. I have been like this for over 4 years now and no matter how much I keep going that sad empty feeling is always inside and I just can’t seem to be happy or able to relax!

  • Bonnie March 13, 2014, 9:22 pm

    I’m only 20 and I feel very unhappy and I feel like this most of the time but I don’t know ho to Change it and make myself happy or wake me up from this .

  • Amber March 14, 2014, 8:41 am

    I relate to this on so many levels. This description is my life. Somedays, with plenty of coffee and vitamin D, I can feel great but it seems those days are becoming much more sparse. I was on medication about 10 yrs ago and it made things worse so I have not admitted to depression in fear of going down that road again. Plus, though I despise it, my family of 6 as well as my full time job greatly relies on me so I don’t feel I have the time to focus on myself… So for now I will just read some more of these comments and know I am not alone. And so I keep “walking” until I figure out a way to help myself on my own

  • box March 21, 2014, 12:13 pm

    Hi I am 25 years old, I think I have been suffering with depression for many years now, I find it difficult to make friends, hardly talk to my family knowing they love me, i keep my self to my self. everything i do i tend to fail in. every time i try to find work no one gives me a chance its like they can see right through me. this is the first time im writing about depression and finding it a little weird, I feel so low at times especially in the evenings, and i dont want to feel like this no more.

  • Alex March 22, 2014, 7:59 pm

    This is me to a tee ,I am at a point wear I feel that their is no meaning to anything I do ,I feel that I need to find something more meaningful to do with my life ,I have given so much of myself to please others and never take time for myself ,or get anything to make me happy .I let people tell me that this is what we are going to do ,when we are going to do it ,and how it will be done .now I am crushed lifeless and asking why do I do this and when will life treat me for all of my hard work .I can’t talk to those around me I feel alone even though I am around the ones that are spouse to be my family. I am in great internal pain ,need to feel that their is someone their for me ,when will the pain go away I work all the time and feel great pressure on my days off

    • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 1:09 am

      I take care of my mom sister and son on a daily basis. I have no break or time for me. Nobody asks me how i feel. I am lost depressed and feel worthless. I have been like this since i was 15. I don’t sleep. Tried everything. I understand

  • Kat March 23, 2014, 1:29 pm

    Thank you

  • Josh Petry March 23, 2014, 8:11 pm

    Little did I know a simple google search of “why am I so unhappy” would lead to something so true within my own life… I intend to read more of your work and hopefully find some help in my problem

  • Veronica March 24, 2014, 7:05 pm

    Today was one of those depressing, weepy days. I could relate to everything you all wrote. I’ve been diagnosed with overactive thyroid, and have done a lot of research (I usually despise conventional medicine and doctors, so always looking for natural cures and herbs, etc.). I also have adrenal fatigue and am starting menopause. Yikes!

    Perhaps some of you out there have hormonal issues, as well…those will really mess with your mind! Depression can be caused (at least in part) by hormonal or chemical imbalances.

    Do some research…and (my recommendation)…stay away from the conventional docs!

    Stress will wreak havoc, too, and I’ve had my share of that over the past several years. Almost constant. Looking over my life I realize through all this I’ve been finding my authentic self. Now I have to get to a point of feeling well, so I can take some REAL action.

    Plans are in the works, but some days I just want to go hide away like a hermit. But on the good days my boyfriend and I are planning on moving out of the country and starting the second half of our lives (he’s 57 and I’m 47). Trying to take good care of myself and heal physically, as well as emotionally, so I can feel consistently more energetic to take the necessary actions.

    However, there are still lots of days when I’m not “producing,” that I ask myself, “What’s it all for?”

    My best to all of you and thanks for sharing and allowing me to do the same!

    “This, too, shall pass.”

    Veronica

  • Michelle March 25, 2014, 11:12 am

    I’ve never considered depression through the creative persons’ lens. Very interesting. Very helpful, too. I’m in this weird position that my partner lost her mom recently and I’m the one who’s so upset. Meanwhile – I never even met her mom bit it’s been a tough few months of clearing out her house and an all-consuming event, every weekend for a couple of months. I’m a photographer and film maker and I miss doing that type of work in my free time. I mean, I’m a photographer and videographer during the day, too, for the apparel industry but I miss working on my personal projects and fear that if I take some time for myself, I’m not being there for my partner. But I realize that I over extended myself over the last few months and now I’m a bit of a wreck – not a good partner at all! Anyway, nice article. thank you!

  • BB March 26, 2014, 11:29 pm

    You perfectly described me.

    I sit in front of my desk hours on end, working on my novel. Ideas come, but there’s no color in my writing. It’s gone. And I feel like I’m making little to no progress. My concentration is also bad–I often can’t fully engage in the story. If I encounter a plot problem or clunky dialogue, I often mentally check out instead of working on a solution.

    I’ve been a professional writer for many years, so I have a measure of confidence in my ability, but after I published my first novel two years ago, I got little to no support, from family and friends. Most of them ignored it. That, in addition to the crushing physical depression I suffer, weighs heavily on me as I work on book two and three in the series. They’re both currently in the rough draft stage and have been open on my computer since November.

    Tonight, a little voice kept telling me: “Do you really think you’re a writer?”

    My depression is also often worse in the morning. I think it’s hormonal. Mine became all the worse after a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy four years ago. I also have sleep apnea, and that causes depression, because it too affects the hormones, which alters the brain chemistry. I currently have a wedge pillow, and if I stay on it all night, I feel a little better in the morning. I’ve not been able to talk myself into a sleep study. Maybe this summer.

  • My Info March 31, 2014, 2:16 am

    I just reaLized how desperately depressed I actually am. My God. I thought this was just a sadness but this has made me realize how much worse it is than that. I’ll be leaving my boyfriend asap and taKing less responsibility immediately. Thank you for this epiphany!!!!

  • Erika Romero March 31, 2014, 5:46 pm

    I just came across this googling why I’ve been crying so much. I don’t think I’ve had one day this week where I don’t cry, where I don’t hate myself, where I feel like giving up, where I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m worthless, like I am the worst I could be, like I don’t deserve some people in my life. Please please please I ask you in tears to at least tell me if these are signs of depression. I don’t feel like quiting because I can be very determined in schoolwork but I suffer from anxiety attacks too & they have increased and visited more frequently and ever since I got one in class it’s not the same because I know right when I show up to class again my brain will start pumping adrenaline for the fight or flight and my anxiety will kick in. I no longer do my work in that class & I used to be a top student in that class. I just want to know what is wrong with me why do I have to be like this. I don’t tell anyone but my boyfriend and it’s so difficult. Today in tears himself he told me I have become distant. Please I beg you help me please. I connect to these 10 signs but I don’t want to digo nose myself with something I read on the internet. I thank you in advance & forgive me if this seems like I just want sympathy from others. I promise you I don’t I just want help.

  • Pamela Rylah April 1, 2014, 12:34 am

    Wow as soon as I started to read this ..it all made sense and tears started streaming down my face . I keep telling myself I have so much to be grateful for and I do..so how dare I be un happy .but I am ..all I want is too be loved ( I am by my friends ) but I lost my partner 9 yrs ago ..and have had one relationship since ..but it ended ..and am so lonely even though Im surrounded by people I feel alone Thanks Pamela

  • biff April 1, 2014, 1:50 pm

    Im still here.

    I dont know how or why. I live in a constant state of shame, because Im a shitty mum. I dont play with my son as much as I should. I do a lot of cleaning and house running and I should make more time with him. I dont know if its the post natal depression or just because Im an asshole.
    When will this nightmare end. Who am I.

  • Beth April 2, 2014, 7:44 pm

    I have suffered for at least 30 years. I have seen countless therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, multiple medications and times when I get a little better. It seems there is always something that rocks my world that brings it all crashing down on me again. It would take a book to tell all, but to name a few: a husband that was a tyrant (this is where it all began), a husband that hung himself in my attic and left me a note to find him, a daughter who was sick from the time she was 10 years old and died July 2013 at age 34 (unexpectedly)…..well, you get the picture. It never seems to stop for very long. I found this website today when I googled. “HELP, I’m depressed.” I appreciate what I have read so far. I’m still a work in progress and I’m 58 years old. I’m so tired of being so sad.

  • Casey April 5, 2014, 6:39 pm

    It is very difficult to read this article. This is something I have long referred to as “Choleric Depression”, based on the old “Four Humors” personality guide. While Melancholic Depression would be what is expected for people to experience in depression, and what you’d find on most websites, Choleric Depression looks completely different. We work because we can’t do anything else. Our drive is still there; work is all we know. But it’s lost it’s enjoyment. I’ve tried to explain this to my friends several times only to feel at a loss when they say, “but you’re doing fine – don’t worry.” But I know better. My creativity is shot. I only feel like myself after massive amount of caffeine. And when I’m alone – it’s completely different than the quiet solitude I used to enjoy. Reading this article makes me feel like this is something real and that I’m not just imagining is. It is profound unhappiness. I look forward to reading more articles – I gotta keep busy, but you know that.

    • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:19 pm

      “Dont worry, you’re fine”…how would they know? They’re not you. “friends’ like that like to minimize you that way, just showing they’re not interested in a problem they cant see. what they really mean is “I dont see anything, dont really care” … pisses me off no end. When you’re miserable and empty, the ignorance of others is no help. (Pure experience) With that, tho, My one advice: never forget to be your own friend. You know what you want (well, most of the time: I’m runnin’ empty atm, it’s why I’m here) Last note-I know what you mean of the difference of quiet solitude and real lonliness…one is secure, the other bleak. You do not “imagine” your moods. They exist. And I wish you hope. Life’s big, life’s short…

  • Olly April 5, 2014, 10:00 pm

    It’s hard to say exactly how long I’ve lived with depression overshadowing and frankly, crippling my life. I’m 25 now and I know I should feel like my life is only just beginning, but I live each and every single day wishing it was near it’s end. I’ve felt this way since being around 15 – I feel bound by a sense of duty to others so strongly though.
    It’s so damned hard maintaining a “happy” facade during every waking moment. I’ve got it off to a fine art now, but to what cost? A friend and colleague recently said to me “Olly, you’re always so happy all the time” – I was screaming and screaming inside. I wanted to break down and just weep and weep, which is what I did in the cubicle at work.
    It’s so endearing to find that I’m not alone in this feeling; I just wonder how long I will be able to sustain maintaining a happy and productive front when I feel like my world is collapsing at my feet – because there’s one thing for certain, as soon as the will to do so is gone, I genuinely feel that there will be nothing left. And this; this, is my greatest fear of all.

    • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:35 pm

      Yowtch! If you’re literally being lauded for being a phony, you’re in the Worst job possible…and I’ve served in walmart (past tense: had a meltdown and walked off the job.). same story, really…I mean it; get another job as soon as you can! That just keeps resonating with me when y’said “I was screaming and screaming inside when..” There is a sharp difference between Integrity and Insincerity. between dedication and martyrdom. Take the first exit back to your well-being…it’s out there somewhere.

  • Isabel Krohn April 5, 2014, 11:00 pm

    So when you say “creatives”, who would that apply to?
    I feel exactly the way you described, but I’m not sure if this refering to me.
    It would help me out so much if I would be able to fully understand why i feel the way I do.
    Thank you

  • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:00 pm

    I’ve put a lot of effort into getting even just a functional life together..but I wake up every morning with this nagging Dread that “something’s wrong” like I’ve done something horrible, or missed something..over and over I think: “what did I do? what did I miss?”….and…Nothing!!! Still Miserable. So, now, as I begin into my 40’s and I havent toughened up like everyone else well,…now I’m literally scared of feeling like this for the rest of my life. Trying to get out. Trying to do things, meet people…but I’m walking dead, and cant summon my best when i need it. Guh.

  • Elizabeth April 7, 2014, 3:22 pm

    I can’t stop crying. Just can’t figure out why I am so unhappy

    • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 1:04 am

      I feel your pain. I cry every night. I feel so alone

  • Sara Stanton April 7, 2014, 4:08 pm

    I found this post today when making a joke to myself after I did dropped my teenager at school and was on my way back get my younger boys ready and to school then myself to work…on time. I know I have depression but I never fit the stereotypical images you see so I thought “people have pneumonia and then there is walking pneumonia so I have depression but I am semi-functional so I am the walking depressed.” When I got home I googled those words and found my way here.

    I don’t know how to get out of this. The last year has been stressful and it used to be I would have random days of depression and I would just hang out in bed with a book and be fine. But the last few months have become so hard as I am dealing with my mother who has dementia that I am slipping further into my depression. I still get up and go to work yet mornings are so very hard for me. My anxiety level is through the roof and I find myself not caring about my appearance anymore. I can’t seem to care. I have gained 20+lbs in the last year and I had maintained my weight after my last child was born. I was so proud of losing that weight and then keeping it off. Now? I barely eat and the pounds add up. I have read numerous books but none are what they used to be. I am a voracious reader and lately, the books are less and less what I need. Life is less and less what I need. I am not suicidal but I find very little joy in life. I try to disguise that with humor and sometimes I do laugh but the overall feeling of my day is not happy. It’s lost. It’s out of control and it’s dark.

    I am trying hard to force myself to do the things I need to do for myself but I feel so guilty about taking more time away from my sons and my husband. I already work 9hr days and get home almost 4hrs after the rest of my family so how can I take more time away from them to go out and walk the dogs each for a total of 45 minutes? How can I be that selfish? And yet I know I need that time for me but I cannot make myself do it on a daily basis? What kind of mother and wife does that make me? I could stay up late and get in some exercise but then I am up late and I don’t get enough sleep. I know morning would be ideal to get a walk or something in but mornings are beyond hard and exhausting for me.

    It’s a never ending cycle. I can’t stop and I don’t know how to stop it without asking for help but when you are supposed to be the strong one, how can you?

    I was not intending that to come out but there it is. Thank you so much for this post. It has made me more aware of my situation and knowing I can own my depression without being pigeon holed is amazing and terrifying at the same time.

  • Not my real name April 9, 2014, 10:15 pm

    Well, this is me. Not much to add. I can’t stand my job any more and I actually have a lot of money saved and I wouldn’t even have to work for a couple years, but the problem is I’d never be able to get hired again since I’m an “old hag” at 45. And my clingy, needy mother who I live with (basically so she can remain living in her childhood home via my rent money that I pay her) would just make my not having a job be all about her.

    I have just given up on people. I don’t see other people as any source of help. It’s pointless to ask them for anything, they just ignore you or cry about their own problems. I decided not to give in to the resentment and hatred of people; I hate “God” instead. I had an epiphany one day it was very windy and the house was rattling and I thought “well, there’s something I can rely on – something with authority – Death.” People may reject you, but death always wants you as you are. Oddly once I declared myself dead in my mind, I was able to focus on my art and accomplish things. I will never be a pro artist because I hate comic books which are all in fashion, and I can’t leave my small town without my needy mom clinging to my legs, but I intend to auger in with style. I’m already dead, no need to slit my wrists. I am getting farther and farther away from this hopeless world, ironically while actually selling art and gaining fans (the only people I genuinely want to please any more).

    But that said, if I was diagnosed with cancer I don’t think I’d pursue treatment too hard. At least dying would finally get me out of my awful day job and nobody could guilt-trip me about it. There is no one, no one in my life who is capable of hearing about the real me and how dead I feel. They are too immature and/or wrapped up in their own problems to care, and I long ago learned that nothing I can do or say will make their lives better. No one around me in the “real” world cares for me or needs me personally (just slave duty).

    So, my advice to all: Declare yourselves dead. Desensitize yourselves to a broken life that doesn’t work. You are dying, spend this time gracefully. Death wants YOU personally. It’s a good thing.

  • Lori April 11, 2014, 12:19 pm

    WOW!!! Now I can see what is meant by ‘the truth hurts’! That sounds like a picture of me. Now I am trying to start my days with a quote by Bob Marley, “Keep calm and make way for a positive day!” So far it seems to be helping me a little, I still have to work at stuff but every little bit does help.

  • Kelli Van Der Nest April 11, 2014, 7:53 pm

    I think this is me. Many many strange things along the way. Mother left for lesion partner, lived away in another country, father worked or drank. Had twould siblingsto look after from 12. Father remarried twice. Did not finish school, college or the degree I took on. Had two kids with a man with bipolar!! Both children suffer with anxiety related issues!! Married an abusive, womaniser. Have never been out of work but never stuck a job for more than 4 years since having my children who are now 16 and 11. I once told my doctor I was depressed, he responded with “your too highly strung “. So off I went about my business until a mental health screening at a hospital for rheumatology!!! . Oh I failed to add I have a couple of autoimmune diseases, fibromyalgia and some problems with joints not associated with the autoimmune. But merely I work full time, take care of all that need looking after and go about my business. My psychiatrist who diagnosed high functioning depression only last month believes I am beyond pills for depression or a gastric band for the 100lb weight gain! (steroids for autoimmune don’t help!). I only contemplate suicide once a few years back but have days where I think death a saving grace for those around me! I once had enjoyment in life! Before men and children. I had horses…..but no more. Life affords no such fun. But this is me. I am definitely the walking depressed!!

  • lianne April 13, 2014, 1:20 pm

    Hello, just read most all of the comments……found this site by googeling “why am I so sad and cry all of the time?” Yes, I can relate to most every one that has commented. I have felt different, and sad for as long as I can remember….3-4 yrs old I think. I’m 62 yrs old now…..its gotten steadily worse it seems. I dropped out of high school middle of my senior year, giving up an art scholarship. Mom had me admitted to the mental ward at mn. university hospital, where at age 18 I was diagnosed with depression. After 3 months of extensive testing, group,and one on one therapy, I was feeling much better so I was released and told that I had an above average I Q, they didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that I should just go out and live my life. Great huh? Since then, I’ve been through many therapists, 4 treatment centers for addiction, many failed relationships,and many jobs. Not to mention all of the medications that maybe helped for awhile but not really. I have found this web site to be very helpful in that I don’t feel so terribly alone….thank you all for sharing your truths. I am currently on oxycodone for severe arthritic and back pain….and am thinking that it is making the depression much worse, so am going to try getting off the pain meds for awhile to see if it gets better. If it doesn’t….I just don’t think I can go on much longer…..I am trying meditation and other kinds of natural things….but nothing seems to make me feel good any more…every thing just seems bleak and unimportant. I will pray for you all and hope that we can some day some way all find peace and happiness. Best of luck and god bless,Lianne.

  • Sue April 13, 2014, 6:00 pm

    This is why you do better than us regular depressives?

    “Because we’re strong-willed creatives. We are so strong that we endure unendurable situations far longer than we should. We are deeply committed and we want to do our best for others.”

    Talk about arrogance! Most likely, you suffer from Dysthymia, a much milder form of Major Depression.

    • Joss September 1, 2014, 4:08 pm

      Sue,
      Please look up at some earlier comments expressing similar feelings about the article. The author actually replied to these comments explaining that she didn’t mean to belittle anyone’s condition, and that she did not intend to make anyone look better or worse. This is part of one of her responses:
      “I’ll going to take another look at the article and see if I can tweak it so it doesn’t give the impression that I think the walking depressed are better than anyone else. We’re not, we just manifest depression differently. And I want EVERYONE to get help for this awful condition.”

  • Missmm April 16, 2014, 10:45 am

    This has been me for many years, I’ve dabbled at therapy on and off but gave up after being told in different worlds that I’m coping so I must be ok. However it has gotten progressively worse, I now find myself at a point where it is affecting my ability to work, part time working helps this but I wonder at what point I am unable to cope with even that.

    As a result I’m trying to get help, and this time I want it to be the last time. I’m waiting to receive treatment but at every pit stop I get the feeling that I’m still not being taken seriously, that feeling like I don’t want to be here and the agony it brings everyday is in admissible because I can still function. I can keep a job (albeit limited), make personal relationships and because I’m not in a battle with addiction or attempting suicide my issues are minor and the approach to my treatment seems as such.

    I have found ways over the years of understanding what I’m suffering from, some methods of coping and how to identify behaviours but I have no idea how to take control of my treatment and deal with this the way I need to. This in itself makes me more depressed and is baffling, no one tells you what comes after that first step of asking for help and seeking treatment.

    • Theresa Nava April 24, 2014, 10:29 am

      Your post hits home. How do you get someone to take you seriously? How can you tell them that actually getting help is the hardest part? Where do you start and what help is the best? Coping is the zombie feeling I have all day long. I hope you get relief.

  • Lisa April 20, 2014, 3:32 pm

    It certainly is hard, when depressed, and dealing with it by doing with it; it’s harder to deal with it, though. Not to mention, smarter. Suffering is shorter, but it’s neither intelligent nor proof of any ability to suffer longer, harder, are in greater depth than is necessary. The distance from dealing by not dealing to dealing is so close – it’s only one stop on the bus – imagine then, what it must be like, to rebound after dealing by not dealing due to falling into existential despair and absolute hopelessness. It’s akin to being dead, albeit alive. And doesn’t take long before the body, assuming that it’s dead or about to be, begins to shut down.

    Regarding from that is real strength.

  • Cheyenne April 22, 2014, 7:13 pm

    This does sound a lot like me. I always figured I didn’t work on my painting as much because I was just lazy. Everything my stepfather says and almost everything my family says sounds like criticism to me. And I do have trouble looking forward to anything.

    But there’s still some doubt. Every so often there are times when I feel fine and happy. Usually they are followed by these low times. For example, when I’m with a certain few friends I always end up laughing and joking. Then later I feel disgusted with myself.

  • mari April 22, 2014, 7:40 pm

    Dealing with this now. No one knows everyone thinks I’m fine but I’m falling apart on the inside. I get up and work everyday ironically in the psych field helping others. Everything written above re sxs are true. Pride fear and every thing in between is stopping me from getting help. I mean… I’m the helper not the helpee

  • Theresa Nava April 24, 2014, 10:26 am

    Rings true

  • Kirsty April 25, 2014, 9:31 am

    I have just found this and, after 3 months of thinking and trying to work out how I have ended up here, I now understand. I have been walking with depression for such a long time and fallen into the role of Dutiful Creative. Trying to get out and keep my commitments is going to be the next challenge. Thank you for giving me insight to help me on my journey. x

  • ZeeZee April 25, 2014, 3:36 pm

    Everything will be just fine in my head after i do what is necessary. Suicide is absolutely not an option. Close though…lol

  • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 12:59 am

    PLEASE HELP. I just want to give up. No hope… I don’t give up because my family needs me. I don’t sleep or have energy to enjoy my life. I can’t work because of no sleep depression panic attacks. PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE

    • Joss September 1, 2014, 4:13 pm

      I’m not sure how to help you, but I hope you can get help. Maybe you can call a crisis hotline.
      I myself feel desperate for help many times, and wish someone could rescue me somehow. If it’s any consolation,I don’t sleep well and also have panic attacks.
      -Joss

  • crett April 27, 2014, 10:13 am

    Ive been experiencing alot of feeling lately can’t stand noise and my family what can I do to make my feeling better I was diagnosed with depression 10 yes ago.

  • Salem April 27, 2014, 8:31 pm

    I know I’m depressed. I’ve been fighting it for over a decade but I think I’ve reached a new low. I’ve always had children and others that I was responsible for, so I have not been allowed to let my depressions keep me from “walking” everyday. I guess they have been my saving grace, because if not for them I probably wouldn’t get out of bed.

  • JoJo April 28, 2014, 10:11 am

    ALL.MY.LIFE

  • Eric April 30, 2014, 4:21 am

    Wow… I’ve very recently started to recognize that I was experiencing depression, but it didn’t seem like depression in the classical sense. This just nailed it. Thank you. I enjoy knitting. but recently knitting has felt like BLAH. I work in the medical field in a community clinic for lower income persons dealing with issues like HIV/AIDS, addiction, other life effecting illnesses. I care for them, but there is also that disdain that accompanies it that they aren’t doing everything they can to improve their lives. this puts into perspect a lot. thank you.

  • Jeff April 30, 2014, 10:26 am

    Walking Depressed…like so many others this describes me. I am 52 and this is the very first time I have typed “why am I so depressed and unhappy” on the browser. I had a very strained relationship with my dad when I was a kid. My mom was the rock I leaned on back then. I was intelligent but I only got good grades in classes/subjects that held my interest. I absolutely hated high school because I was small for my age…a “late bloomer” and was relentlessly bullied all four years by a couple of the finest “student athletes.” I even attempted suicide during that time (a bottle of aspirin) and it almost worked. Sometimes I wish it had. Even though I have many talents that feeling of helplessness and lack of confidence has plagued me for most of my life. I have failed to recognize or wasted good opportunities. I have had poor relationships with the wrong kind of women, fortunately no marriage or children resulted. I’ve meandered through my life without real inspiration or purpose. I’m socially active to this day and have always flowed easily into conversations with people…most people would have a hard time telling there’s anything wrong. About 15 years ago I met the woman who would become my wife. She had lost her 1st husband to cancer and was just getting herself back together. She was so unlike others I had known. I realized all the others were takers, she had something to give. We have been married for nearly 12 years and I sometimes feel like it’s the only truly good thing I have ever done in my life. We have no children, but our love for each other is strong…I would be lost without her. My wife is a truly wonderful and good person. I shouldn’t be depressed…we are very responsible, neither of us has ever been any real legal trouble, we own our home, have some toys, and have very little debt of any kind. Like you have noted…I keep on keepin on because I feel I must…I can’t let her or myself down. I have a job that I’m very good at but there are some duties that I absolutely despise. When I force myself to do them I feel like it’s an utter waste of my time. But it’s a steady job and good jobs are hard to find in this area. There are times lately I have babbled aloud in the presence of my wife that I wish I could die…that the future holds only diminishing returns for me. She is supportive and usually manages to cheer me up…but I know it must hurt her inside. What an angel. I just wish I could get out of this rut and be a happier person.
    I can also relate to the person that commented about this world being so corrupt. We have such a utterly corrupt and criminal government in our country today…from the top down. No one seems to have any real interest in fixing it…or they are quickly subdued if they try. I only see things getting worse…I would rather leave this world than keep on serving an evil master.

  • H May 1, 2014, 4:03 pm

    I read this at work at wept. This is me and has been for decades. I could have written this article and all the emotions felt daily myself.
    I’m not alone

  • Lorena May 2, 2014, 5:44 am

    I have been like this for 10 years! But we have two young kids
    And no money to treat me in Any way! At least
    I used to be able to cry a lot And release some of
    My sadness And frustration but lately i just have
    A lump in my throat And can’t even cry anymore.
    I am sorry for my young kids who got this crappy mom!!

  • Dyan May 7, 2014, 10:54 am

    Thank you for this.

    I am 52 yrs old and have never experienced depression until this year. I’m not a creative either, but most everything in this describes me perfectly.

    Just got divorced from my best friend a few months ago after a 16 year relationship. I have children from a previous marriage. He does not and does not feel he can go through life without children of his own. I understand that and can’t blame him for it. He never cheated on me and we had nothing but joy in our marriage.

    Completely understand it intellectually — That kept me going for a couple of months and then I guess my emotions just weren’t listening to my intellect. I wake up each morning with a lead weight on my chest. I cry and then I start putting one foot in front of the other and making plans to do things…. I feel like a zombie.

    I did go to the doctor who prescribed me some anti-depressants, but I do think I need to see a therapist too. That will be the next step.

    Thanks again for writing this. As you can see, it has been helping people for two years! Nice that the thread isn’t closed either so that we can all unburden ourselves for a minute.

  • Lea May 11, 2014, 9:21 pm

    My thoughts echo many of those in the comments below — I’ve suffered various levels of depression and anxiety for years, but this time seem to be able to drag myself through my day (after all – my work is great, my husband is great, my home life is great!) but feel just as hopeless and simply ‘not wanting to be here’. I’ve thought maybe it’s not depression this time and I should buck up and think about people in worse states than I am. This has helped to give me context and support — and a few answers also.

  • Renee May 12, 2014, 12:08 pm

    Wow. I sit here, slumped in my chair, reading this and am awkwardly comforted by realizing that I am not alone. I feel selfish for feeling this way, for I know some are much worse off. I have no desire to eat, smile or laugh. Instead of beaming at how much I love my kids, I want to cry all the time because I can’t give them all of me. I hate this. So many people love me and I love them. I just feel so broken. I miss smiling most of all. It’s been replaced by just always wanting to cry. So frustrating.

    • Lea May 13, 2014, 5:42 am

      I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to help, as I don’t know what anyone can say to help me, but I hope there is some comfort in knowing you ate heard and not alone.

  • Chrissy May 22, 2014, 7:52 pm

    I been searching for this for awhile now. I don’t need meds I tried and they make me tired . Then I just want to sleep. I feel a constant struggle to keep going. I have so much responsibility to fill. Being mom and a creative artist servicing peoe day in and out. I give them advice and uplift them and it’s like they suck it outta me. I come home and am exhausted from it then have to deal with everything at home. In a relationship I live with this person. And anxiety all the time cause I do everything. In so tired , all the time. Family makes me happy but sometimes I can’t focus on anything they have to say. Sometimes I fantasize about being alone . Then I wouldn’t have all this depression. If you met me you would never know. :/ I’m gonna keep going and hoping I find something to shake me out of this! Thank you

  • Jan May 23, 2014, 11:33 am

    I was very depressed for about 8 years and very close to suicide, i still had reasons to stay like my sister and my mother who i didn’t want to hurt, but since moving out the pain was growing stronger than those reasons not to do it. Since 2 years now i have a girlfriend, she is now my reason. I’m pretty sure i am still depressed but i can’t hurt my girl so i will not kill myself and i can’t be self destructive anymore, i will just keep waiting for the inevitable(and try to keep my girl as happy as possible as long as possible).

    Good luck to you all, and remember, suicide is not a solution.

  • ... May 26, 2014, 8:55 am

    Found this article and it described me better than I can describe myself.. Tears just kept coming the more I read. Wish there were more outlets for people like us.. Sick of dealing.

  • Clare R May 29, 2014, 2:18 pm

    I’m not an artist but your walking depression points are so consistent with
    My life. How do I explain this to a doctor without sounding like I’m a junkie wanting drugs?

    • Alison May 29, 2014, 2:54 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with this, Clare. And you ask a great question. The medical term for this type of depression used to be dysthymia – chronic low-grade depression.

      It’s now been renamed, apparently. Wikipedia says “The DSM-5, the 5th edition of the DSM, was released in May 2013 and includes a number of changes. In this edition, dysthymia is replaced by persistent depressive disorder. This new condition includes both chronic major depressive disorder and the previous dysthymic disorder. The reason for this change is that there was no evidence for meaningful differences between these two conditions.”

      I had no difficulty getting my family doctor to diagnose me with depression and prescribe antidepressants when I described these symptoms. I hope you have similar success getting the treatment you need.

  • susan rea May 30, 2014, 6:10 am

    I totally recognize myself here…I am so tired of just crying out of the blue for no apparent reason…my life is good ..might not be as good as others but good…

  • Lau May 30, 2014, 10:16 am

    I am a Walking Depressed person. I’m just sad, my life is sad, nothing is fun anymore. I function, I love my family, I do my everyday duties. Mind you, I’m even going to have a baby soon. And yes, I love this baby already. Still, I’m chronically sad. Only my very closest ones know how I feel inside, everyone else might just tell that I’m a little grumpy and on edge sometimes, but that’s all -nothing unusual. Every day I feel like bursting into tears, several times, and many days, I do. I couldn’t put it into words why I feel this way. I just feel that nothing really makes sense in life, nothing brings enduring happiness and fulfillment, and I can no longer find that within me. Many days I wish I was dead, but I keep going for the sake of my family.

    Funnily enough, mornings are my best time of the day, and evenings are my worst. Mornings bring a brand new start, help me to put the anxieties and gloom of the past day behind, they allow me to have new hopes. As the day progresses, my hope fades because I’m the same sad person I was yesterday.

  • Renee May 30, 2014, 4:15 pm

    I can’t help but feel this way, how do I make it stop? It’s killing me…

  • Catling May 30, 2014, 6:29 pm

    I think this maybe could be sort of me. People seem to think it’s my fault for getting overwhelmed, except my memory says this is what made me overwhelmed, or at least a big part of it. I don’t know how to cope. Everything I used to do, and everything new I’ve tried the last months hasn’t worked, except pure escape for hours. And being stuck in something isn’t safe and I know it.

  • June May 31, 2014, 10:53 pm

    Hi my name is June I’m a mother of 4 great kids my olds is 12 my baby is 5 and my hushed don’t have a job right now we live whit his mom & his brother I we relly don’t get a long but I know times are hard right now but I fill all the sings and I just can’t deal whit all this and his family but Ty for all the info u put on here I just need to right thins may be it will make me fill better idk I just need help so bad Ttyl June

  • amber June 17, 2014, 9:47 pm

    Wow. I have always known that I am a functioning depressed person, but I never knew the appropriate term. This is me. Everything you said is what I feel. I am so unhappy with where my life decisions have lead me to this point. I can feel ok one minute and the next I will be fighting off tears. I see no one has posted a comment here in a long time, maybe that makes me feel more comfortable admitting this is me too. I had a great life until 12 years ago. I met someone 20+ years older than me who has no ambition, goals or desire to go out of the normal day to day. It has completely drained me. I am a shell of who I know I really am. Everyone in my life sees this but no one can help me. I know in order to begin to lift this heavy dark cloud off me I must leave and concentrate solely on myself. I’m so tired of caring for everyone else every second of every day. I am so kind and always get kicked in the ass for it. I’ve hit my breaking point…. I can’t take this life anymore. I’m petrified to make any changes because I will need to hurt who I love. What about loving me?? I hope one day I will again. Until then I now know I am walking depressed.

  • Sofia3081 June 18, 2014, 11:54 pm

    Thank you for this article! I found a lot of interesting things, a lot of them are about me.
    So may be now I can keep up going with a bit understanding to what`s going on with me.

  • Irene Devine June 19, 2014, 12:06 am

    I am so so so a walking depressed person
    I hate how i feel

  • dena June 24, 2014, 8:54 pm

    Im so unhappy.I wish I could drink all day long to just feel numb.I am a walking depressed.is there any hope? How can a sick person help themselves. My family trys. But I am simply caustic to them.I wish could leave….but I can’t. I wish I could feel happy.but what is that? Is it even real? Why do have to live this way? I wonder what I did before….in another life time maybe….. maybe because Iwant the world to be different. Maybe because I don’t agree with pain and suffering. Maybe because I just can’t get with the program. I am autistic and have sensory processing disorder, SPD and other stuff…I need medical help but keep being denied. This is a sad sad sad way of living..so very sad.

  • JoAnn July 5, 2014, 1:59 pm

    It’s amazing reading about people who are describing in detail everything I’ve felt after reading an article describing everything I’ve felt. I’ll be 40 next month and I’m dreading it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I’ve been depressed my whole life, since childhood (mental illness runs in my family as I later found out) though it was always discounted as a bad attitude or laziness and not caring and “What does a kid have to be depressed about? Snap out of it.” I’ve never had a normal life, maybe only one or two real friends ever. I thought getting married and buying a house and having kids would make me happy and maybe for a short while it did. But after complicated pregnancies, major health issues, three autistic children and our house being foreclosed on after 12 years, I wish I’d never done it. I love my husband and kids, but HATE the life I have. We have no family support, nobody to fall back on and nobody that understands what it’s like. I wish I could get back all the time I lost. As a kid I wanted to be a writer and a drummer, two things I loved. I gave them up when I lost interest – for 17 years. I’m doing both again, just as a hobby, when I actually have the time and energy, and regret that I’d ever stopped. I could’ve really worked to make a living doing one or both, if I’d really pursued it and I regret that I didn’t. And the guilt I feel now for feeling this way is unbearable. My husband claims he’s happy, but I don’t think he really is. My kids didn’t ask to be born and now I’ve brought these innocent defenseless beings into this sick world and I’m responsible for them for the rest of my life. When my husband and I are gone, there is nobody that can take care of them. I cannot even think about this. My husband doesn’t agree he’d be better off if he’d married somebody else instead of me, but i think he would have, and I’m scared for my kid’s future. I’m trapped and all I can think most days is “what was the point?”.

  • Jackie July 18, 2014, 3:59 am

    Hello, Is anybody out there? How does this work. I cannot do it alone.

  • Fanny July 20, 2014, 9:02 pm

    I’ve walked for 5 years… And I think I still might be… Wich is why I found this article.

  • Angela July 21, 2014, 8:47 pm

    I didn’t realize until I’d read it, but this is me. I thought that I couldn’t be depressed if I was turning up to work every day and “functioning”. Inside I’m a mess and I can’t find happiness or purpose in anything. I’ve felt like this for 2 years. I try to find fault with others so I can lay blame on someone for the reason I feel this way. I feel pulled in so many directions all the time when I just want to be. I feel too many demands and every day I the struggle intensifies a little more.

  • j. Nicholas August 3, 2014, 4:47 pm

    Another bullshit article offering no real advice… if it were as easy as someone telling me what to do to feel better, we all would be 100% perfect. Im so suck of this crap!

    • Alison August 5, 2014, 10:56 am

      Hi Nicholas, I appreciate hearing from you, and I’m curious what would be helpful to you rather than advice. What do you need in order to deal with whatever it is you’re struggling with? I agree that knowing what to do is only the first step–doing it is much harder. But sometimes it’s good to know you’re not alone and that others have succeeded in getting out of their mess. All the best to you, Alison

  • Charlotte August 6, 2014, 7:00 am

    This is me :( I have 3 beautiful children but a very unsupportive partner… I’ve been given medication but feel I’m ‘not with it’ and that’s no good for my children. I’ve had therapy for anxiety and low self esteem but I feel it would be pointless this time round because there is only me that can make decisions about my relationship. I know I need to walk away but i’ll be left in such a mess mentally, physically and emotionally and again, that’s know good for my children. Does anybody know where i could get some sort of help with this situation?

  • Emily August 9, 2014, 1:10 pm

    As hard as it is to admit, I have walking depression… deep down I’ve always known. Depression runs in my family although it’s always been some big secret. As much as I’ve always wanted to, staying in bed isn’t an option. I’ve been through some very traumatic things through my life yet I never had time to stop and take care of my mental being. I have a family, kids, people who rely on me to never let them down, and I never will. Anytime I try to do things for myself I feel selfish and undeserving. I rarely buy anything for myself but when I do I end up regretting it and return whatever it is, even if I really do need it. I hate my life and yet I have so much to be thankful for. I constantly pretend I’m ok but truthfully… I will admit to looking out the window of a moving vehicle and thinking how easy it would be to open the door and roll away. Then I snap back to reality and put on a fake happy face so my kids can’t see my pain. Besides, easy isn’t my way, it never has been. I’ve tried so hard for so long to feel fulfilled yet nothing seems to work. For a short time i felt strong and motivated from getting through the trials of my past, now that my life seems to be in order no one questions how I’m really doing, what I’m really feeling, if I’m actually happy. I should be happy, but I’m not and don’t know why, THAT is what kills me every single day of my life. I was ment for more than this wasn’t I? How do I get out of this rut?

    • shelly August 22, 2014, 7:55 pm

      I am going through the same thing. I work so hard to care for everyone around me. I dont do ‘good enough.’ I strive for perfection. I go above and beyond for everyone. Yet I feel guilty if I take the first shower or record something on our overly full dvr or purchase a new bra when the strap on mine breaks. I deny myself basic necessities and feel that any indulgence is selfish. I want to just disappear. I am talented and bright, but I use every ounce of my energy to care for those around me. I just have nothing left. I work. I have no fun. I never laugh. I have no hobbies or interest. I have no identity of my own. It feels like I am not a real person. No matter how much I help others, it feels as if I am never worthy of being helped. Is there a way out?

  • tired27 August 10, 2014, 12:04 am

    This is a good article. I have just had my meds readjusted for the umpteenth time, hoping something this time around around finally works. So tired of trying to feel okay. I dont want to live like this anymore. Wish i felt better, wish i could feel happiness, even love. Im so tired of feeling and living and my own mind.

  • Ashley August 14, 2014, 9:45 am

    I’ve been struggling through life for a while and now that I have a very loving boyfriend- we’ve been together four years now- it’s become more and more apparent to me how depressed I really am. I shut myself out from the rest of the world mainly and lived in my mind half the time. I didn’t have to include anyone then-nor the need to subject myself to loss or unnecessary hurt. Now it’s strange trying to adapt to fit him into that world because I never realized how much I’ve been putting off reality. I’ve been snapping at him for no real reason and I’ve become quite verbally abusive and it’s not who I am. I’ve never been that way. Then I read the whole “shocking” yourself into awareness and I never heard my feeling put into such a good perspective. If I’m not yelling at him I’m at his feet begging him to help me. It’s like this horrible feeling of not wanting him to leave me cause he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me…but at the same time I wish he would because I hate the person I’ve become. And he doesn’t deserve to be with somebody like that. But when I’m not this way I SEEM to be my normal self. And it’s heartbreaking to constantly jump from one trait to another without warning. I get mad because I hate myself and half the time I want somebody else to hate me outwardly too. It’s so wrong and unhealthy to live like that. It’s not fair to him either. He recently lost his mother and it’s like any emotions that I needed help with were immediately put on hold because I felt it wasn’t as bad as what he was going through. So I forced myself to ignore my own feelings. He was emotionally detached (understandably so) and sometimes falters into that stance even now. And I feel horrible snapping at him so I sometimes take it out on myself by making the situation even worse than it was to begin with. Yet he won’t hate me. So it frustrates me. I don’t get the response I wanted so I feel even worse and the cycle just repeats. The days which this doesn’t occur are blessed to me. I barely go out of the house. I don’t like talking with people since I developed horrible social anxiety from severe bullying I went through all my life. It’s hard for me to trust males because of other forms of abuse I’ve been through. And most of my family ignored any sexual abuse I went through because it was done at the hands of my oldest brother. I had to stifle all that down and bear with it because on one hand I love them but on the other I hate them and myself for it ever happening. I don’t know how it could get worse this entire thing is a gigantic mess just waiting to explode in my face. I always talk about it but I never feel like I ever get any real consolation over any of these things. Ever since he and I got together it’s been so hard. Death of my aunt, death of my cat. Then he loses his mother, his dog and his cat. It’s like there’s no break. And it’s breaking me if not him. I never felt so happy to see this explained to me. I really have been suffering from walking depression. I wanted to be a fashion designer and a writer but all those dreams were just, one day, gone. And I don’t dream enough anymore.

  • Dylan August 21, 2014, 8:26 pm

    Oh man this ran so freaking true with me every symptom was clear and concise with what I feel. I’m actually a guy but I’ve basically been feeling this way my whole life: always on the edge and when it was all said and done I just wanted to fade away because it was so hard to even try to do the simplest things because it brought so much pain. I’ve always wanted someone to try to lead me out of it all, but I could never really explain it to anybody because I fell into such a stressful straight trying to explain it successfully and not be wrong or get anyone mad that I just couldn’t get it out right. Thank you for this

  • shelly August 22, 2014, 7:42 pm

    It is really comforting to know others feel this way as well. I work from the moment I wake until late into the night. There is never time for fun. If I stop to do something I enjoy, I am taking time away from my children, husband, chores, or career. I promise myself tomorrow I will at the very least go for a walk, but I never can find the time. Life is an overwhelming and exhausting cycle where my wants and needs are never met, and honestly having needs at all makes me feel selfish. Shouldn’t I be happy to care for my family and help others??

  • Ana August 22, 2014, 7:51 pm

    Good info. I’m currently suffering from a somewhat severe case of walking depression. I don’t have much support and I’m going thru talk therapy but I feel like it’s just a waste of time. No one really understands in my circle. It’s like being in a prison and the only expression I’m allowed to show is :-)

  • Fran September 1, 2014, 11:35 pm

    Wow, I am glad I stumbled on this post..I wish we all could keep in touch somehow. Nobody is aware of what I go through, and I am tired of putting on a happy face and pretending to care. Ana said it’s like being in a prison, and she is right.

  • S.D September 10, 2014, 2:33 pm

    Just happened to stumble across the this site while trying to find who I am although I feel that 95 % matches me I still don’t feel like it is who I am for all I know is that I would like to be one of those people who emits light and happiness in stead those that are lost in the coldness that shrouds them in blackness, were I just keep on going no knowing which direction to go in. Suicide is no good it’s for the weak and I would miss my family and it is a curse which would transfer my pain onto those I love not been a good son to my parents or a husband to my wife although my son and daughter are no longer with us I would still like to make them proud of their dad and suicide would keep me from seeing them. Suicide is out of the questions and I know I need to get my self together and that some people have it a lot worse but I don’t know who I am so how am I going to sort myself out and this is the shame I probably will have to carry . A MAN WITH NO CREATIVITY, TALANT, SKILL, OR EDUCATION SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED AND THIS IS MY CURSE. I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM WRITING THIS MAYBE SOMEONE OUT will feel my saddeness or help me find what and whom I am and be doing.

    • Bobby September 13, 2014, 7:04 am

      I hear you SD and am very sorry for the loss of your kids. Since I’m on this page because I am going through some of the same feelings, I don’t think I can help you. But my heart does go out to you. I feel your sadness

  • Bobby September 13, 2014, 5:46 am

    Great post. Finding this for the first time in September 2014. I don’t consider myself a creative person. I’m just an IT drone — there’s goes that uplifting self-talk again :) But I feel that I have most if not all of the symptoms. I’ve bookmarked this page. Thanks for sharing your story and expressing this so eloquently.

  • Carly September 13, 2014, 5:52 am

    Thank you. Every line spoke to me but feeling too sad to do much about it right now. Just going to have to bookmark for later tonight xxx

  • crys September 26, 2014, 1:47 pm

    i feel i have it, but when given a anxiety quiz thing at the doc’s, they just read it, and pushed it to the back of my file.(twice)… i do feel sad and worthless sometimes, and other times, im on top of the world, wondering why i ever felt that way, and later on, deeper i sink & im back to the sadness. better described as a numb feeling, but feeling all the pain. then the physical pain from depression, achy body, no energy, etc. a week ago i started dabbling in yoga and found that a decent amount of time doing yoga, i can tell i feel better. i do hair, so i work with color, chemicals, techniques, cuts, etc, so i am very creative, and i find that my field makes depression even more real. I hear sad stories all day. husband passed suddenly, best friend hates her, dog died, car wreck, etc… ALL DAY. and i love what i do, but i find it hard to leave it all at work. It does affect me because i care about my clients. and i actually worry about them through out the days… i feel like im friends with my clients, but its one way, and they go on happy, and here i am stressed, faking it until i make it. and then the thoughts are, ill fake it all my life, becasue im not good enough to “make it”….. and its a vicious circle and sometimes i think im crazy lol… silly… why would someoen care so much about others, that it effects me so much- people just dont do that, that im aware of. idk if its really normal. i absolutely love my job- 100% without a doubt, wouldnt want to do anything else, but i need help with finding out how to deal with other peoples problems, and i te;ll myself, not my monkeys, not my zoo. not my problem. its not my life, its theirs, and they will deal with all of their issues just like i do mine. but its not that easy. my circle continues to spin. and i sit here at my station, numb, staring into space… wondering and always doubting my happiness…

  • Rick Jones September 29, 2014, 8:42 am

    I’m a man, so I hope it ain’t too bad of me to post here. No meds or therapy have ever helped. At first, there’s this glimmer of hope, then you find that it’s not gonna help and that drops you back below square one. At almost 54 years old, I’ve battled this so long. I’ve written several novels, novellas, screenplays, etc. Won some international awards, but never took anything to the publishing stage. I’ve also written thousands of songs, play many instruments and made a few records and cd’s. Also composed a soundtrack for a film. Everything died. I no longer have a desire for any of the above activities and havent for 5 years. Maybe I’m just simplifying my life. I would love to feel happy again.

  • Nathan Drake September 30, 2014, 3:30 pm

    I find myself to be in the exact issues that you’ve mentioned. And I know I’m late, but I wanted to sincerely thank you for putting this out there, where I can finally get a word for what I’m going through, Walking Depression.

  • Anonymous October 3, 2014, 6:03 pm

    There are many of us who cannot afford to quit our “draining government job”. It’s called having enough money to not be homeless, to pay for food I can actually eat (and doesn’t make me sick because of my food allergies), to pay for my used car, health insurance, and enough money to set aside so I’m not poor and old someday.
    I am responsible for my actions, but not for my emotions. Emotions happen, and you keep living regardless.
    There is a difference between being an artist, and making a living from art. The first creates because it makes life worth living; the second spends 95% of their waking life as a self-marketer, making art when there’s time or money for food. I would rather spend another 100 years at my day job than become a 23-hour-a-day marketer.
    I might be unhappy, but I am also very lucky. Many, many people are not nearly as fortunate.

    I’m not even sure that artists are supposed to be happy. If we were happy, why would we make art?
    I know you won’t post this. That’s ok.

    • Alison October 4, 2014, 9:08 pm

      I’m happy to post your comment, Anon – it’s so true that there are economic realities that limit people’s options and leave them with really hard choices to make about how to survive. There’s definitely a hierarchy of needs, and it’s difficult to tend to the need for self-actualization when basic needs for food, shelter, and security are more pressing. I also think that any small amount of creativity that we can make room for will have a positive effect – as you say, one does not have to make a living at art, it can simply make life worth living.

      As to your question about art and happiness, I would say that many happy people make art from a desire to do challenging, satisfying work, to express themselves and engage with the world. Yes, unhappiness can give us some drama and conflict to work with, but it also saps our energy and our sense of meaning, which makes it harder to get into the flow state. I do think we can take responsibility for our emotions, because emotions are a response to our thoughts and outlook on the world, which we do have the ability to change.

      I wish you all the best, Anon. Thanks for sharing your perspective here.

  • Paola Noguera October 8, 2014, 4:34 am

    I am depressed all the signs have been there from elementary my family and teachers said there was something wrong with me and placed me in special Ed. As I kept growing the feelings never changed they just got stronger my family thinks I’m crazy and it’s all in my head. I tried to change telling myself there was something was wrong with me so I would push all my negative thoughts away giving a smile to all but in the inside I just wanted to vanish from the world. Pretending only last a while and then back no matter how hard I wish I didn’t. I wish they understood that I truly fight with myself every day to not be the way I am I hate it and hate the way they look at me like I’m insane. After I read the signs I notice that I can’t help them if I can nearly help myself at the moment.

  • I. October 9, 2014, 5:39 pm

    Hi, I think I’m walking trough depression, I don’t have friends, just my twin sister I’m 14 years old, i feel so sad becauae I don’t know how to make friends and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.My twin has her friends and I don’t have anyone. I feel so lonely and sad. I feel like crying everytime. And I know that this might sound ridiculous but I feel very very sad and empty and cry everytime :(

  • Tina M. October 11, 2014, 10:01 am

    God bless u always. How do u do it? I’ve gone from completely debilitating, suicidal (x2) clinical depression to walking depression….I guess. Stopped trying, cuz I can’t think of a sure fire method that will work. Pills didn’t do it and I don’t want to be a vegetable for my family to take care of forever. I know they’re sick of me…I’m sick of myself. I just want it to be over. I was not like this before my accident three yrs ago. I had my moments, as we all do, but generally was the most upbeat, happy person on the planet. I have so many physical problems that are fairly uncommon. Most drs aren’t even versed on them. They carry with them depression and anxiety. I don’t LOOK sick, so no one thinks I am sick…only in the head. Dysautonomia and autoimmunity are complicated. I’m sick of being labeled (or so it feels) a hypochondriac. I’m just so ready to be done. I don’t want to try any more.

  • Michael Cole October 15, 2014, 4:35 am

    Have been clinical depression in the past. Now I function but have ALL the conditions listed. Very unhappy.

  • Joni October 17, 2014, 3:20 am

    My big question is when do you finally decide to stop walking? From what I’ve gathered after reading this post, you are saying that a person is just depressed, not about anything that has happened to them or what they do throughout the day. So, the environment is what is effecting their depression.. “walking depression” is the translation of environmental depression. You’re saying people don’t realize they are depressed and continue on with their daily activities. If this is so, the person is depressed because of their environment and they should surround theirself with other people/work/etc. Atmosphere truly matters. If it is NOT environmental, it is not walking depression. That makes it just clinical. There is no calling it walking depression because it’s genetic or something has altered somebody’s perspective or something they cannot ever forget has happened. That type of depression doesn’t just not ring a bell in somebody’s head as a cause. And also everything you said relates to the environment. Sounds like a typical person who doesn’t like their surroundings. Changing it is all you can do or learn to like it because those suggestions listed (besides medicine and therapy) will not help you if you don’t get the hell away from what’s the real problem.

  • Danelle October 18, 2014, 4:32 pm

    I am struggling so much right now as the mom of a toddler with a completely unsupportive partner. I really just want to take my princess and leave him even if it means going to a shelter. He does not work (his mom is paying our rent) and he does not participate in either of our lives much at all except for playing with our daughter for maybe a half hour or so a day, and spending a few minutes talking to me in hopes he can convince me to have sex – but only if he is in the mood. I have been trying to find a part time job lately with no success and he takes this as a sign from God that I should not work outside the home! But he does not and will not work, I have to provide almost all the food with food stamps and WIC then MY FATHER brings us food bank food as well as supplying diapers and whatever else is an absolute need. Baby daddy goes and recycles stuff to buy cigarettes for us (me – 5 a day or less, he – the rest of the pack BUT I GET CRITICIZED AND TOLD MY SMOKING COSTS US TOO MUCH MONEY! LOL but it is not funny, really) and other little stuff for him. In four years he has never gotten me even a card for my birthday or in the two years of my being a mom the same, no mothers day card or anything. Yet if I want to leave all of a sudden I am a child stealer. I had a life before. I want my life back. This is no way to live with a man who doesn’t care his child’s mother is hurting as long as he can play with his pretty daughter for a few minutes every day. I need to leave and I hope I have the strength to someday before my little girl gets old enough to wonder why is mommy so miserable all the time!

  • no name October 19, 2014, 9:48 pm

    Everything in this article is so true and definitely the alcohol part… Now I see why people become alcoholics… If only there was a cure for this.. But my biggest problem is I want to cure this problem but I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want to be treated differently or be put on the spot.. Guess I will go day to day and just look forward to Friday nights because of the alcohol…

  • Rick October 20, 2014, 8:52 pm

    Wow. Other people feel like this…

  • martin October 21, 2014, 5:33 am

    SAD AND LONGING TO DIE BUT TOO SCARED ….
    i have longed from as far back as a remember wanting to die from putting a knife to my throat when i was a child and by myself , thinking if i jumped out of a tree i would kill my self all i did was break bones and covered my killing my self thoughts with accidents hurting myself felt good made me feel i was punishing my self for the feelings i had… i have always felt i dont belong on earth and it was not my time to come here sounds stupid dont it but ive lived with it for over 40 years i have let life make me who i am i have wondered through life dealing with the crap its given me like a ghost even to date no one knows how much i long not to be here but death scares me i crave it but just scared , i find my self browsing the wed just looking for a easy way to let it all go and all i received and all the info is judgmental doing it for attention . but i have not i just want to sleep and never wake up i have kids who i love a wife i love so much and loves me back so much but this feeling inside of not belonging on planet earth hurts when days i just seem like im watching a tv and just going along in life it never feels like it me . me who is inside dam why do i feel like this and why do i feel this way …
    im loving and do anything for others and never in my life asked for anything in return but i feel life has shaped me not me shaping my life its always one thing or another i just need to sleep thats all and never open my eyes but then i think what if what about my family i feel im cheating them from happiness with a father .my responsibilities have a hold i just can not let go but i so just want to people say you’re depressed but blah blah blah but surly the urge just to forget living is not a crime god gave me a life and ive never wanted it so surly its mine to do as i will this post best describes myself and i now know Walking Depression is really what i have i walked through my life and i let life shape my future yet at every door way stands me just waiting to walk through the door and say here i am but i have never had or been give a opportunity to develop what or who i really am worked all my life so ive become a robot to work pay bills etc etc and i hate myself for been to honest and putting other people b4 myself i sit here thinking i should just do it and worry about it when it comes a bit like looking at a roller coaster it looks scary but once your on your in for the ride , please don’t judge all this crap i put thinking im just some sad depressed man who seeks attention in 40 years no one at all has ever released or knows my thoughts but my question is my feeling inside that says i dont belong here on earth and it was too soon for me to come why o why do i feel this im not religious i dont believe in life after death or heaven or hell i look at my life and think why … just why
    i dont drink i live for my family i am honest as the day is long i have never done harm yet i have never let anyone know what i felt inside but i felt this Walking Depression best described me Walking through life with Depression

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