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Any mention of the labyrinth will be sure to catch my eye, so I didn’t miss the news of Heather Plett’s course, The Spiral Path, when she first offered it last fall. And once I investigated, I wondered whether she had been peeking over my shoulder at the book I just finished! Our work and lives have many common themes, which I take as a lovely sign that we are both tapped into how the spirit is moving these days.

The next session of The Spiral Path opens on February 1, 2015, and if you’re reading Pilgrimage of Desire, Heather’s course makes a great complement. She offers teaching and storytelling, as well as journalling, art, and embodiment exercises, to help you find your way back to yourself. I’ve been using her beautiful prompts when I write my morning pages, and it always surprises me how much more the labyrinth has to teach me.

Heather, it’s clear that you love the labyrinth as much as I do, and that it has had a strong influence on you. Tell me a story about your relationship with the spiral path.

Probably the most interesting thing about my relationship with the labyrinth is the story of how I came to realize that I was allowed to have a deep and reciprocal relationship with it. When I first encountered it, I was afraid of stepping on toes ~ afraid I might do something wrong, afraid I might offend some “spirituality police” if I didn’t have proper training or a deep understanding of it before I tread its path.

But then I started walking its path and I realized that the labyrinth wasn’t asking much of me. It wasn’t asking me to be “certified” to be “a member of the right tribe” or to “have a degree in labyrinth walking.” It was simply asking me to show up, trust myself and it, walk the path, and let myself learn what there was to learn through the relationship. I’ve read lots of books about it since, and taken some training, but most of what I’ve learned showed up on the path, in the thick of the relationship.

This is a common story, especially for women ~ we hesitate to try something because we’re afraid to do it wrong or we’re afraid we might offend, or we’re afraid we might look foolish. And we’re afraid to teach because we don’t have the right degree or credentials and there’s always someone smarter than us around.

When I truly embraced the labyrinth, and let myself be in love without being an expert, I started incorporating it into workshops, retreats, etc. And that’s when I realized that the relationship was reciprocal and generative. Even though the labyrinth has been around for thousands of years, it can still benefit from what I bring to it. For example, I once incorporated twelve life stages adapted from Dr. Seuss’ book Oh, the Places You’ll Go! into a labyrinth walk, and it was deeply meaningful for the people who walked it. I don’t know of anyone doing that before, so now I’ve brought something new to the relationship.

Why is transformation so hard? Why do we resist the spiral and insist on the straight line?

The spiral is a lot more messy than the straight line. It’s human nature to seek the path of least resistance ~ the one that takes us from point A to point B without a detour through a lot of uncomfortable territory. Unfortunately, almost everything in our culture has taught us that we “deserve” the straight line. Every day, the advertising industry (including the self-help industry) tries to convince us that THEIR product is the one that will help us solve our problems and finally be happy/rich/successful/beautiful/etc. Life just doesn’t work that way, and yet we try to convince ourselves that it does.

transformation diagram

Recently, in a sharing circle I host, I had an aha moment. As I listened to stories of heartbreak and mental illness and grief and resilience and courage, it occurred to me that we spend the first half of our lives in construction mode, building our identities, belief systems, families, careers, world views, etc. And then we spend the second half of our lives in deconstruction mode, tearing apart whatever no longer serves us or feels right. Like playing a giant game of Jenga, we take out piece after piece, hoping the tower won’t crumble. For most of us, at some point there’s a giant cataclysmic collapse. But then we rebuild and this time it’s smaller and stronger and we know it more intimately.

The spiral is the deconstruction mode, and because we’ve spent the first half of our lives avoiding it, it’s hard to accept when things start falling apart. In order for us to grow into that more beautiful version of ourselves, though, we have to deconstruct and get messy.

Could you talk about the usefulness of knowing where we are on the path? How does it help to locate ourselves in the stages of release, receive, and return?

A lot of my coaching clients will come to me in great frustration, knowing that they’re going through some kind of transition and that they’re being nudged into a new place in their lives, but not knowing how to get through it, not making any traction and not getting anything done. Because our culture values productivity and accomplishment, many of them are dealing with guilt over their lack of ability to move through the transition quickly and start being contributing members of society once again.

One of the most important things I do in these situations is to give them permission to step off the treadmill and JUST BE. They need to understand that transition takes time, that germination of the new story that wants to be born takes a lot of energy, and that fighting the transition will only drag it out longer than necessary.

That’s where the labyrinth comes in as a handy tool. I help people understand that when there is something big changing in their lives, they have to slow down and take the time to do it right. First they have to release the old stuff that no longer serves them, placing one foot in front of the other as they let go of the baggage. Then they have to be prepared to sit in the stillness at the centre to receive what they need for the new journey. Then, when they’re ready, they need to return to the world and bring their gifts out into the world with them.

I love the look of pure relief on people’s faces when they realize that they’re not doing it wrong, they’re just not ready to emerge from the labyrinth yet.

Heather_walking_labyrinth

Tell me about the importance of the body in your work. How can folks like me (who get into the habit of ignoring our bodies in favour of our mind and will) ~ how can we reconnect and include our bodies in our creative and spiritual lives?

Just a couple of days ago, I had an experience that reminded me about the importance of paying attention to my body. I was rushing around, getting ready for a retreat I’m hosting and getting ready to send my 12-year-old daughter away for a week in another province. Partway through the morning, I had a feeling of uneasiness in my stomach that didn’t have a name. When I could pause for a moment and check in about what I was feeling, I realized that there was some unacknowledged anxiety over a variety of things, including my daughter’s trip, the retreat, and some other personal things going on.

And then I remembered a conversation I’d had with a friend just the day before, about how anxiety usually shows up in the body before it shows up in the mind and can’t be addressed simply by logic or other mind-based solutions, because the body simply doesn’t process stuff that way. Once I remembered that, I slowed down, boiled a cup of tea, and checked in with my body. Before long, I was able to release the anxiety and move into a more peaceful place.

The body teaches us things we can never learn from the mind, but most of us have forgotten how to pay attention. That’s why I love labyrinths ~ because they engage the body in the act of mindfulness, meditation, and learning. The walking shifts things in us that can’t be shifted simply by thinking and re-thinking. The simple act of letting our bodies carry our minds to the centre of the circle opens us up to a new way of thinking and a new way of seeing the world. And the act of walking out again shifts our attention back to the world around us.

You just posted an article about becoming a change-maker in response to the Macleans article about racism in your home city of Winnipeg. Part of what brought on my depression was an overcommitment to action and an inability to care for myself because I felt pressure to right the wrongs, serve others, et cetera. Now that I’m in a healthy place, I still find myself wary of action ~ of becoming burned out, misaligned with my own purpose, driven by ego. But I don’t want to fetishize my self-care and my personal passions to the exclusion of the world around me.

How does one learn to challenge oneself and take action on behalf of others in a sustainable way? 

One of the most important things I shared in that article is the quote at the top of the page:

“The success of our actions as change-makers does not depend on what we do or how we do it, but on the inner place from which we operate.” – Otto Sharmer

Most of us have the mistaken impression that our value is based on what we do and how we do it, so we overcommit to serving the world and fixing everyone’s problems. But a lot of that is busy work that doesn’t really serve a higher purpose and ends up burning us out because it’s not our right work. That kind of work is based in the ego (i.e. making us feel better about ourselves) rather than our Higher Self.

Otto Sharmer talks about the importance of moving from an ego-system mentality (where I am seeking my own interest), into a generative, eco-system mentality (where I am seeking the best interest of the community and world around me). When we are doing our right work, based in a healthy “inner place” rather than ego, we serve the world well.

To get to that right work, though, we have to do our own inner work, and that includes self-care, mindfulness, deep listening, and prayer. It also includes a lot of healthy pauses which allow us to hear the deep wisdom that can only be heard in stillness.

We can’t stop there, though, and that is, once again, where we learn a lesson from the labyrinth. Yes, we have to take the path inward and sit in stillness at the centre to receive the wisdom waiting for us, but if we try to stay there, we become stuck, bitter, and self-centred. The true path is one that takes us not only inward, but back out again to serve the world in whatever work we are called to.

M. Scott Peck (a psychiatrist who wrote oodles of books, including The Road Less Traveled, and taught all over the world) was once asked how he got so much done. His answer was “I can only accomplish what I do because I spend an hour and a half every day doing nothing.” Each day, for 45 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes later in the day, he’d close his office door or go outside and be intentional about accomplishing nothing. He’d wander, meditate, putter, etc., but he wouldn’t do any of the kind of work we’d call “productive.”

His actions serve as a good reminder to those of us who have a tendency toward overcommitment.

Thanks, Heather, for inviting us to walk The Spiral Path with you! The next session of the course starts on February 1, and just as when you walk the labyrinth, you can choose your own pace. I highly recommend the journey.

And if you can’t get enough of the labyrinth today, carry on to Heather’s website where she asks me questions about Pilgrimage of Desire.

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Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day in Canada ~ a day to raise awareness and reduce stigma around mental illness by having conversations.

As a creativity coach, I work with many writers and artists who have dealt with depression, and today I wanted to talk to someone who comes at depression from the therapeutic side.

I’m joined by Dr. Marna Zinatelli, who has a PhD in Psychology and has been practicing for almost twenty years. Marna is a long-time friend of mine ~ we met at church in Ottawa and served on the music team together ~ and she was the first person I called when I realized that I was depressed back in 2002. At the time, I didn’t know where to start or what to do. Should I go to my family doctor, a psychiatrist, or a therapist? Marna answered my questions with love and encouragement, and specifically pointed me toward cognitive behavioural therapy and The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns.

 

[Interview transcript has been edited for clarity and readability.]

Alison: Thanks for being here today, Marna, and diving into this conversation with me!

Marna: My pleasure! It’s very important to talk about these issues that impact so many people.

How do I know I’m depressed?

Alison: Let’s start at the beginning. I have found that a lot of people still may not recognize when they are dealing with depression. What can you say about some of the classic signs and also about things that we would not necessarily connect with depression, and how someone can know that’s what they’re experiencing?

Marna: One of the challenges in recognizing depression is that it does express itself differently. We all have our own personalities and our own way of interacting with others in living our lives. Depression will be expressed more so in some people with their sleep issues, and they won’t connect problems with sleep and mood issues. For other people, it will be more of a social withdrawing. Someone may not even notice that they’re spending less time with people ~ it’s the people around them who might say, “Gee, you’re not coming out, you’re not returning my calls, you’re not connecting with us.” In other people, it might actually show up in more physical ways. They may feel very tired or have trouble getting out of bed.

There’s quite a long list of symptoms that can be associated with depression, and they’re easy to look up and read about. [Here are symptoms for Major Depression and Persistent Depressive Disorder (previously dysthymia).] The difficulty is that most of my clients don’t come because they want a diagnosis, although it’s useful for people who need to be medicated and for insurance companies. My clients just want relief from the symptoms. And part of the challenge is that depression is overlapping with anxiety symptoms, which makes it hard at times for people to recognize it. Another challenge is that symptoms can come and go. They can be worse during certain periods and then improve, and that also makes it harder for people to be really clear that this is something they’re struggling with.

Alison: So what you’re saying is that it’s not always an obvious presentation. And I think there’s still a certain stigma around acknowledging or look at the possibility that “Maybe I’m dealing with a mental health issue.”

Marna: There’s no doubt. I think there are efforts being made to address that. I saw this very interesting ad where someone gets hit in a motor vehicle accident and everyone runs to help the victim, and then you see a message, “Imagine if we responded to mental health issues like this.” And I thought, that really captures it well. Because with an accident there’s an instant compassion and response, but with mental health, people don’t have something like a bleeding leg. It’s not obvious at all.

Alison: I’ve heard people ask, “How do I tell the difference between what’s just normal sadness or the ups and downs of the human condition vs. something that would get diagnosed as a clinical illness?”

Marna: Again, it’s not always straightforward, and that’s why books like The Feeling Good Handbook are useful, because right in the beginning there are questionnaires where a person can assess themselves. People are often surprised and say “I thought I was depressed but actually I’m anxious,” or “I thought I was anxious but actually I’m more depressed.” And sometimes there’s a combination of both happening, or other things as well. Some of these instruments will ask you to look at just the previous week, because of course it can change from one week to the next. And with diagnostic categories, if you go beyond a certain point score, for example, then you have the diagnosis, but if you are under next week, does that mean you no longer have the diagnosis? That makes it confusing for people.

Screenshot 2015-01-27 20.54.53

Alison’s answers to some of the diagnostic questions in 2002.

Marna: From my perspective, I ask people questions about what they would like their life to look like and when was the last time they felt that way.

Then people can start to have a better sense of “It was at this point in my life that I noticed things changed.” When you have a baseline to go back to, then it’s more clear. “I used to get up in the morning with all kinds of energy. That was six months ago.” “I used to joke and laugh. That was six months ago.” “I used to have a smile on my face and look at people in the eye.”

There are so many things that people tell me about their experiences that help them recognize when the change happened. It’s not usually the case where one day you have it and the next day you don’t, and that makes it more complicated. And yet, most of us have a sense of what it means to have quality of life, and when you are depressed, your quality of life is compromised. You could be mildly depressed, or moderately depressed, or severely depressed, but all of that means that life is not what it could be. And that may be a more useful way of looking at it for people.

Can you have mild major depression??

Alison: There are all sorts of terminology around specific expressions of depression, and there are lists of symptoms in the diagnostic manual. Are the labels and categories useful or can they muddy the waters?

Marna: There’s a lot of debate, and it depends on who you’re talking to and what their point of view is. I tend to be more of a big picture thinker ~ I like to look at the forest and see how all the trees connect. So when I think in those terms, the body-mind connection is a very important way of capturing the trees. There are reasons why someone is not well, and those reasons have to do with specific trees, but the big picture is that a person’s not well. There’s a physician in western Canada, Dr. Gabor Maté, who wrote When the Body Says No, and he talks a lot about the body-mind connection. He doesn’t make a big deal about whether someone has a physical illness or a mental health concern, whether it’s depression or whether it’s migraines. He talks about the body speaking. Depression is one way that the body speaks, and it’s speaking through what’s happening in your brain cells. That has a cascade effect in terms of the rest of the body.

So to me, diagnosis is more of a tree issue. Some practitioners are not happy about the direction of the diagnostic manual because it’s becoming more and more detailed. And we begin to wonder how much that is helpful in terms of getting relief. However, it’s a tool, it’s there, it’s used, diagnosis is important, and we can’t ignore that.

Where do I start with treatment for depression?

Marna: We also want to look at what people are looking for when they want treatment and when they want to feel better. And if we stay with the big picture, then we look at things like, how do we go from the forest to what’s happening within the trees and how they connect. So medication, where does that fit in?

There’s a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker that’s very interesting. He looks very closely at why more and more people are becoming depressed ~ it’s not a contagious disease. So given that’s the case, you can become very curious. Whitaker has done a lot of research looking at the role of medication, and he seems to conclude that medication’s very useful in the short term, but that there could be issues in the long run. So then you have to ask, why is that?

There are also talk therapies ~ there’s cognitive behavioural therapy and David Burns’ Feeling Good Handbook is one example of that. In that book he talks at the very end about the various medications, and what’s nice is that people now have options. I’ve seen many people just with talk therapy be able to move forward constructively and learn how to manage their depression, recognize when it’s coming back, and take steps that are appropriate and helpful.

Then we slip back into the big picture, which is “what are these people doing?” There are whole categories of lifestyle changes that people can look at that can be helpful in managing depression. And that can be done in combination with medication.

Another really exciting new avenue is nutrition. Patrick Holford in the UK wrote Optimum Nutrition for the Mind, and in the US there’s Mark Hyman’s UltraMind Solution, and they link to Terry Wahls, who successfully treated her own multiple sclerosis. Through diet change she was able to change her status from having the diagnosis to now where she’s biking to work and back. And with MS, we’re talking about neurology, so some of these things begin to overlap.

If we go back again to body-mind connection, what is the role of nutrition? According to Patrick Holford, with nutrition you can actually feed the brain cells, and when they’re properly fed and nourished, people who are going off their medication don’t have discontinuation syndrome. He has evidence of very high percentage success rates with schizophrenia over the last fifty years using just nutritional interventions.

All of these pieces can come together.

For more examples of treatments that work with the body-mind connection, very well-respected practitioners are talking about yoga, awareness through movement, qi gong, and all kinds of body treatments like somatic experiencing. How do these things link? When your body is relaxed and in parasympathetic mode from a nervous system perspective, your cells open, toxins leave, nutrients enter, and all healing happens in the parasympathetic mode. So it seems that no matter which avenue you’re pursuing, a person has to find peace, find relaxation, find ways to allow the body to heal. Because no matter what the intervention, the body heals itself. We’re just facilitating that in whatever we do. And that’s back to the forest, the big picture.

Alison: It sounds, what you’re saying and what my experience has been is that the only concern in pursuing treatment is to be focused on just one avenue to the exclusion of others.

Marna: Especially now, because we have so many exciting new options. Natasha Campbell-McBride has done research on autism. She cured her own child of autism by understanding that the gut flora is really huge. She has all kinds of reasons for why autism is happening more, people don’t have proper microbiome status in their current health profile. And what’s quite fascinating is not only was she able to treat autism but also depression, schizophrenia, ADHD, all of these then begin to be linked in some way and what do they have in common?

Another approach being used is neurofeedback, where you see your brain mapped and then you interface with a computer where you can change your brainwave patterns. When you do that, all kinds of healing happens, it’s fascinating. Again we’re back to body-mind and big picture, because when you meditate, what happens to your brainwave frequencies? You’re definitely changing them.

No really, where do I start?

Alison: But you see how this can be problematic for someone who is experiencing depression; they’re not thinking clearly and they are tired and sad and then they’re faced with an array of …

Marna: Overwhelming choice.

Alison: Yes, and where does someone start?

Marna: What’s great is, if we go back to the forest and trees, it probably doesn’t matter very much where you start. If you affect one tree, the whole forest starts to improve. So I see it as either you’re moving in the direction of health, or you’re moving in the direction of disease. As long as you move in some healthy direction, then other possibilities open up. Many of my clients are not open to the idea of neurofeedback until they have a working relationship with me and they start seeing some progress. Once you get a little bit of relief, then you’re a little better. And when you’re a little better, you can think a little more clearly. When you can think a little bit more clearly, you can trust your judgements about what’s easiest, what’s convenient, what’s affordable ~ because not all of these treatments are easy to link with.

And I haven’t even finished my list! Allergies is an interesting one, because there’s now research on inflammation that links to the gut flora. The theory behind it is there’s some kind of allergic reaction to a biochemical happenings within the body. So then treatments that can affect what’s happening with allergies can be useful and important.

We can also look at things like energy medicine, which is a very exciting new area. There are Harvard scientists looking at the impact of Emotional Freedom Technique on trauma.

It’s very exciting to see where these possibilities can bring people. There’s lots to choose from, and now we also have the ability to access information; the Internet is great. Yes, it can be too much information, but as someone is looking for solutions that work for them, they can experiment with what works and make judgements about what helps. They will know what helps because when you’re working with instruments that you can self-assess, you can measure and people know. If they get up in the morning and they have more energy, if they can concentrate better, it becomes obvious when they’re getting well and they know what works for them.

The role of meaning in depression

Alison: And of course my area of speciality has been in connecting with meaning, creating a life and activities that feel meaningful, and addressing the existential pain that can come from feeling that your life doesn’t matter or that you’re not doing something important. Is that something you’ve seen in your clients or done investigation of?

Marna: My feeling is that whether that’s the topic that’s being discussed directly or not, it’s all about that. Why get up in the morning unless there’s something meaningful to do? And I think some people can have that discussion more directly, they have the language for it and they think in those terms because of their personality or because of what they do in their life.

Whether it’s something that’s discussed or not, meaning is always there. It’s always behind this. This is where we go back to the biggest picture, which I would say is that meaning picture. That’s really the forest, because if you’re not engaged in something that is important, if you’re not connected with the community or with family life, then what is the point, really?

There are some interesting debates and research around addictions in particular. This week a client sent me an interesting article [“The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think” by Johann Hari] about how a rat alone in a cage will ingest water laced with heroin or cocaine until it dies because it is so gratifying. But when they put toys and other rats into the cage, usage goes down. And when you look at Vietnam vets who came back, a lot of them used drugs heavily, and after they came back only 17% had addiction issues. So why is that? Because the rest, I’m guessing, linked with their families, their communities, and had meaning in their lives.

How do we lose that sense of meaning? Well, we live in interesting times. A sense of community is something that a lot of my clients talk about. They say, “I feel lonely, I don’t have friends, I moved here for a job but I can’t link with anyone at work.” Community is where we find meaning. And of course spirituality is a huge part of that. I find it’s interesting as a culture that mindfulness has become a little more popular to talk about but what does that really mean? How can you talk about mindfulness without becoming somehow spiritual about it? I guess you can, but for me the two are very much linked.

“You just call out my name”

Alison: So what do you think helps people make it in terms of being successful in healing or recovering from depression? What kinds of things do you think they need to do or remember or find in order to make it to the other side of that experience?

Marna: That question comes right after we talked about community. I think that’s where we begin. Ask someone you feel you can trust for help. That’s extremely important. Because even if you don’t get help from the first person or the second person or the third person – hopefully you get it from the first! But unless you live all alone and never talk to anyone ~ which is an extreme case and some people live that challenge ~ there are human beings around. The likelihood is high that someone in your circle will care, and if not, in many cases there are compassionate strangers, there are kind people walking on the street every day. This is what many clients tell me – when they begin to get well, they say, “I now know that I can ask people for help and no matter where I am or where I go, even if I leave the city, if I leave this country, there can be someone who can be there for me. I just need to ask.”

I think that’s an important beginning. When you start asking for help, you often discover that there’s more there than you can imagine. And yes, I think when you’re really feeling down, it’s hard to do that. It’s very very difficult. There are many blocks. This is where I think self-help material is useful, because those books were written by human beings. Sometimes people can feel like, yes, the author of this book understands, and there are lots of books written. This is why I think what you’re doing is so wonderful, [see my memoir, Pilgrimage of Desirebecause you shine this light that gives people permission to talk about depression and to know that even if they feel alone, they’re not alone in their aloneness.

Alison: That’s beautiful, Marna. Thank you so much for talking to me today and sharing all of that great information and the sense of hope that this is not something that people need to surrender to or be stuck in. There are many people and many ways to get back to health.

Marna: Absolutely. This is in fact a nice way to sum up. The most hopeful thing is the research on neuroplasticity. Norman Doidge writes about neuroplasticity, which means that anything that’s stuck or not working about our brains is absolutely changeable, much more changeable than we ever imagined. If that isn’t hopeful, I don’t know what is ~ the idea that when things are not working as they should in our brain cells, not to worry, because that’s changeable, fixable, not necessarily easy or simple but very doable.

 

Want to join the conversation about depression? What’s your experience? What questions do you have? Please let us know in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.

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In order to stave off depression …
We must decide what we want our lives to mean.
We must take life seriously.
We must make ourselves proud.

On Launch Day for Pilgrimage of Desire, I wanted to share a few thoughts on what this book means to me, or more precisely, what I’ve made it mean, why it matters to me, why I feel good about the time and energy I’ve spent on it.

What Pilgrimage of Desire Means to Me

Pilgrimage of Desire has given me hundreds of hours of enjoyable writing time: the thrill of conception, the challenge of development, the puzzle of revision. I have solved many emotional and logistical problems during the course of this project. I will always remember with delight all the places I wrote it: the library in Detroit, the airplane to Hong Kong, beside the pool in Malaysia, in the car in Holland, at my Suite Genius co-working space, during Just Write meetups, and at Eric Maisel’s Deep Writing workshop at Hollyhock.

The book stands as a beautiful record for myself, my husband, and my children, chronicling important events in my life and in our year of Operation Hejira.

The process of discussing the book with my family was daunting and painful at times, but very productive in bringing us closer and helping us know each other better.

The impact on people who read it gives me great joy. I am already hearing from readers who are writing more, making more art, and taking steps to live more authentic lives, and it’s a privilege to play a small part in that. I want others to be happy and do what they love.

The money I earn from the book is meaningful insofar as it allows me to create a meaningful life for myself and my family and serve my clients better.

I’m happy with the way that I’ve navigated the self-publishing process, learning what to do, finding people to help me, and making difficult choices along the way.

Seeing the manuscript through to completion even after circumstances changed a lot ~ this is an expression of my genius, Wrestling the Angel, and I find it deeply satisfying.

I’m so proud of the actual writing ~ the book as a finished product. I’m really pleased with how I found and sustained a style that worked, came up with the structure very intuitively, and worked with my editor, Brenda Leifso, to make sure that everything served the story and the reader.

Coming up with a marketing plan and building a network that will help me get the word out has also meant a lot to me. I love having a reason to make and sustain relationships with colleagues.

There are also ways in which this book is not meaningful ~ places where it leaks meaning. It’s good to name these places so they’re not as dangerous to my mental health.

Where Pilgrimage of Desire Doesn’t Mean

Sales numbers and bestseller status are not very meaningful to me right now. I do care about getting the book out to people, but I don’t find much motivation in hitting targets for their own sake.

I worry that the book is not helpful enough. I worry that my approach to the topics of depression, creativity, desire, and meaning isn’t comprehensive enough. (Basically, I am sometimes unhappy that my book is not someone else’s book. I know this feeling is silly, but I’m still susceptible to it.)

I am not satisfied with my approach to project management, leading a team, and planning ahead. This is an area I’m working on, but I feel I’ve let myself down to a certain extent. And that’s okay, I will live.

I’m not sure what to think about my work schedule. It has become important to me to have a moderate schedule so I can have flexibility around looking after my kids and not get burnt out, which means I’m not working much on evenings, weekends, and holidays, nor in early mornings. I’m not sure I’m happy with the current balance, so I’ll keep investigating that.

Our values can shift over time, and different ones take priority in different contexts.

In my late twenties, I would have chewed off my arm to finish and publish a book (I very nearly did).

Now, finishing and publishing a book is wonderful, but it doesn’t have to carry all the meaning in my life. I also have my work as a coach, my husband and children, my friends and family, my life here in Vancouver. The imperative to publish hasn’t felt so pressing, even though much more time has passed.

I kind of knew that my drive to put out a book would mellow, especially after having children, and it was one of the reasons I was hesitant to become a mother, because I wasn’t sure I wanted that drive to abate. But it has, and I’m good with that. I am more relaxed about the whole thing, and that’s been beneficial for my health and happiness, as well as for my output as a writer. Sometimes too much wanting can be an obstacle to creation.

If Pilgrimage of Desire has been meaningful to you and you’d like to support it, here’s what you can do:

1. Tell your friends about the book by email and social media. You can link to the book on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, or elsewhere, or link to the book page on my website.

2. Buy a copy of the ebook for a friend. Here are instructions on giving a Kindle book as a gift.

3. Post a review of the book on Amazon. Reviews are a huge help for a book’s ranking, which means it gets more visibility and sales.

I would love to know, what meaningful project have you been working on lately? Where are you doing yourself proud and taking life seriously? Please let me know in the comments.

P.S. Hat tip to Eric Maisel for inspiring my thoughts and language around meaning today ~ I just finished listening to his wonderful conversation with Gregory Berg of the Life on Purpose podcast (formerly Radio Enso).

P.P.S. Oh my goodness, I PUBLISHED A BOOK! FREAK OUT!

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