Homework: Perfection and Self-Reliance

This post is part of my Writing Coach series.

Inquiry: Why can't I trust myself?

As I was meditating today [May 5], I realized that my idealized self-image can be summed up in two values: perfection (which enables me to get love) and self-reliance (which enables me to have power). These two false values contradict every other true value that I hold.

Perfection is the enemy of truth and beauty, because it denies the truth and beauty of things that are less than perfect. It contradicts story, which is about change, because it wants things to be immutable and complete already. It challenges persistence, saying that perfection should come now, rather than through consistent, continual work. It invalidates empathy and understanding for what is less than perfect. It eliminates curiosity and exploration, claiming to have the fullness of all there is to know. It squelches joy anytime an experience fails to live up to impossible expectations. It declares that synchronicity has no place in a predetermined schedule. And it makes order into a rigid, disciplined task instead of an organic expression.

Self-reliance prevents me from turning to God and others for companionship and assistance. It undermines my need for community, and turns independence into aggression, overwork, and denial of emotion. It makes giving an obligation instead of a delight.

The reason I cannot trust myself is because I am trying to put my trust in an idealized self that lives the values of perfection and self-reliance. But because I can never attain that self-image, I continually betray that trust. I am putting my trust in the wrong person. I need to trust my true self, the one who holds the beautiful values that are a good and natural expression of who I am.

I saw my attachment to perfection and self-reliance as a black net, strangling and confining me. I pictured my skull opening up, and God snipping and removing this black net from around my mind. I saw the passages in my head being cleared and unstuffed of all the clogging thoughts and obsessions, the knots that I tie myself in, trying to reconcile these irreconcilable values.

I have written these values on two index cards. I am going to burn them, to symbolize how God will consume these false values so they no longer enslave me. And I will watch my thoughts and note when each one tries to creep in and shame me, or rob me of joy and energy.

Last night I realized that my perfection, the insistence on doing something exactly in a certain way, prevented me from seeing that I still get things done even when I don’t do them a certain way. For example, I say “I must write 2000 words per day” and then feel like a failure when I don’t. But twice before I have written 50,000 words in a month. I know I can reach that goal, even though it is not by doing it perfectly according to a schedule. So I thought a good mantra would be “It doesn’t matter how I do it, I will get it done.”

So instead of saying “I will work out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays,” I say “I will work out three times a week.” Or even, “ I will work up to 30 pound weights by the end of the year.” The rigidity of HOW is what defeats me. But the big goals, I have never let myself down on those. I earned a master’s degree—finishing my thesis in a year when many people take longer. I published my book. I worked three years in Carleton residence. We bought a house. Cohousing is close to becoming a reality. I always come through for myself—perhaps not in the exact way or at the exact time that I wanted. But I am very reliable. I deserve to be trusted, for what I truly am. I know that I will finish the first draft of my novel by the end of this month. It’s already done. I know I will someday find a good agent, and a good publisher. I know I will be a career novelist. That is what I was meant to be, and I can do it.

Homework: Letting Myself Have What I Want

This post is part of my Writing Coach series.

[My apologies for getting so behind on my progress. I'll try to catch you up as quick as I can.]

Inquiry for May 9: What would allow me to let myself have what I want?

Cynthia asked me to picture myself happily doing my writing in the morning, and then doing my paid work, without anxiety. I had a very difficult time picturing that—my thought was Yes, but I’m always anxious. I never solve my work and productivity issues to my satisfaction. I’m always looking for another tactic, another strategy, and never happy with my schedule or what I’m getting done. Because I set unrealistic expectations, and then can’t meet them and get depressed and angry with myself for failing. I’m looking for the perfect set-up that I follow perfectly, and I know that can never happen, but I don’t know what to replace it with. I want all my activities mapped out for me, so I know when I’m getting things done and when I can rest, and yet I want to be spontaneous and do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it.

Apparently this is a characteristic of INFJs like me.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk. From the Personality Page

So what’s the problem? Overall, I’m pretty successful at achieving my goals, even if it’s not always within the time frame that I desire. The problem is in my own brain, which is never satisfied that I’m doing the perfect thing at the perfect time.

What would allow me to have what I want? I would have to let go of perfectionism, and unrealistic expectations, and find a balance between order and spontaneity. I would also have to trust myself, whether I’m making a decision based on my intuition or based on a routine or system I’ve committed to. I would have to find a way to forgive myself, leave the past in the past, every moment. I would want the assurance that the goals I’ve set for myself are the right ones (I’m more and more certain of that, these days). I would have to give myself permission to fail, make mistakes, waste time.

Take today, for example. I failed to get up at 5 am to write. But I did get up and exercise with Shawn. I immediately started fussing about myself, unhappy with not writing, not knowing whether I should devote the day to writing, work, or something else. I read a book, then had a nap. I took a shower, and then did some laundry. I read some more, then worked on making notes and finding research material for my novel. By this time it was 2:00 pm or so. Never at any point did I feel settled about what I was working on. I kept thinking “I shouldn’t be working on this. I haven’t done that yet; when am I going to do it? Look how late it’s getting, and I still haven’t even finished this yet.”

Finally I had lunch and went to the library, ostensibly to write my 2000 words for the day, which I still hadn’t done. But I went to the bank on the way, and then to a used bookstore, and then photocopied some articles at the library and read them. By then it was time to go home. I thought I could write the 2000 words tonight. I made dinner and did the dishes. I was very tired from the walking, so watched a movie for a bit and then took a nap. I started working on this journaling, talked to my dad on the phone. It’s now 8:40 and I still haven’t written. Now I have to decide whether I will write or whether I will not write, and somehow forgive myself for not doing it.

I am caught between wanting 100% conformance to a plan, and not being able to deliver it.

Limiting beliefs

I can only be happy if I have a detailed action plan and follow it with 100% conformance.

If I forgive myself for not following the plan, I won’t achieve my goals.

Prayer for the First Draft of a Novel

Thank you

for each hour that words came when I had none
for each time I decided to write even though I was tired or busy
for the pages that piled one on the other
for the slow revelation of this story and its meaning

Forgive me

for being reluctant to celebrate this milestone
for clouding my time off with worry
for misplacing my joy in life
for doubting that I am up to the task

Protect me

from judging this novel before I finish it
from fear of the work ahead
from escaping in delay and procrastination
from letting small things crowd out important things

Be with me

in passion and inspiration
in rewriting and editing
in persistence and confidence
in starting every day and taking time to rest

Amen.

The First Day

This entry is for Lara Meyerratken, a musician who is leaving a successful band (Ben Lee and the Soldiers of Bliss) to make her own record.

In May 2005, I took a month off from my full-time job to work on a novel. I had a writing grant to support me, and I was thrilled to have a block of time to concentrate on my own creativity. The three weeks leading up to May were very hectic with lots of overtime, but I looked forward with relief to my time off. I had big dreams of what I might do, and wrote this list in my journal:

• Artist dates: noon concerts, museums
• Decluttering the house - simplify
• THE NOVEL
• My writing studio quilt
• Art Journal challenge
• Blogging and journalling
• Cooking and recipes
• Reading: Proust? Woolf?
• Writing outdoors: canal, Gatineau, National Library
• Walking, hiking, yoga
• Stillwater retreat
• Meditations

Doesn't that all sound lovely? You'd think I had an entire year off. And sadly, I was setting myself up for disaster ...

On my first day, I had something of a meltdown. I didn't know what to do, where to start. So much was riding on this month, it felt so short and yet I had worked so hard to make the time. After wandering around my house all morning, I started journalling about wanting to flip the switch on my creative energy and let the power start flowing:

I feel I don't deserve to release this energy, because I will just squander it. I'll let it leak all over, rather than focusing it. Or I might not be able to control it and will hurt people, get distracted or forgetful. I'm tired of my little fits and starts of energy, getting a little momentum and then petering out. I feel like something's missing, the engine behind my ideas, and I want to find that. I want to stop suppressing or shutting myself down. I fear going crazy, getting utterly absorbed or obsessed, and making others angry or resentful. I fear exhausting or debilitating myself. I want to keep my energy turned off so I don't have to risk anything--don't have to be disappointed or frustrated when I can't do what I want.

So much fear around letting out my creative energy! By this point I had pretty much paralyzed myself with fear. I was crying on my kitchen floor, totally stuck, clueless about how to move forward. Finally, I wrote down this message from God in my journal:

So here's the first step, just for now: do something nice for yourself. Then come back tomorrow and I'll tell you what to do next. You're sad right now, you need looking after. Trust me. Do something nice for yourself, don't wait another minute.

It took me a long time to think of something nice to do for myself. Like, half an hour. Everything seemed like a waste of time and money. But finally, I took a magazine off the cookbook shelf and found a cocktail recipe. I dried my tears, put on my shoes, and headed out to the liquor store. I tromped all over downtown, looking for the perfect tumbler to make my drink in. The whole time I was thinking, this is ridiculous, I should be writing, what am I doing? But I kept going, and at the end of the afternoon, I made myself that beautiful drink.

I often think about that day. The first day of a new venture, a longed-for change, a big step. First day of parenthood, of sabbatical or retirement. First day of school. Just getting to that first day takes so much out of you. So on the first day, do something nice for yourself. Lower your expectations--in fact, drop them altogether. Just let that day be what it is, a monumental day.

Wedding Villanelle

This tender treeling is our own--
This winding shoot, this blossomed spray;
Timid, our spring-new love has grown.

Luminous root, fierce leaf new-blown,
The greening, glowing, glorious play,
This spirited sapling is our own.

Sweet wood born of the bitter stone
That lay long blind and buried in clay--
From chaos our spring-new love has grown.

Trunk rising solid and stately as bone,
Sown into centuries measured by day;
Rock-rooted, our spring-new love has grown.

My heart, I will live with you alone
'Til our final leaf lies castaway.
This tender tree from our depths has grown;
You are my spring-new love, my own.

Alison Gresik
June 1996

Happy tenth, darling.