The Now Habit

If you're interested in learning how to stop procrastinating and be more productive, sign up for a free teleclass with Neil Fiore, author of the excellent book The Now Habit, on Monday, February 6 at 8 pm EST.

What's the Purpose?

Yesterday's post was brought to you by my analytical side, the part of me that loves goals and order and routines and checklists.

Today's post is inspired by my emotional side, the part that occasionally gets freaked out or anxious, that feels giddy or charged up, and at the best moments has a peaceful balance somewhere in between.

While cleaning up the kitchen a few days ago, it occurred to me that I'm always calculating how much I have to write (hours or pages) in order to finish a book by such-and-such time. Then if I fail to hit that target, I feel disappointed.

But I rarely think about how much time I want to spend writing. Perhaps I need to see my writing more as a daily practice, a way of spending my time, rather than focusing on production. The half-hour of writing a day is a great start on that. I think right now I would be really happy spending about two hours a day on writing, and an hour reading.

I have been spending a lot of time recently trying to discover my purpose in life. I have been doing the meditation on Suzanne Falter-Barns' CD Discover Your Soul Purpose, and also Steve Pavlina's twenty-minute exercise. A soul or life purpose is not specifically about what you do as a career, but the very reason you exist, the way you are meant to affect people in all areas of your life.

An excerpt from my journal on February 7/05, the first time I did Suzanne's meditation:

Saturday I was a wreck, didn't eat lunch, kept bursting into tears at the thought that I couldn't control my life, wasn't doing what I loved, didn't know what to do. Saturday night I did a "Discover Your Soul Purpose" meditation that was really helpful. I felt the need for an understanding of my purpose that went beyond "writing" to something that I could draw on in whatever work or activity I was doing. The purpose that came through to me was "speak for those who can't speak for themselves", and this really sharpened my intention for the songs I was singing on Sunday, because rather than thinking about them as performances, I focused on putting into words what the congregation members would be thinking and feeling, expressing for them what they couldn't or wouldn't express for themselves.

This formulation of my purpose was useful, but I knew it wasn't bang on. Speaking for others felt presumptuous, even though I feel there's an element of that in writing fiction, where I'm speaking for my characters. So I picked up the process again this month and continued to refine it.

The next two times I did the meditation I got "To remind people of their connection with God and each other" and "To help people listen to themselves." Doing Steve's writing exercise, I actually stumbled on my genius instead of my purpose (I'll talk about that in another post).

But I still hadn't nailed it, and I was getting more and more frustrated. One day I worked on trying to understand what the block was:

I dug up this belief that I don't deserve to be in control of my life. That was making me afraid of knowing my soul purpose: either it would be something I wanted to do, and that would make me a bad selfish person; or it would be something I didn't want to do, and that would make me miserable and enslaved. I can see that I was working to fit my purpose to my writing, rather than the other way around. I know they are linked, but I need to open myself up to a wider possibility and trust that it will not make me selfish or enslaved.

I did some work on replacing that limiting belief with a positive one. I realized that this belief ("I don't deserve to have control of my life") had served me by helping me do what I was told as a child, when I didn't have the freedom or wisdom to take control of my life. But now that I've grown up, I can take hold of that freedom and use it to fulfill my life purpose. And that purpose will be in line with God's will and my passions.

I discussed my dilemma with a class I'm in, and one member suggested I try an exercsie from The Success Principles by Jack Canfield:

1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity. [I listed empathy and honesty.]
2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when
   interacting with others, such as to support and to inspire. [For me, to share stories, to listen.]
3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be. Example: "Everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents. Everyone is working harmony. Everyone is expressing love." [People are deeply aware of their connection to each other and to God, and share their experiences without judging or taking offense.]
4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement. Example: "My purpose is to use my creativity and enthusiasm to
   support and inspire others to freely express their talents in a
   harmonious and loving way." [My purpose is to use my empathy and honesty to share stories and connect with others in an accepting and affirming way.]

I was definitely getting closer. That last version, "To use my empathy and honesty to share stories and connect with others in an accepting and affirming way," was very good, but I wanted something simpler, more elegant and beautiful (I know, I have high expectations!)

Finally, while journalling on Friday night, I stumbled on the answer:

I know it's not about teaching or coaching or mentoring. It's about peer groups, camaraderie. I can't handle the superior/inferior relationship. But I love coming alongside.

To come alongside and share true stories.

Bingo.

"Coming alongside" speaks to me of empathy, of friendship. It looks like a hug, like two people talking earnestly over coffee, delighted to find they have so much in common, and learning from each other.

"Sharing true stories" captures the mutuality of speaking and listening, my love of narrative, and the importance of truth, authenticity, and beauty.

I'm already benefiting from the clarity that this purpose brings me. I'm so thankful that it's finally been revealed.

30 Minutes, Once a Day

The last few weeks I've been consumed with planning. January will do that to a person. I'm setting goals left and right, re-evaluating, envisioning new projects, and meditating on where I want to be in the next five years. A reaction, I think, to the wide-open space that is my life without permanent employment, at least until the child arrives to fill every available nook and cranny.

I took a day to go through a free goal-setting workbook, and I came out of that with four main objectives for this year:

1. Finish the story collection.
2. Build a bigger audience for my work.
3. Cultivate a daily spiritual practice.
4. Establish an effective system for peaceful productivity.

The supplemental goals that go along with that list include:

• Become an early riser.
• Write every day.
• Learn self-discipline.
• Practice yoga.
• Keep an experiment journal.
• Conquer e-mail.
• Keep a clean house and cook regularly.
• Develop stronger muscles.

I came up with an experiment journal as a way of testing new routines by writing them down and evaluating them. Without it, I often come up with new ideas every few days and never really follow through on them. With the journal, I record the new behaviour that I want to test and then try it out and evaluate it for a period of time.

Experiment #1 was to "write fiction every day for at least 30 minutes". I started on January 4, and so far I'm going strong. I try to do my 30 minutes first thing in the morning, to make sure it gets done. I use my Palm Pilot and keyboard so I won't be distracted by the Web and e-mail. Amazing how 30 minutes a day can add up. It's short enough that it doesn't seem too much of a chore, and yet I've got over 20,000 words in a quick draft I'm working on.

Writing first thing in the morning is great in that my mind is still half-asleep, and ready to flow into freewriting without objection. I have a stack of notecards with scenes on them that I prepared back in November, so when I sit down to write, I don't have to figure out what to write about; I just grab a card off the pile and start typing.

So I'd say this daily writing experiment is a success. My plan is to keep it up through the whole year.

Another Terpstra Nomination

John Terpstra is one of four nominees for this year's Charles Taylor Prize for Literary Non-fiction for his latest book, The Boys: or, Waiting for the Electrician's Daughter (Globe and Mail article).

A great year for John, as this comes on the heels of his Governor General's poetry nomination for Disarmament. I'm thrilled to see his prose writing honoured as well.

Year of the Book Redux

Last January 7, I published a declaration that 2005 would be the Year of the Book (scroll down to the bottom).

In 2006, I'm giving myself an extension.

Over the past year, I discovered that before I could finish a book, I needed to do some inner work, to clear out more of my emotional obstacles to writing. The work started in my Conscious Creating workshop in January, when I recognized that I need to hold lightly my intention to finish the book, and allow myself to make the necessary internal change to create an environment where I could write more easily.

I wrote about Resistance to writing for my talk at Houghton. At that conference, I also recognized the germination of another book, not the novel. I conceived of a book of short stories and one novella, on the theme of mothers and daughters, which would contain several stories that I've already finished.

In May and June, I edited the first draft of my novel and determined what work remained to be done. I realized that if I were to do it justice, I needed another three years or so. At that point I decided to set the novel aside and start concentrating on my story collection.

I began work with a new therapist, and among other things, I realized that my job situation was causing too much stress to allow me to write productively. I discerned that the time was right to make a change in my employment, and I quit my job in October and embarked on a freelance career.

Using ideas from Dorothy Bryant's book, Writing a Novel, I developed a method for taking and organizing notes on index cards. With Robert McKee's Story, I improved my analysis and shaping of narrative flow. Using what I learned over two years of NaNoWriMo, I found a way to turn a fast, messy draft into a polished piece of fiction, and completed my first short story since 2002: "Understanding Fiction".

In November, I pulled out the draft of my novella, written during NaNoWriMo in 2003, and began editing it and doing research.

All of this work has allowed me to create an environment that is much more friendly and nurturing for writing. These changes were vital: I did not have the strength or willpower to forge on through the current level of difficulty I was facing--I needed to dial down the resistance, both internal and external.

I feel more equipped than ever to write healthily, joyfully, and productively. And that's what I plan to devote myself to for the next year. Because, you see, I have a deadline.

Sometime this year, Shawn and I will bring home a child from China. We began the adoption process last February, and our application was logged in China on September 14. We are now in the waiting period for a referral (a photo and information about the child matched with us). The processing timelines have slowed down in recent months, and while at one time we thought we might travel as early as May, November is now more likely.

From the beginning, my determination to finish a book has been closely tied to the anticipated arrival of our daughter. I have struggled a lot with whether I can make space in my life for both writing and child-rearing. And I knew that I wanted to give myself closure on the writing process, and complete another book to publish and promote, so that I can focus on the first months of our daughter's life with us, without being distracted or depressed by a half-finished manuscript.

My intention is to complete the story collection this year, which means finishing the novella, and at least three other stories. An ambitious intention, considering my previous rate of output (four stories over six years). But I believe I've done my best to create the conditions that will give me a shot at accomplishing my goal.

So continues the Year of the Book.

My Inner Child

First, a health report. My thanks to a few friends and family who offered advice about the physical cause of my pre-Christmas vertigo. I went to a drop-in clinic during our holiday visiting, and the doctor told me there was no infection or other problem, just likely fluid in my inner ear that would dissipate once the congestion from my cold was completely gone. He recommended nasal spray but no antibiotics. And he was right, the dizziness has cleared up entirely, much to my relief and gratitude.

I did continue to meditate on how to understand the vertigo in a metaphorical sense. From my journal on Christmas Day:

Perhaps the sensation is accompanying the birth of this new vision for my writing life. Perhaps the imbalance, the rocking and rolling, is meant to signify a sea change in my direction, an unmooring from my old life. I’m trusting that as long as I’m feeling this vertigo, I should continue to be open to receiving further revelations about my new journey. ... So rather than succumb to annoyance or dread about this feeling of movement, I’m going to embrace it as a manifestation of the inner shift going on.

More to come in another post ...

For Christmas, my parents gave me a DVD recording of all their home movies from 1973 to 1984 (they titled it "The Gresik Girls"). My sister Melody and I watched the whole three hours during her breastfeeding sessions with Isabelle. What a tremendous gift, to have a refresher course in what I was like as a child.

Here we have my second birthday party. My favourite stuffed doll, Raggedy Ann, had the honour of being replicated in cake frosting. My grandmother held the cake and encouraged me to blow out the candles, which I tried to do by making a shushing noise at them. Needless to say, I failed, and required outside assistance to put out the flames. Then I plucked each candle from the cake, licked off the icing, and replaced it in the hole.

Revelations:

I forgot how much I loved to perform as a child, and how spontaneously these performances arose. In one scene, when we are still preschool age, Melody and I wear ponchos and too-big shoes, dancing and twirling for the relatives in lawn chairs. In another, the shot shows a hand-written program reading "Enjoy the show!" followed by two blondes in red bathing suits performing a water ballet on a thick branch suspended between the dock and the shore at our cottage.

I look happy a lot of the time. Granted, I'm usually opening presents.

I seem to enjoy Melody's company. No, Dad didn't record the fights and the name-calling, but I definitely see genuine affection.

I'm glad our family spent so much time together. Being close to my aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents has meant a lot to me.

Since watching the home movies, I've treasured a picture in my mind, of my younger self before glasses and nerdy clothes, smiling and waving at my dad behind the camera, happy to be alive. I'm very glad that we've been reacquainted.

Halloween Angel (QuickTime movie)